Sorry all my post didn't go through. So here goes again. I am a 36 year old white male my wife is a 35 year old white female we have been married for 12 years together for 13 we have two children a 11 years old biological son and a 15 year old stepson she has from a previous marriage. Our marriage has been rocky to say the least with multiple arguments mostly stemming from an internet chat room addiction i developed early in our marriage.Approximately two years into our marriage i engaged in a short lived physical affair and out of guilt ended it and told my w everything about it. We cried together and she said she loved me so much. Our marriage continued on the rocky patch concerning what she says to be caused by my jealous and controlling behavior. Approximately two years ago i engaged in a three year ea and pa with a married woman. My wife found out about it through the ow husband. We cried together again and this time separated for approximately two months at which time i entered into counseling to try and figure out why i pursued the other woman. We reconciled and spent the next two years together better than ever, though she still complained of my jealous and controlling behavior. After a huge fight about he going to a bachlorette party and her behavior at a wedding reception as a result we separated for a second time. I am currently in counseling again for my behavior cause i don't want to be like this to her and want to save my marriage and make it stronger. While separated i have done everything i shouldn't have begging pleading, hundreds of text messages a day and continuing my accusatory behavior towards her even though she says there is no one else and she is sick of me asking that question every week. She has since stopped responding to my text messages and says she has never loved me like a wife should love her husband, that she has no feelings for me and that she stopped caring a long time ago. She also says that if you love someone you always do and it never goes away. Recently she said that our marriage had been destroyed and that if id been paying attention over the years i would have known that. I told her we can fix it and she says its to late to repair our marriage and that i will never understand her feelings. I would appreciate any input as to what steps i make take to fix my marriage or is it even possible
YOu have a long and difficult road ahead John, I won't lie.
Infidelity can be overcome. Chronic infidelity is like a sore that never heals.
The best thing you can do is to throw yourself in to finding out why you feel the need for others when married, and work to reach a point where this is no longer an issue.
Such things are not fixed in weeks.
Your wife has been rejected in the worst way you can be rejected, and not just once. I sometimes think the worst wound is the one that comes after the first has begun to heal. I sympathisize with your situation, but I sympathize with your wife perhaps the most.
Anything you do right now to explicity try to win her back is going to be counterproductive in my opinion. I'm sure you've told her that, despite your actions, you love her and want to make things right. No need to visit that topic again.
Apologize. Sincerely. Own your mistakes and the pain they have brought to her. Understand how those actions could make a woman want to leave. Let her know you understand.
Work on you. Nothing else. If you must speak, keep it kind, safe, about business, and apologetic.
The rest will take time. And perhaps some intervention from above. All things are possible.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
"We cried together again and this time separated for approximately two months at which time i entered into counseling to try and figure out why i pursued the other woman. We reconciled and spent the next two years together better than ever, though she still complained of my jealous and controlling behavior."
So what did the Counseling do for you? What did you learn?
If it really was "better than ever" why was she still complaining?
I mean.. just going on what you said.. she should be the jealous and controlling one.
"She has since stopped responding to my text messages and says she has never loved me like a wife should love her husband, that she has no feelings for me and that she stopped caring a long time ago."
Here is a hard question for you.. you ready?
Why has she not been been able to love you like a wife should?
Think about it.. give it your best shot.
"I told her we can fix it and she says its to late to repair our marriage and that i will never understand her feelings. I would appreciate any input as to what steps i make take to fix my marriage or is it even possible"
The only reason you think it can be fixed.. is cause she has "fixed" it a few times on her own.
So.. prove to me you understand her feelings.
Post them right here.
You understand.. that "fixing" your marriage lies right in the words you posted.. right?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
In counseling i learned a possibly had a sex addiction and am currently taking medication. It has helped and other women are not a problem.
i just thought it was better than ever cause she hugged me and said i love you without being provoked to. Guess my controlling behavior finally got the best of me and she said she is so tired of trying with me.
i feel she hasn't been able to love me cause of the other women and the jealous behavior and there is a trust issue. She doesn't feel she ever loved me cause the first affair was early in our marriage so she doesn't feel that she can love me. She say i am the one that cheated and that she has been faithful for our entire relationship and she doesn't deserve this.
