I can do this...

[irishblessings]

I called H this evening. Through recent emails and interactions H has had with the kids, I guess I reached a point where I felt I couldn't go on being passive. Initially my passiveness was to avoid interacting with crazy - but it has gotten to the point where I felt as if I abdicated control of the boundaries in my life.

So I called and went through perfunctory items. Then I brought up that I had concerns over the discussions that he had been having with the kids as of late. I said that it appeared to the kids and family and friends that he was reappearing in S's life due to bb season. H acknowledged that he could see why it looked like that but that he was just trying to do the best he could. I said - well here's the deal, I need for you to establish a consistent schedule to see S - 2 days per week. An hour or two each time. Then you need to let S contact you when he wants more interactions. You are pushing yourself on him and then getting agitated when you are not received with open arms. Please give S some space.

Then I said - you know "H" - we have raised these amazing kids together. And we raised them to have values and we've tried to be good role models. I feel it is completely inappropriate for you to bring another woman into their lives when we are not even divorced. You have moved right into another relationship which contradicts all the reasons you said you needed to leave. I told him that his emotional detachment from all of us has caused him not to recognize the impact of his statements. I brought up about him telling the kids they would have "ended up better" if we had made different decisions. How he told S that he had been miserable for 7 years and had been faking it (S felt like that was all of his childhood). H was quiet.

What was crazy was that many of the things I said that were direct quotes from him he denied saying. Like no recollection. He said that he didn't abandon the kids - he just wanted to get away from me. (Ouch).

He said he had been working on himself. That he hadn't planned on meeting someone so soon. I said - "you met her at a bar and from what you've told Ds - she has baggage too." He says - "yes". I said - when you left, you had significant mental health issues. I told him that since he had left I had talked to his C, our MC, and my C and that all had made recommendations for treatment. I said - you will always be these amazing kids' father. I said - WE raised these amazing kids. I said that these kids believed we had a GREAT family - not because of things we had or places we went - but because of feeling safe and loved at home - hanging out on the couch watching movies - singing oldies - playing scrabble - laughing - sharing meals. The things that you have said to them have negated those values. You need to be healthy for them. I said that in NO way did I deserve the things he did to me. He agreed.

So...how do I feel? Sad, sure. But glad that I set the boundary about S - I felt like I was taking control and protecting my son. Yes, I probably didn't handle it perfectly - but it wasn't terrible. I told him that I didn't want him back but that I still didn't believe in divorce. I told him that I really thought he needed time to work on himself - he said he was. I gave him specific examples of his abandonment of kids, etc. He has lied to kids on several occasions - he was quiet on those points. Bottom line - it wasn't ugly. I told him that I could not be his "friend" right now. Friends don't treat friends the way I was treated. But I told him that I had not disrespected him, nor stood in his way. I never blocked his access to kids or whatever. I said that we have not been co-parenting. I have been 24/7. Finally I said - I just want to know what you are seeking with this divorce. Am I going to need to sell the house? What do you want? He said he hadn't completely figured it out.

Why am I posting all of this? Because I really don't know what is right or what is wrong any longer. I used to have a better handle on my values - morals. I am still wearing my wedding band when he is taking his new love to family events. I have a serious problem with him exposing the kids to his new love life when we are still legally married. I want to remember and believe in clean living. Does it exist? Are there people out there who wake up and really want to do the right things? It's been so long since it's been a part of my life.

Sorry for the length of the post. I have to pick up and move forward after several days of taking steps back.

[hope for zen]

I'm going to be reading your post a few times over the next few days. I am still struggling with my H exposing D to OW so early and not seeming to think there are any concequences for her.

Good for you to set your boundries.

I am still looking for mine and I am truly torn about what to do.

(((hugs)))

[AntoniaB]

I do think you did a good job in calmly articulating your boundary concerns with him, and the fact that he was quiet on some things means that probably he's out of attack mode with you and in a more introspective or just detached place. The other thing I really relate to is your comment about not knowing what is right or wrong any more, not knowing about whether there is a way to live "cleanly" in these situations. I'm not going to hijack your thread but the situation I'm in with my H starting to ramp up contact makes me really question what I'm supposed to do too. I think in your case you're going to be up in the air about right and wrong but clearly with the way things have been going for you for the past few weeks with the OW being exposed to your kids pre-divorce, that was kind of the last straw, and you stood up for what you believe to be right and I think what most people would believe is right, and you did it in a calm, non-confrontational way, so hopefully things will change a bit there.

[irishblessings]

I have a question...I don't think I have a good sense of reality any longer.

H met new woman within one month of leaving the house (supposedly..) - OK, so now he has told everyone that he didn't expect to "fall" so quickly. He is finally finding his way to happiness (his words).

Here's my question...is this crazy? Does this really happen? Am I so lost in bizzaro land that I see him "happy" and I think he is "normal"?

April 12th I get the most beautiful card from H filled with promises - now I am weeks away from divorce and he is in love.

I guess I am struggling because if I CHOOSE to love anyone then I do. So even if this is over the top crazy - if he chooses it then it is. Does that make sense?

Guide me friends towards real world normalcy!

[hope for zen]

((((Antonia))))

I feel like you and I are in similar places. Not exact, but close.

