LRT and Christmas

[MHL]

Barb,

I am sorry that what I wrote made you cry.......

then again every tear that I poured out my eyes brought me closer to the place I am at today.

It is a process, you will find as you come to this wonderful place for guidance and support we will talk about "Doing the Work"......meaning "working on YOU"

that means different things to different people....for me it was being curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my closet, with the door shut to the closet, to the bathroom and to my room so my kids would not hear me cry so hard I thought I was going to throw up.......

BUT

Everytime I did, I knew that it would come to an end and each time it was a little less and a little shorter.....and guess what.....

The Sun still came up the next day and I picked myself up and carried on......that was the "WORK" for me.

Getting to the point that I KNEW that I not only would survive without her but that I could actually be happy if not happier without her.......make no mistake....I am not telling you to leave your H in order to find this happiness.

Quite the contrary....kinda.......you have to mentally, emotionally, and yes somewhat physically have to "leave" your H in order to find your HAPPINESS.

This is the ONLY path back to your M, or at least a M that you would both be satisfied with.

DR is actually all about YOU. Saving YOU in order to save the marriage. I remember being right where you are.......it is like reading a cookbook......follow the recepie and put thing in the oven and waaalaaa....your Marriage is whole again!!!!!

Gotta start with a beginner's mind.......and you have to wrap your head around this RIGHT NOW..........TIME.

This is going to take TIME......a long TIME.

You have to go to the grocery store and buy the food bring it home before you can start to cook......right?????

Barb, guess what????? you have not even showered yet to go out to the store and I know you are not going out looking like that.....LOL....remember to laugh....it helps, trust me.

You are at the very beginning of this thing and you are going to be here awhile......do me a favor......stop with the LRT technique....your not there yet.

Here is the good news......your situation is not that bad.....seems like it right now but it is not.....

Now here is a hint......YOU CAN MAKE IT WORSE!!!!

I know you don't want that.....

You are looking for a play by play instruction manual and you are looking for what you can DO....meaning some action....right????

WRONG.....this is the wrong mindset and it will make the situation worse. Time for a little brain surgery.....anytime you feel like doing something or saying something to your H, STOP write down the time and wait at least 24 to 48 hours.....best advice I could ever give you. (And anyone else reading this).

Beginner's mindset.......Barb what this means is you are going to do the smallest thing for a loooooonnnnnnggggggg time before you do anything else......how long?????

Weeks..........yep WEEKS AND WEEKS which will probably turn into Months, better wrap your head around that now.

Slide up to the table and I will pour you one.....

Remeber this.....your smallest, CONSISTENT behavior will be noticed above all other things.

You have to stop engaging your H in convo, physical touch, calling, snooping, everything.....don't be mean but STOP pursuing him.

What is pursuing????? For now.....assume everything is.

Communicate only when neccessary and then it needs to be chipper or at least nice.

Next.....get the h@ll out of the house....alot!!!! If you don't have to be there....get out. DO ANYTHING but stay away as much as possible...don't neglect the kids....well make sure they have food and water, but other than that....get out.

Do anything...I went to the bookstore alot....took my computer, drank coffee, came here....anything, just stay away and do not tell him or the kids what you are doing. Come up with some canned response that is believable. Do this for WEEKS.....I mean WEEKS.

You have to detach from his mess and really the only way that I know of when you are under the same roof is to spend less time under the roof.....get it??????

This is a ridiculously long post so I will end it there......those are your marching orders.....carry them out soldier!!!!!

Hang in there.......it gets better......I PROMISE.

Cheers!!!