Help save my WAW

[NotReadyToQuit]

PLEASE HELP! I just got an email from my W about health insurance for 2011. We use the insurance through her work b/c rates are better. Anyways, she said I should start looking for insurance on my own for next year. I could stay on hers for a little while if I couldn't find something right now but I needed to start looking. She said we could talk about it later tonight.

My heart just dropped out of my chest. I thought things were going well, but I guess I was mistaken. She is still gung ho on D. So with the impending "talk" tonight, what do I say? Anything? Do I imply that I'm not done trying, or do I just say "ok" I'll start looking and leave it at that?

Today is not a good day. Please advise.

[bluestar]

I think Sandi's right. This is very typical "rebellion" for a person with a chronic disease. (I have two children with Type 1 diabetes) She really does need a different counselor who is specially trained in dealing with this issue and whoever she's been seeing is NOT. "Cancer really changes a person" Duh! What she needs is someone who can ground her again. Let her know that even though the life she thought she was going to have will be different, it can still be great. It's a grieving process and she's never dealt with it.

See if you can find someone and then go talk to him/her yourself. They can help you figure out how to get your W on board.

[sandi2]

I know the DB book is for me, not my W, but all of this info is EXACTLY what I want her to know and think about.

You are still thinking about a "logical" woman. She is not using logical thought patterns. Believe me when I say that you do not need to give her any material about M, especially the DB/DR book. That would be like showing the opposing team you game plan. These are tools for you to use.

You cannot fix her. You cannot say enough words, or search long enough for the right material to give her. I'm sorry this is so painful for you. I am one of the biggest "fixers" you'll ever meet. I use to think my kid sister could just "listen" to me and save herself a lot of heartache. Did she? Of course not! Did I learn my lesson? Of course not! I went through it with three more kids before I finally saw that they could not be "fixed" by me. It's hard, very hard...when you are turned the way I am and have to keep your mouth closed and let them be free to learn on their own. And,that's the thing....if I had been able to fix them like "I" wanted them fixed......then they would have been puppets instead of humans with free will.

Not only am I a fixer,but up until a few years ago I was a pleaser. I tried to live the way I thought others wanted. I tried to live up to everyone's expectations of me. I would have bet against the life of my children that I would never look at another man! Somewhere, something broke and I got very messed up.

Sorry, I don't why I got off into all of that. I just wanted you to know that a MR can be saved. She can find herself again. But, it may not be like you think she should. It may be after you are able to pull back and stop holding those reigns so tight. Trust me, she can sense your desparation and she won't like it.

[sandi2]

Do I imply that I'm not done trying, or do I just say "ok" I'll start looking and leave it at that?

Do not imply that you're not done b/c that will cause her to try to prove you wrong.

If she is face to face talking about this, then I would suggest that you simply say, "Okay" and say not one word more about it. If you say anymore than that, she'll be loaded for bear. I don't know how long it will be before the talk, so you may not get this in time. I believe the answer is keeping calm and taking a very light attitude. Why? B/c she isn't expecting that. She's expecting anything but that. After saying "okay", then you could immediately change the subject. May not fly, but so what? Just don't crumble under pressure. Big 180 coming up!

[StillLearning]

Anger was the catalyst that has brought my marriage to the brink. Typically it is more of a male problem but I think having such a disease has an impact and it can happen to women. I would recommend the book “Anger Busting: 101” by Newton Hightower because it is solution oriented like DB and also has a section on how to soften a partner with anger problems. My wife feels that I was always angry at her and that nothing was ever good enough, no matter how hard she tried. She felt I blamed her for everything and the unfortunate part is that I did but not because I wanted to or intended to, she was the easiest target because she was always there. I was mad at the world and myself and took it out on others. Even if you don’t think your W will read the book it might help you understand that anger better.

[NotReadyToQuit]

Thanks for the suggestion Always, I'll definitely check it out.

So far tonight she hasn't brought up the insurance issue yet, but there is a slight tension in the air that hasn't been there for a while. I just don't know anymore.

I know I can't change her feelings or her mind, but I just want her to THINK! I want someone, anyone, to give HER a wake-up call that this is not the answer!! It's not going to take away her anger or her pain. In fact, it's probably going to make it worse. She won't acknowledge that, though. If we do separate and she realizes she made a mistake, I don't have faith that she will tell me that or try to work on our R again. I know that's not fair to say, and I shouldn't think like that, but there it is. I can't help it.

