Can't Believe It Happened When It Did!!!

[Sad_but_happy]

It's time I got advice from all you great people...

my wife and I have been together for 21 years. We got married young and things have been tough at times. She is not always the nicest person but she tries.

At the beginning of August my wife started an EA with a person she met while hanging out with a few friends. I could tell right away that she was becoming distant and asked within a week if she had met someone. She said she did but that he liked her but she had no interest in him. For the next few months I believe my wife made several attempts to connect with me but I was to dumb to see why. I believe she was trying to resist the compultion she was having to see him.

My wife is not an easy person to live with. Though she is caring she is also rigid. I am very easy going so we always clashed. I also have to admit that I did leave her emotionally. Left the bedroom several times because she was just not a fun person to be around. There were so many times after year 10 that I wanted out of the marriage. I even told her several times that we just were not compatible and that we got married too young. She was 22 and I was 24. So you can see I'm a classic case of pushing her away and then wanting her back.

Of course once she admitted to the EA in earkly October she was already "in love" (give me a brake). I did the classic begging, some crying, reasoning, blah blah blah... The fear of losing not only her but everything we have worked for killed me. Not to mension the thought of hurting my children. I told her she had to end it right away or we were done! For the next 30 days she tried to end it but I know she emailed him a few more times. Oh yea, she opened a secret email address. I also have to admit that the thought of her with another person rocks me to my core. Not sure why when I didnt even want her for so long. I guess I feel that she is MINE and no one elses. I am positive it is not a full blown PA though she did admit to kissing.

Here is where I need advice. I don't believe my wife has had contact with him in about a month. But I do know that he is the "first thing she thinks about when she wakes up and the last thing she thinks about before going to sleep." and I also know that she, "has no emotional connection" to me. I know from snooping... Oh and she told me to my face that we are, "not a couple". All that said, I think she wants to make this marriage work. We still sleep in the same bed (no sex or kissing) and she is distant. But we are nice to each other, still eat dinner together, still talk, still engaged with the kids, etc. She does still talk of some future plans for us (travel, vacations, etc). I think she is waiting for her "feelings" and love for me to return. I have read DR but not sure what phase I should be in. I don't want to pursue but I also dont want to make her think I don't care.

I have still been the one to initiate physical contact and I'm sure I shouldnt. Just hugs or a kiss on the head. Nothing heavy at all. The problem is that I have always been the one to initiate so maybe I need to stop. She might not want me to.

Last night we were looking at homes in another state cause I have been offered a job making twice as much as I do now. She seems open to moving though she has admitted it does make her nervous due to her current feelings. Today I offered to bring her lunch so we could eat together but mind you this is after an hour of looking at houses last night and really enjoying it. She said that she was probably going to leave early to "not today." My response to her was, "no problem, we can do it another time".

I need to know the balance... Where is the line so I don't cross it. I think I am in a better place then most. Mostly because I support my wife, she loves her lifestyle, and she doesn't want to lose everything, she has no education and for the most part does not work in a field that can support her lifestyle. If it's the money keeping her from leaving for now that's fine. It gives me time to make her love me. I am working on GAL but again, she's not totally shutting me out. In fact the last time I went out to do errands (3 hours) she said, "if your seeing someone else I would like to know so I can be afforded the same right." I got upset mostly because I know she wanted to see "HIM"...

I have never wanted to love my wife more. You really don't know what you have until it's gone. At the same time however, I honestly feel that if she does leave she will regret it forever. This person she met is 32 and my W is 39. I am confident that if she leaves that her fantasy relationship will run its course and then she will be alone. Right now she has a big home, financial stability, children full time, and a loving husband. One stupid decision and it's all gone.

Soooo How do I make her love me and slowly forget about "HIM"... What moves do I make? Let's start with tonight...