I am going to try and keep this as simple as I can. Ask questions if it will help with feedback. I hope that one day I can help others get through the situation I am in now.
At the beginning of the year my wife started really showing signs of wanting out but my anger issues clouded every word and action that came from me. I was looking into truck driving to change up my career path completely and my wife was very supportive. We had spent time apart before and thought this would be ok too. It was only after I was committed to truck driving that she told me she was unhappy for the past 2 years and had been thinking about leaving me. She said she only stayed around because she knew I wouldn't have gone into trucking if she left and she sacraficed her own happiness again for what was best for me, as she always had.
I still hadn't worked on my anger and didn't understand when she said she wanted an emotional seperation. I tried the old logic, pleading, and such to no avail and it all had an undercurrent of anger and blame. One huge mistake was that when I came home from driving after 2 months of no communication and a physical seperation due to the job, I tried kissing her when she didn't want to and she said she made up her mind at that time. July 3rd is when she finally said she wanted a divorce. I cried like crazy but avoided anger since I had worked on that by this time. I went back to work and while I was on the road the little bit we talked she always brought up divorce. I had backed off some but not enough and got suicidal.
On my next break from work I went therapy for a few weeks and she stayed with family and friends because she didn't want to be in the house with me. It was during this break that I found "The Divorce Remedy" and tried putting it to practice. I thought I was doing well until I had what I thought was a small backslide yesterday.
Today is the worst. I asked to go to the house (since she has been there while I am on the road) and when I got there to visit our pets I find divorce papers on the table and another mans stuff in my house. Come to find out she has been dating for a bit and and this guy is her boyfriend. It looks like she printed the papers off of the computer and I am going to try and see an attorney tomorrow. She erased everything off the computer because she didn't want me to be able to get any photos or videos of us off it and she is packing up the house and always talking about moving. It looks like she has started a new bank account too.
If I have to answer the divorce papers should I contest and request counseling? She won't want to go to counseling but the papers say it can be court ordered. What about the finacial stuff, will it look like I am trying to get back at her?
Welcome to our community. I'm really sorry that you have come home to this news. My first concern is your emotional state, given the fact you felt suicidal before and the anger issues you are working on. If you feel out of control or too intense...take care of that FIRST. Even if you go into an emergency room. You don't need to let her know about that.
I do think in your case you should request the counseling, she may stonewall, but it may buy you some time to figure some things out, make some changes, etc.
You are in a tough place because you cannot come off too strong or angry and you cannot be begging and pleading, those things will work against you.
I think a DB Coach would give you the very BEST advice for the kind of changes you need to make. That said, we in the online community are here to walk with you every step of the way. You are NOT alone.
Everyone here has had some sort of experience with this. No one is an expert. Any advice you get on taking a tough line with your wife right now will absolutely backfire in YOUR situation. You will get a lot of wonderful advice. Many of our members are very wise, and extremely supportive.
Take exceptional care of yourself. You matter. And you will get through this stronger, better. I hope that softens your wife's heart for a second chance. You will be able to grow with this community.
Thank-you so much for the support and understanding. In everything that I have looked at and the people I have talked to DB is the only one I have found that is truly in favor of fighting for your marriage.
As far as the suicidal issues and anger I have made leaps and bounds in those areas. The anger I dealt with by reading a great book called "Anger Busting: 101" and is very solution oriented like DB. I went to therapy for the suicidal thoughts and my wife knows about all of it because I had to stay in the house and I am on her insurance. The fact that I am in a truck by myself most of the time and communicating with my wife only via text is beneficial for those intense times because she can't see me break down and I have time to think of a good response to conversations.
I wanted to ask her to do counseling with me before but knew it wasn't a good idea at the time. I knew I had to show her I was changing and not blame her.
I have avoided being openly needy except for our pets which are like children. She knows I don't want this and she just keeps telling me nothing will change it. She told me she doesn't care if I changed, she doesn't want me back and she wants a new life. Since it has been months of basically doing the last resort technique I reread “The Divorce Remedy” and saw where it said that sometimes being too soft is a turn-off and to take a firmer stand. I tried doing that somewhat by saying that I could come home from driving every 2 weeks and stay at the house to help with the cats and chores. It would be up to her if she wanted to be in the house with me or not. She told me she couldn’t handle me being home every 2 weeks and would just need to move so I could have the house. Now that I have officially been given some papers both my parents and in-laws (who I am staying with right now and are attempting to stay neutral) have already told me that I have no reason to be soft with the house since she has made up her mind. As I told both of them, if I just tell her that I am going to be in the house whether she likes it or not or I just start showing up whenever then I might as well go ahead and sign the papers because it will do nothing but make matters worse.
I can put on the confident act, but not too strong, not too pushy, not angry or blaming (though subtle blaming is the mistake I made yesterday) but don’t know how she will see it. She doesn’t want to talk to or see me, she is dating another guy and his stuff is in the house, and even when I want to visit the pets she leaves before I get to the house and won’t come back until I have texted her and told her I have left. To make up for the firmer stance on the house I told her that when I come home next time I am not asking or expecting to stay in the house, just that I want to visit the pets. I have been trying to flood her with appreciation for these small things.