You are setting good boundries. They aren't a strategy, or out of anger. Keep pulling back till you start to feel more grounded.

Your H, like mine is 'in love' and won't be reachable untill the A dies. Not really much you can do to help that, just protect yourself and live your life.

I would post more, but I'm falling asleep while typing. I'll try to keep up with you.

Prayers & (((hugs)))...

[AntoniaB]

Well, to give you a comparison with me, mid-May, I asked my H if things were ok because I felt like he was spiraling down again. He assured me via email, "I'm in a good place; don't worry. Everything's fine. I'm not broken anymore." On June 7, he suggested in front of our close friends that he and I should renew our vows on the beach someday. On June 10th, he said he was not in love with me and in love with someone else, and in about 2 weeks, we'll be divorced.

Is this "normal", our situations? Well, yes and no. It's normal in that it happens ALL the time and the statistics bear this out in terms of infidelity and divorce. Is it "right?" No, of course not, but it just is. In a perfect world, I guess, we'd all amicably come to terms with the end of a relationship (or try to fix it and both put full effort into that) BEFORE someone would move on to relationship number two, but that doesn't seem to happen much.

I mean, I don't see how the very quick turnaround of them getting involved with someone so deeply so fast will ever last. Seriously, try to put yourself in that mindset. Could you honestly go get involved in a deep relationship right now? No! Because you're suffering and have baggage and you're smart enough to know that you don't poison a new relationship with that. But these WAS's seem to think they're so powerful, that they are on a mission to suddenly right everything in them that's wrong, and they feel that the new relationship will give that to them. I think they figure that "sure, many affairs don't work out, but she and I are DIFFERENT. We have our heads on straight. We know what we're doing. We won't fail." I mean, any relationship born out of deceit, or heartache, or separation/divorce and breaking up of a marriage when the other person never saw it coming, how can a relationship built on such poisoned ground ever flourish? I am convinced if they do, it's only because the affair partners are hell-bent on "making" it work because they've burned their bridges elsewhere, espcially if the marriage that one or both ended was essentially a good marriage till the MLC began.

Is this normal, what they're doing? No. It's not. I think by saying you come to a point of acceptance, no one is saying you have to accept this as "right" or "normal." For me, acceptance is more about saying "I'm not gonna keep beating myself up about what is out of my control and I'm just going to try to live with the reality, even if the reality screams "unfair" and "wrong" at me every day. I'll just learn to live with it and try to find some happiness and peace despite my world crashing down around me."

In the end, your world crashes down, yes, but there are seeds of rebirth all around you that you can't see yet. But they are there.

[irishblessings]

Wow - thanks Antonia - you definitely have a talent for writing:) BTW - I was a former English teacher:)

Zen - thanks and go to sleep - it's what we all need more of:) (sorry A - I just ended with a preposition:))

I am thankful for your input:)

[warriorshadow]

Irish,

OW is a band aid for the pain.

MLC=Confusion

This is why you get confused too. We all hitch a ride on this

thing and unfortunately you have to outlast it if that is what

you want. Only you can decide if it is worth it to you to keep

standing.

I am weeks away from divorce too.

So... right now... I choose to pop the popcorn and watch.

I have three awesome boys that I am going to be the best dad

I can be for them in a difficult and confusing time.

That is all that is important to me right now.

But I can't just stay there. I have to continue to do what

I feel is best for me and that is to take the high road right

now.

So I totally know what you are going through. Your H is at

a ripe age for an MLC. Double down on the MLC if you know

he had a less than a loving environment childhood.

Even with a divorce looming, I am in no hurry to go anywhere.

But that is me.

Far be it from me to suggest what you are to do.

The crazy stuff they do is to me the confirmation to me that

they are truly messed up.

From what you have posted about your H tells me he is confused.

You do seem to be handling it well and I do follow your threads

a lot.

As far as having a good sense of reality......

I don't know how anybody could with the situation you are in.

That is part of the journey, isn't it? Finding out who you are

in the face of adversity? This thing was not going to let you

just take the back door out to escape it. In fact, you being

here on this board already shows you are not the normal, run from

every problem individual that we have far too many of in our

world right now. I don't want to sugarcoat anything for you

because you will see right through it.

You know you have people here that will help you and believe

me they are the kind of people you want helping. I have

personally met some of them and they truly are filtered out from

the ordinary.

The fact is, you do not know how this will all play out.

Even after a possible divorce, you still don't know how

it will play out.

But you do know how you are going to handle it TODAY.

YOU get to choose how YOU are going to handle it TOMORROW.

This is what is going to define YOU in your heart and mind.

That is what you get to live with every day and night from now

on. I can't imagine what an MLC'r has to think about every day

and night when they are alone with themselves. It is between them

and their mind and if they choose to allow their MAKER to be part

of their thoughts.

It has got to a TOTAL MESS for them. It would be for me.

What's it going to be for YOU?

Sorry I rattled on this long but I just felt like posting it

this way.

WS

[warriorshadow]

It has got to a TOTAL MESS for them. It would be for me.

Edit not working.

Should say

It has got to be a TOTAL MESS for them.

WS

[AntoniaB]

WS that was helpful to me too. I'm sorry to hear you're weeks away from divorce too but glad to see you are taking it one day at a time. Very inspiring post--thanks!