I don't mean to be so negative, today has just not been a good day. I really appreciate all your input and support. It definitely helps.

[habitacker]

I am the last person who should give any advice but your last post is exactly how I feel. I have been fighting it for 3 months now. I have found the answers,the books,the videos,all kinds of information and when I see my marriage problems and the solutions to those problems, I get excited because I can fix everything. The first thing I want to do is run to my wife and show her. It would be easy to fix if she would just try.
Now, here is my point. My wife never actually said the word divorce, but i knew it was there. For 2 months I did everything I thought was right. Things felt good. I thought everything would be alright. I decided to write her a letter about everything I have learned about myself and also gave her some info. Info about WAW,why you should not divorce, communication problems,etc. Well, guess what? All I heard was I WANT A DIVORCE. Remember, I had never actually heard those exact words. Now that she said them It might actually make divorce easier for her. For 3 weeks now those words, are words I did not want to hear. The only reason she said them to me was because I did what you want to do. I wasted 2 months of 180 because I couldn't shut up.
We both just need to store this info for the future, and hope that some day our wifes will let us use it. I know its hard. I almost fail everyday. Everytime I fell to temptation of trying something with her, my heart got broke,and things got worse.
"PATIENCE" This is something I have never had in any aspect of my life. UNTIL NOW!
You mentioned religion? Yep, I have ran to that also. I do not know if you want me to get in to that much,but it is helping. When you are in the situation we are in, the bible comes across like a self-help book. I have actually felt better with things like inspirational videos. Joyce Meyer is really good. I try to read the bible,but I have to think to much, and I am so tired of thinking. Trust me, I am not pushing religion. I actually just went there myself.
This is my first time other than on my own post. So if any experts out there think my opinions are wrong, please speak up. Just wanted to point out the things I did and my wifes reaction.

[sandi2]

Habit, your feelings & opinions are pretty normal, IMHO. And, I think that the broken heart & feelings of desparation causes us to seek spiritual help from a "higher power". In my life that power is God. All the advise you hear or the M books you read cannot compare to what He can do when a person will let go and put the problem/loved one in His capable hands. Sounds good, but for most of us it's a hard thing to let go of our control (as if we ever had any). That's what it boils down to....we are afraid He won't do what "we" think needs to be done, so we try to maintain that control.

I love Joyce Myer, and my church doesn't "believe" in female preachers (lol). I don't care, b/c if I can gain inspiration from her....then I'm going to do it!

Nothing brings us to our knees like troubles. Sometimes that's all God is waiting on......to see us on our knees and seeking a R with Him. But....I do know this much Habit.....God is not Santa Claus and He's not going to be "used" as such. He doesn't grant us three wishes and send us on our way. What I've learned is that He wants us to put Him first in our life, trusting Him to take care of our problems in His way and His time......not ours. Man, that is tough for me! But, when we do that, then it frees us to live in peace and we've given those issues (like a M in trouble) to Him to work out. Sounds simple enough, huh? Well, if you come to that place where you do put it in His hands (and don't pick it back up), please don't be shy about sharing that on the board.

Hope your day will be better to day than yesterday.

((hugs))

[NotReadyToQuit]

Thank you Habit, for telling me your sitch. It's EXACTLY how I've been feeling and EXACTLY what I want to do. I'm sorry it didn't go the way you wanted it to. It's just so hard to sit back, do nothing, and act like everything is peachy when you're dying inside.

I'm going to go back to church this weekend and try to regain/work on my faith. Thank you both for the suggestions and talking me off the ledge. I wasn't in a very good place yesterday. Hopefully today is better.

[NotReadyToQuit]

So I'm starting to worry that I might not be doing the right thing or acting the right way. Things have been fine between us at home, we get along great...just like friendly roommates, buddies. She even asked me what I was doing Friday night and met me at our friends house. The thing is, one of her complaints with our R was that we'd become more like buddies, good roommates. Is our joking around reinforcing that thought? Should I be even more distant and spend more time away from the house?

I don't follow her around or necessarily wait for her to do things, but we still have dinner together sometimes and still hang out and watch tv together. Should I stop these things. It's hard because I still just want to be around her all the time, and now that she's happier I want to even more.

Any thoughts?