If I could afford to do the telephone coaching I would do it in a heartbeat. I am going to be careful with my money and see if there is anyway I can get it. Whenever I can I am going to check this website and I really appreciate any and all help. I really don’t want to end up in that small percentage of people who has the DB technique fail. I know if I can get her to reconsider we will have a lot of work to do. We will need counseling anyway because there are deep hurts on both sides now.
Thanks to all.
P.S. If anybody wants to give me some quick advice here are the pertinent issues as I see them:
1. Since contesting the divorce is argumentative should I push for the counseling as well?
2. Should I take the economic relief stance since she actually makes more money than me right now? And she is in the house splitting up property on her own right now?
3. Do I stay completely faithful by not dating or having sexual relations with anybody else even though she is? If I do, can I ever mention this to her to prove my commitment or will that just make matters worse?
I think right now your best bet is to go dark and take care of yourself. Stay in touch with both parents. This relationship of hers may burn out 6m-2yrs, most relationships do NOT end up in marriage. Keep up with your changes, and at some point, she will get curious when she hears how well you are doing.
You might have other opportunities to just bump into her. You really do have to avoid anything that looks to her like pursuit.
Yeah, I made the mistake of opening up to her mom last night and she said “I'm a realist and don't want you to lose sight of that" and also asked if I thought about that divorce might be the only answer. She listened for the most part without being judgmental on face or giving too many suggestions. I asked her to just keep it between us and she said she would. She said that my W doesn’t speak to her or her dad about any of this. I decided in bed though that I will not talk to my in-laws about the relationship because it isn't helping. I will keep in contact and just portray that I am doing better.
I was going to stay out working through Christmas like I did for Thanksgiving. Holidays are tough with this and with truck driving it is an easy excuse to not be around without hurting people’s feelings. I might see about getting back into town for Christmas and see if I can visit with my in-laws and just be upbeat about stuff. That’s the only time I can think of that I might get a chance to bump into my W. I realized that me pushing to stay in the house with or without her probably is pursuing because I secretly hope that she will agree to stay with me and I bet I telegraph that without realizing it.
When I do have contact with my W I am making sure I thank her constantly for anything she does that is in my favor. I do it by just saying “thank-you”, “thank-you very much”, or “I really appreciate it”. I do not say “I love you” or get mushy, I just really try to show my gratitude as you would if a friend or stranger were doing something nice for you. With that said, can I ever slip in compliments about her? Or would telling her she is nice, kind, wonderful, “the best” just come off as pursuing?
When I do have contact with my W I am making sure I thank her constantly for anything she does that is in my favor. I do it by just saying “thank-you”, “thank-you very much”, or “I really appreciate it”. I do not say “I love you” or get mushy, I just really try to show my gratitude as you would if a friend or stranger were doing something nice for you. With that said, can I ever slip in compliments about her? Or would telling her she is nice, kind, wonderful, “the best” just come off as pursuing?
I would not compliment her directly - the one time I did that to H after he moved out his body language changed to very uncomfortable. On the other hand, if I find a casual way to bring up something I appreciated that he did in the past, he seems to listen without getting aloof.
Thanks, I almost told her she was wonderful when she said I could visit the pets but decided not to because I thought it might sound too pursuing. When you mention a casual way of appreciating something in the past can you give me an example? Just trying to avoid mistakes as much as possible. Thanks.
Always, my H and I have kids, so we have to interact more often than a lot of people. He noticed that I had put up Christmas lights last weekend, and I told him it was a lot harder than I had thought, and I hadn't realized how much effort he had put into doing that in years past. I apologized for not having helped more and just said I appreciated that he had done that work to make me happy. Then I changed the subject.
If you are contacting her periodicially to say thank you for something, you could try to very briefly tie whatever she did back to something in the past and briefly appreciate that. No superlatives, just a really simple message of "thanks, I did notice this before and it did mean something to me at the time."
CajunRose, thank-you so much for this because it is really helping me plan interactions for the future. I know it must be tough with kids because I know how tough it is with pets. I will remember to try and tie in a thank-you for something in the past when I am thanking her for something in the present. I am thinking I could try this now but don’t want to jump the gun. She is packing up the house and while some things were cleaner simply because of cleaning things out there were spots on the floors because she is tired of cleaning up after our kids (what we’ve always called our pets) and I cleaned the spots and wiped down the toilet and sink – easier done than said.
If I sent her a text that said, “It was nice seeing the kids yesterday and I really appreciate the time I got to spend with them, you’ve always taken such good care of them. Also, I realize just how much you do to take care of the house and how hard it is. I am really sorry that I haven’t helped out more and it was very nice that you did that to help make me happier” would it be ok or does it sound too needy or is it too soon?
Wow, family is the worst to talk to about this stuff. I now fully understand why you shouldn’t get them involved because of the biased shoulder issue. My mother has the best of intentions and decides to tell me all the hurtful things my W already has and that I need to just accept it because my W has moved on and I shouldn’t keep myself in limbo. It’s like telling a war vet or POW “just get on with your life and forget everything that happened to you.”
