Your D does not deserve to be treated this way, not one little bit!!
IMO, if they are going to be RUDE and MISERABLE...they can just simply stay away and be RUDE and MISERABLE alone or towards their friend of choice the moment.
If your day was like mine, you and D were probably doing quite well without his presence, happy too. He comes on the scene and the next thing is he upsets his darling, wonderful daughter. IMO, his frustrations were towards you (undeserving and unjustified of course)and he used her to take them out on. Shame on your H!!
(((Cas))) You do know that you are not the cause of your H's frustrations and problems. My guess is there is probably a source outside (OW or MIL or HOLIDAYS) bringing on this latest bout of MLC flu.
These guys are soooo selfish and need to grow the (insert word of choice) up!!
Perhaps next time H asks D if she wants to have his help with whatever, she tells him "Thanks Dad, but no thanks, I'm all set".
I know I'd rather figure out an alternate plan rather than watch and listen to my H treat my son this way and for no logical reason except that he is messed up in his head. I have saved son from many of these types of situations over the past 5 years and I'll do it forever if I have to.
How did your D feel when she got home? I hope you had a chance to talk to her about her Dad's unreasonable behavior.
My advice on this one...YOU and D should go dark on him and allow him the time and space to deal with this newest, crazy chapter all by his lonesome. After all it can't hurt either you or D at this point.
Think long and hard before you invite him to your holiday festivities this year as well....just a thought for you.
I'll be thinking about you both...
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
So today, I thought I am not going to let H's lack of care affect me and I sent him a humorous multiple choice question as to why he had not been in contact.
He basically replied that I had not told him anything about the op or the recovery and so he thought he would be intruding. Pfft! I'm a pretty open book so I don't care much for that excuse.
He knows that I thought that was a pretty lame excuse.
H obviously knew the date of the upcoming surgery.
H obviously sent you an email the night before with good wishes.
Post Surgery:
H obviously quizzed D numerous times as to your well being and recovery.
H is obviously withdrawn and reluctant to invite himself to ask you directly of your recovery.
So....
Is your H denying that he knew of the date, nature of the surgery, that D had updated him on your status. Hogwash!!
I am going to assume that H does not want you to think he cares and thus his avoidance of you allows him to think he isn't getting close. I think H has feelings he is denying. He can deny and avoid all he wants they are not going to go away.
Something happened this Spring between you and H and he has crept back into the tunnel because it scared him. He is afraid to get hurt or rejected and thus it's easier to deny he has rekindled any feelings for you.
So...Knowing this, you create the atmosphere that drew him out earlier.
Your best plan would be to maintain. You should be the kind, sweet, loving Cas that you are. You should continue to treat H well.
Now that you have confronted H back way off. You planted a seed and he will think on that. Leave him alone to let him think. Don't make contact with him. Give it time and he will make contact with you. When or if he comes for D again in the near future, don't hide instead be open and happy and warm and the "I've Got It All Together Cas" you are. This is the reason he was drawn back in to begin with.
Get that house decorated in grand style as you have in the past and begin to celebrate this Christmas season. For instance, play some holiday music if you know he is coming, heck be singing along when he arrives. Start your baking earlier than usual and send along some of your special treats that H just loves. If you don't want all that food in the house you could always take some to work on Fridays for instance. GAG is probably right about food. It is a huge connection between you and H. Build on that again.....
Don't invite H to your holiday celebration. In stead create the atmosphere where H wishes he could be a participant. You know as well as I do that when they want to do something they will find their own way even if it's simply wriggling in unassumed or noticed and I know you know exactly what I mean here.
I wish you and I had an alternate way of communicating some days. My H was rather interesting on Sunday. He spent the whole day with me and son again and he appears to once again be peaking his head out of the dark. It was all soooo very interesting.
Sanderika's thought for today....Our H's are not done!!
Hugs to you,
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Sanderika's thought for today....Our H's are not done!!
This sentence jumped out on me.. they may not be done but make sure youre not hanging on indefinetly till they decide one way or another, I hate for either of you lovely ladies to waste a life hankering after Mr Getaroundtuit..
____________________________
W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
I made contact with H because I wasn't going to let him avoid me. I just got to a point where I said, "Enough!" He was predictable. He made excuses. I didn't respond to the excuses. I did feel hurt he couldn't even bother to call me especially when just the week before he'd made contact. However, his excuses were (as I knew they would be) pathetic. As he made them he would have realised how pathetic they were. I was going to challenge him but I just couldn't be bothered.