I feel i can really change to the person she wants. Im still in counselling and on a different medication to control my impulse thinking. i love her with all my heart and want to grow old with her. i just panic sometimes cause she gives no hope for us and says she would be crazy to take me back because i make her so miserable. I wanna show her i can make her happy but i dont feel i can do it with us living apart.
Heres the latest we got into a huge fight over our son and i went off on her judging her behavior her relationship with a 22 year old girl who is a major slut. my wife said we can even raise our child and marriage is harder work than raising a child and we cant even do that so how are we supposed to work on a marriage. i just panic when she says negative things about our marriage and i know i have to stop feeding into her negativity. Its so hard cause she will not even give me a glimmer of hope. As a result of that argument she said she saw a lawyer and we could do this civilly for 1500 or fight it out in court for 2500. I never responded to that message but i know we dont have the money to file and i dont want to encourage her to file.
Yesterday i get a call from a girl that says my wife is seeing another man and that her friend was covering for her. Oh course being the stupid person i am i confronted her and she of course denied everything and said if there was someone else it would be cause he is not crazy like me. Then she ask who hates me bad enough to spread lies about and insisted i tell her of course i never did. We started arguing again this morning again about it and she continued to deny it and said she hasn't been happy in 13 years and that i have always been controlling and jealous and dont let her do anything but i could do whatever i wanted. She said she hides stuff from me cause i freak out about everything and even if she just goes to eat i harass her. I ask her what changes i needed to make and she provided a list but said there was two much to change and that she would be crazy to take me back as miserable as i make her. She then said that she will just call her dad and see if he will loan her the money to file and that i was just mad that i couldn't control her and that she takes the kids to school and goes to work and comes home. this friend isn't helping as she drags my wife all over the place at all hours of the night. I know Im digging my own grave cause i attacked the friends character to my wife. She ended the conversation saying Im not taking your back your driving me crazy>
Well i just poured my heart out to her and thats all im going to say to her till she contacts me. if she has someone else that will not change my love for her. I have hurt her and it kills me. All i can remember is our first kiss our first dance at our wedding holding her hand while she gave birth to our beautiful lil boy. She is my baby and always will be and i will fight for her till i die. I just want to look into her eyes again while she smiles up at me and will wait for the day she walks up behind me and hugs me. Next time people tell me she is messing around i am gonna say i dont believe u and im not confronting her. She is my wife and i am going to respect her and provide for her the rest of my life. Im living proof u dont know what u got till u lose it.
Forest Gump i know its up to me now she has fought for us for years and she has given up all hope that our marriage can be salvaged and i understand her point. i dont blame her.
John, you've come to one of the best places in the world for help with your M and most of all.....help for yourself. Don't get discouraged if it takes a few days for various members to catch up on your thread and post to you. It's important that you keep us posted b/c you will draw strength from this board by reaching out and getting a support group behind you. There are no better folks to do that than right here.
Don't know if you like to read books, but there's one that's a must, and that is Michele's Divorce Remedy.
I admire you for wanting to fight for your M. Sometimes we are in so much pain that we don't realize that fighting "for" the M does not mean to with "in" the M. You are hurting your own cause.....and I think you know it,but you don't have the plan book to teach other "how-tos" for this situation. Divorce Rememdy does that.
Right now you are reacting and making bad decisions from an extemely emotional place. Understandable.....but it does not work. You must calm yourself before the next step, okay?
Forrest Gump.....oh, he's good. And....he will give your stitch some thought and then come back and share that. Wereas, I just jump right in and shoot from the hip. When I first came on board, I was the WAS and I was fogged out of my mind that I could not get one thing Forrest would tell me. I would cuss & discuss over his posts to me (lol), but he was giving good advise...it was me that was reacting from stressed out emotions. When I read what he says now...it makes perfect sense, (usually).
So you have much to do, friend, but my M was saved mostly from what I got right here. Stick with us aNd you could be a success story!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
