You said you are a former WAW. Did you reconcile? How did you end up on this board? You found it yourself or your husband referred you to it?
Well, to show you how nutty a WAW can be.......I did find this website by search for somebody to talk with about my stitch. I was having an on-line EA. I was in terrible shape mentally and physcially. I'm not sure which was the worst but neither was getting better.
I was into the chatting thing. Obviously that is how I met OM. But anyway....I knew things were going to get bad really quick. One night I was needing somebody to help me so badly and I went to search the web for......are you ready for this......a Christian chat board! Yep! And, I found one. But they were goofing off and I was getting really upset with them and told them just what I thought about their Christian chatroom. One of them had enough sense to realize a crazy woman was on line and needed help, and tried to talk a little bit....but the advise was totally flat and I left searching again. I was looking for something under M, I think, when this website came up.
Well with me being "me",I jumped right in and started a thread. I didn't hold anything back and neither did the folks who posted to me. (lol) But they really gave the tough stuff that I needed. And....I would tell them to keep laying it on me b/c I could take it. So they did!
Yes, my M reconciled. But it probably took close to two years to get where we are today. I guess I fall into an odd catagory b/c I was the WAW who was in an EA who was seeking help. However, I did not want my H helping me with ANYTHING! I was a rebell, and every WAW is.
My M is a success and I give this board credit for a big, big part of it. I am here righ now talking to you b/c I want to help somebody the way I was helped. Paying it forward,so to speak.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well today is "pay it forward" day so thanks in advance
My wife is putting a ton of effort right now into working on "recovery" which scares me but today when I was setting up the Christmas tree she had some stuff out on the dining table that was open to a page talking about the way she has put up walls and how destructive that is. It was talking specifically about how she would not be able to see the good that I was trying to do because her defenses would recycle that message into something negative. It also talked about the need for her to take responsibility for her decisions and where she is and that she can't blame all of the problems on me. That was the only page that I read because I really didn't want to snoop but I hope that she can read that and start to see what has happened to us in a different light. The important thing is that she is at least trying to understand what has happened and maybe that will eventually lead us to the same place. I realize how much I have grown through this process and it really makes me feel guilty to think that she might be doomed to a similar outcome in her next relationship if she doesn't take to heart what she is learning.
She is still wearing her wedding ring though. I looked on her ring holder and it was gone. I don't know that I can read *too* much into that but it is something I can be happy about for tonight
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Haven't heard anything back from her since she got home last night. She emailed me during the day to ask a question about getting our car's annual maintenance done and I didn't see the email until last night so I replied to that without mention of the tree. I hope it didn't make her mad but really I think she is waiting to see what my angle is on it. When I don't have one hopefully she will accept it as a nice gesture.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Ok. I appreciate the Christmas tree, taking out the trash & putting the dirt in the backyard. It was nice to come home to. I know it was meant to be a nice surprise but it was a bit unsettling when I came in to see someone had been in the house without my knowledge. I hope you can understand that. I only understood you were going to bring by the dirt for the backyard. In the future, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me know & ask if you need to come into the house. also, what happened to the lightbulb I had in the bathroom?
my reply:
I didn't plan on going inside the house but I told Trina that I thought you should have a Christmas tree since there is room for it in the house and I always said that we should do that when we have kids. I talked myself out of it because I didn't want you to freak out or get angry but she convinced me that it was a nice gesture and that I should do it. I hadn't thought of the idea before I got the Porsche. I won't go in without telling you first. Really, I have no need to go in at all and don't want you to feel unsettled coming home.
I called today about getting sod for the backyard and they are supposed to call me back about coming over for a quote. I can meet them over there but won't need to go in the house. I could install the filters if you would like me to and hook up the tivo for you but that is up to you.
I put the light bulb in for you.
thoughts?
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Hi WN... Seems that your wife is not really appreciating your gestures. She gave you a back handed TY. I think she may have missed you more if she had to haul that dirt herself and had do all those other things as well.
She is reading into your pursut. What is the longest you have gone dark?
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Well that's why I asked on here before I did it lol
But I think that she appreciated it. I went completely dark for about 2 weeks and she emailed me and I responded. I haven't contacted her except as a response but we have had contact every day for the past 7 days. I knew that the tree could be seen as pursuit and I really wanted to avoid that but then like the post above said "it's Christmas."
I am trying to walk the line between being helpful and letting her experience being alone but the problem is that her parents have been over there helping her do everything. She wants to feel independent but it seems like she is reverting more to being a teenager with them taking care of whatever she needs. Her dad came over and cleaned out the gutters and raked the yard etc... So, I'm not sure how much "independence" she is really experiencing.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
But it probably took close to two years to get where we are today. I guess I fall into an odd catagory b/c I was the WAW who was in an EA who was seeking help. However, I did not want my H helping me with ANYTHING! I was a rebell, and every WAW is.