who are you?

[25yearsmlc]

Marmie,

you are getting some great advice here, esp about getting the help of a professional. I must tell you to avoid advice that comes off as angry or punitive, usually under the guise of "teaching a lesson" or "showing consequences". It's not our job to teach our spouse a lesson. Life does that. The calmer approaches are almost always the wiser ones, and have a greater chance of being effective than emotional reactions do.

I had a wonderful DB coach tell me that and it helped me, as did a great T.

Also, this is not a contest. No one is supposed to "win" arguments, b/c we are a support group for people trying to save their marriages or get thru a painful divorce which they did not want.

We should be here to help YOU without projecting or diagnosing. Beware of advice that boldly labels people based on woefully inadequate information, and advocates a punitive approach for your h (which is what much of it was to me). It's Not geared toward a happy ending, but was about their version of "winning" or being proved "right". Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

More importantly, You say your m was good and that the sex life was too, all until pretty recently. If that is true, then you & your h need some seriously more in depth talking. I'm worried he's physically sick if this is a total 180 for him. I mean, my late bil started acting childish and goofy & was repetitive for a few months, really turning my sister off. It turned out he had a brain tumor. Took months for it to warrant an exam and only did b/c he had a seizure. (Yes he passed away at the age of 42). There are other physical things that could be triggering such odd behavior of your h, IF this really is as you describe, which is that it's totally out of the blue. I would want HIM to get the physical tests. In sickness and in health...

Like many MLCers or WASs, My h did lousy things to me and our children that were deeply painful. He definitely did not mean to hurt us. And he's trying to do better now and I see a lot of the man I once knew returning. But he honestly seems to not recall some of the things he said or did that I recall vividly. It's odd for me to view those actions in light of the rest of our marriage. Like a 3 year "Wacky" time out.

Get some real help. Work on letting go of the anger. Forgiveness is about you not being consumed by anger, fear or shame. FORGIVENESS IS Not condoning behavior you find unacceptable!! There are many LBSers who want to stay angry and they do. at their expense, or their children's, or their careers, or their marriages. They somehow believe if they let go of the anger, that their spouse is off the hook, and that's "unfair". But THE ANGRY LBSers are on their own hook of misery, and most of the time their attempt to get "fairness" by Not forgiving, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes.
I did not feel my h "deserved" forgiveness but I realized in time, that my anger was consuming MY life and I was not fully present for my children b/c I was so preoccupied with how badly hurt I was, and how h could do this to me/us, why he was doing/acting that way, etc. I wish I had instead immediately focussed on ME and my kids' needs. It's all I could control anyhow.

But if your m was the way you described it and suddenly out of the blue your h shuts you out this way, then that's new and strange enough to stop and slow this escalation down til you know what's really going on. And earlier you said you wanted to divorce to stop the pain. One thing I'm sure of is that a divorce will NOT STOP your pain. Maybe he's having big time gender issues. Is it impossible for you to envision a scenario in which you remain married to him? IF so, cross that bridge when you get to it, but you are not there yet, imo.

If you read the DB books you'll recall that you must always always know your goal BEFORE you react or speak. Your approaches have only heightened tensions. So, it's not effective. Don't keep doing what does not work. What is your goal? How can you get there? How can getting professional help be a bad idea?


FWIW, I have some fantasies I do NOT want to actually act out or act upon. But there are things I look at that appeal to me for somewhat embarrassing reasons. Not all of them "make sense" and I've only shared some of them with my h. Why share it with him when He's not Latin, for one thing? I'm not making light of your sitch but am saying that I would be definitely interested in what it means for him to be looking at the sites you mention--- but I'm not qualfied or familiar enough w/it to assess all of the implications. There are people who are qualified and familiar enough to do so, however...).

good luck, take a breath...turn your pain & anger over to God, and leave the results up to Him too.

(( ))