so my w was at the house tonight and decorated the tree with the kids. Is it wrong to want take the decorations all down and put new stuff up? i feel uncomfortable sitting in my own living room.
i did talk with her on the ride out to the house and she didnt know what to say to me. Other than she was an idiot she said nothing else. so i didnt say much. I told her i couldnt drive her back and forth any more. she wasnt too happy about that, but i just cant right now.
i need space for myself, so i also asked her to find somewhere else for her visits for the next while. i cant deal with her in the house acting like everything is ok. i just cant put myself through that anymore.
Where's the OM in all this? How often does she see him?
If you feel uncomfortable, that's okay. I know what that's like. One minute you're saying you need space for yourself and the next you're feeling guilty. Right now you're making things a little too easy for her. There needs to be a tiny shift in the circumstances to move things along.
Do what you feel comfortable doing.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
she lives with the OM. Has since she moved out. The letter she wrote him and was in the car indicated she told him she loved him and he didnt reciprocate, then she lost her job and told me she wanted to come home. Obviously he changed his mind as she went right back to him. So thats where he is in all of this.
Everyone says i'm making things to easy for her. what more can I do? She has lost everything. If i drive her, the kids dont see her. my D7 in particular needs her mom. cries for her everyday. She sleeps with her moms clothes. Its really heart breaking. She just wants her mom. So I make concessions for them. I make sure there mom can see them and she can do it at the house as she has no car or money to take them anywhere.
my w was a full time stay at home mom with these kids, her leaving is very hard on them. So i make concessions that will benefit them at my expense. what else is there for me to do/
here is the ultimate kick in the family jewels, she pawned both wedding bands and her engagement ring for a whopping $150. she then let the ticket expire and they are gone for good. when do the kicks stop? anybody? sure is quiet around here.
Ok, so i had to damage control tonight. Her mom went off and told the family about everything. So my w isnt talking to anyone. I had to deal with her grandma, her uncles and then her.
wasnt good, i apologized to w about it but her mom is a big girl and she is furious with her daughter. I am staying out of that fight.
spent the rest of the night with the kids on the wiiand just enjoying them. need them a lot these days.
ok, so i just had a 3 hour covnersation with my wife. we talked about everything, and topics such as the OM were hard to listen to, but i did. she admits she has screwed everything up. she loves OM but is not in love with OM. his family hates her, his dad is a big wigg at her job so he knows what she did. She hates herself. She came home cause she thought she could handle her feelings, but then she wasnt ready for it and had to leave.
The OM puts no expectations on her, he is disappointed in her behaviour and activities and she is surprised he lets her stay there. she just doesnt know what to do or where to turn.
NO her mom has disowned her and her entire family knows what is going on. She is just lost.
we talked about us and why she left. she was quite clear, the pressures of my job turned me into an as***(& and it effect my home life and she just couldnt deal with it.
I am happy to say, i listened, validated and and questions so that I could better understand her views, opinions and feelings on our situation. I didnt get angry even when talk was about OM, i stayed calm and spoke to her not at her.
was a good conversation. the only reason it ended was i had a meeting, otherwise we would still be talking.
So i learned alot today, she even had specific events that hurt her and started her to hate the man i was becoming. this was the best conversation i have had with her in a long time.
Sounds like a good conversation. Now what have you done to make her feel "safe" with you. It sounds like all the negatives are hitting her. Make your life great and the only refuge she can run to. No expectations on your part. Enrich your life and make the changes that you feel are necessary for yourself.
Someone once sent me this and it's helped to keep me focused. See how it helps you:
Be the Lighthouse.
Your spouse is in huge conflict....
The good news is and the truth is that they are totally incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone right now...
The competition we believe that exists with the OP is a shallow, empty reflection of God's light in this world....
It is empty and lonely no matter how good the rush.
Their actions are actions that they themselves do not like in themselves right now....though the need to go back again and again and attempt to prove themselves wrong or right is strong....they do not like what they are doing....
Their actions towards you, the children, the OP and themselves keep them from engaging in any type of real interactions with real dept and truth.
All they offer are misguided attempts to fill the void that has appeared in their life....yet the filling is way to fleeting to sustain them and the truth is with them each night he or she lays down, regardless of whom is next to them....
They are the living cliche of...no matter where you go to hide, there YOU are.
He or she is lost to themselves.
And you stand at that point of being the lighthouse home. Even though they create the waves that block their vision from seeing that.
You become the lighthouse. You fill your home with light, calmness and sanctuary.
Just visualize yourself as a lighthouse.
You offer them glimpses into that sanctuary at every chance you get. You invite them towards it, let them know it is there as much as you can in a most subtle way.
They are untrustable right now, but you know that. So they can't hurt you right now. They will spend great energy to convince others differently, but you know better.
You show them the path by also protecting the children from their painful actions. Set clear boundaries that the OP is not part of your childrens lives, without love busting.
Offer alternatives that let them see the children, but be clear that the OP is to have no access to them. You fill the childrens lives with stability. They deserve it and need it more than anything else.
Do not discuss or power struggle with them on irrational movements. Seek out and validate the rational ones with lots of praise for when he or she chooses correctly.
Your spouse is very lonely and sad right now, but that is OK. No one can stay very long in that chaos..it is wearisome to the soul..
And remove yourself from any aspect of participating or adding to the chaos and eventually they will see that you are the only one who stood with clarity and reason when they needed it most.
Be the lighthouse...
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