I'm not going to do anything special for him now. I've opened the door. It's up to him. I may invite him to come here for Christmas. I haven't decided. It will allow me more time with my kids.
My reflection is; either he is really callous and uncaring or as Sanderika says he doesn't want me to think he cares (and he's told me before that he loves me like a friend). Whichever option is not enough. I've given enough to him as a friend and quite frankly I am not going to continue to give in this way. We've reconnected over recent months and I am happy to keep moving along this path but I am not happy for a one sided friendship. I think I am going to tell him this and he can do what he wants with it.
So I did tell him but in a polite way. I don't care if it's good or bad DB. I've had enough. He restated his pathetic excuses, did not apologise and snapped, "I'll keep it in mind for next time," and ended the conversation tersely. That's enough for me.
I'm SO sorry that H has not stepped up during a time when you are not feeling well. No doubt your post-operative pain, pain medications, and post-operative activity restrictions have compounded your discouragement. It's tough to GAL when you're recovering from surgery.
What did you say to H? .......and what did H say to you?
I understand that it is tough to settle for friendship from someone who was your lover, your best friend, and your H in the true definition of the word...........but when your WAH won't even reciprocate friendship that is freely offered to him, THAT is really tough. It will be interesting to see how H responds.
I had mentioned to H on skype last night that I had missed his contact and he said I had not given him any information about my recovery. He said he had asked D how I was going several times.
(He had D staying with him 2 nights while I was in hospital so he knew that much. I have had 10 surgeries so I am fairly used to the process by now and quite matter of fact)
I then changed tact and asked him how he was and what he was up to. Got fairly limited response. So sensing I was on a 'no win' I said goodnight.
I thought about it over night and re-read the skype script and realised how one sided it all was.....I was asking how he was and enquiring about his stuff and not once was their any enquiry over me, my health or my interests or in fact any sharing from him.
I then considered........other operations he has called and visited with the kids and he has had the same info or less. He asked D so he knew I was able to take calls/texts etc. He knew when I was home. He knew I was on the computer cos he would have seen that we were on skype at the same time. He came here twice and I heard him at the door and he didn't ask if he could come in or ask how I was. He didn't call out. He just spoke to D and left.
I phoned and asked if he had time to talk for a few minutes. He said fine and then I said that I felt hurt that he hadn't called/texted to see how I was. He gave his excuses as before saying I didn't tell him anything about the op and the recovery. I asked why he didn't ask. He replied it was because he didn't think I wanted him to know or I would have told him. I said he had no issue asking me to help with his applications or resumes or my recipe books so he should have been able to ask what the recovery would be like. He said he didn't want to interrupt my sleep/rest with texts/calls but he had asked D several times. I said, like other surgeries I would have welcomed the conversation as hospitals can be lonely, boring places. He said "I'll keep it in mind for next time. Is there anything else? (using the 'I've had enough of this' voice) and hung up.
I'm SO sorry that H seems to have gone back into the tunnel again! Do you have any idea if he has been around MIL again? Is it possible that he is in a funk about his job prospects? I'm not saying that excuses his thoughtless behavior, but I do remember that you saying awhile ago that H said he might need to make a decision to look for work in another city if he couldn't find work by the beginning of January 2011. If he does that, how would that affect his R with OW?
............I'm just brainstorming to think of possible reasons for H's behavior.
Please take care of yourself and get better. Do something nice for yourself, OK? Give yourself the space that you need to heal mentally and physically right now.
I'm sure there is a lot on H's plate with his work/financial situation.
He and I talked tonight and the conversation started dark. He said nothing between us ever changes and that he can never do anything right. He said it's always been the same and that's why our relationship didn't work and nothing has changed and would never change. I stupidly said, "but we usually get along pretty well" and he disputed that, too.
Conversation was going steadily down hill.
I said if I didn't handle the conversation well he should tell me how I could improve. He said it didn't matter because he was moving. When I asked about that he said it had nothing to do with me and was quite cold. At the very bottom of the hill now........
Seeking new conversation I went for the red hot favourite....work and that opened up a whole new topic and he shared quite a lot and as it's an area I know a lot about too so we talked quite a bit about that. Then we talked about the kids and other family stuff. I told him about my operation and what it involved. In that time he started telling me about some of his moving options.
Overall we were talking more than an hour.
So the conversation ended much better than when it started.
