Starting on a different path

[Mystik]

Nothing much exciting going on here. Still struggling with radical acceptance, and with separating acceptance and letting go from approval and losing hope. Doing one does not mean I am also doing the other. My logical mind is on that page, just need to get my emotional mind on that page. I think it's on the wrong book right now.

Still no closer to a decision about whether or not to file. My therapist said to focus on me right now and family court stuff, and not worry about filing. Still waiting for the papers to arrive from family court. Starting to get nervous that we won't get a court date until January and Whore will be picking up DS by the time we get to court.

Therapy is going well, learning a lot of coping techniques to help me with day to day stuff. I'm still working on starting to build self-esteem and being more "me, me, me", it's not easy to reverse a lifetime of bad behavior. In some ways I feel that I don't need the therapy, I've been in a stable mood for three weeks now, but I also know that I still have a long ways to go. This stable mood could change at any time, there are so many things that could trigger it. Just in a weird place right now.

Dreamt about H last night, he was driving me to pick up DS and was having car problems. Currently my car is having problems that I'm stressed about, so I know that's why that was in my dream. I have now realized that a big contributor, if not the main contributor, to our marriage breaking down was my depression. Neither H nor I understood it or knew how to handle it so we just limped along until we fell apart. I feel that if I could explain my depression to him, tell him that I'm doing better, that I can be a better wife that he should give us a second chance. Or even just explain to him what I'm going through, have gone through, how the depression affected my behavior and thoughts that he wouldn't be so harsh in his words and actions. But I know that it won't work. He is in the alien zone right now, nothing I say to him will make a difference.

Still praying for strength and guidance. Can't get through this situation without His help.