"its so hard to take a deep look at yourself and not blame yourself."

I understand.

Here is a thought though.. take a hard look.. and blame yourself 50%. Figure out where you failed. Be accountable for that.

"He never responded and I pulled back more - my insecurities grew more"

You were stuck in a cycle. We keep trying the same things.. even when they fail.

"I never felt I was "hot" enough for my husband."

You understand that I find your comment quite.. "Crazy"?

He chose you. You found yourself lacking. You set in motion the cycle.

"My husband also in the past has made comments to me about weight, ect."

Maybe you did "change".. and he spoke to you the best way he knew how. Maybe you never felt like "enough"?

This again is something you should watch for. Pay attention to how I worded it. It was intentional.. and thought out.

"I dont know who I am anymore except for being a wife and mommy."

I think you have the general idea. Define "wife" in your statement. What does that word mean to you?

We may come back to "mommy".

"I know I need to work on finding me right now but that is what is scaring me."

What specifically scares you?

Slow down with your book buying.. and all that.. just talk.. and answer the questions.

Lets me and you "talk" for a few days.

Questions direct the conversation.

Relax
Eat
Think
Act normal
React.. Smartly.
Do something different.
Emulate.
Do Work.

Lets get "RETARDED" in here.