I don't understand why she feels she has to sleep on the couch. Anyone here have a similar experience?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Honestly, it could be a lot of things. Could be doing it because she needs space; she could be doing it for a reaction; she could be doing it because she's crazy. No one knows and SHE might not even know.
It's important that you just accept it and detach from the WHY. Trust me, you don't want to know what's going through her head right now. Just validate her and leave her be.
Focus more on you and let her wonder what YOU are up to. Make her "Curious" as to why YOUR doing things differently.
Might not be the answer you want, but I hope you understand.
Hey, Pickle, just catching up. Lost you for a bit.
Faith is right about validating and detaching. Its survival 101 on these boards. It is also a lot harder than it sounds.
Detaching is tough. While you can fake it, it just takes time to really detach. Meditation, prayer, repeating 'let go' over and over... these can help. I really like thought blocking and listening to peaceful music. Running and yoga work good for me too. Focusing on my D3 is really the best though.
Validating is tough to, but remember, it is NOT the same as agreeing with them. A good line I see on here a lot is “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Please say it gently, sarcasm doesn’t work here.
Just wondering about your W’s plan to live together after a divorce…
Since her job requires she be a model of morality, how would living with a man not her husband and dating other men work with that?
The crazy these folks spew never ceases to amaze me…
Well last night before bed I came right out and asked, "I don't understand why you feel you have to sleep out here on the couch".
Her response, "Because you hate me."
I said, "I understand how you feel that way, but it's the furthest thing from the truth. I really wish you'd come back to the bed, but do what you have to."
Then I went to bed. She remained up to finish grading some papers.
Now I think I understand the forlorn look when retrieving her pillow from the bedroom before retiring to the couch the other night.
This morning, I made her coffee, and she seemed more "relaxed" in my presence. On the way out the to car she touched my arm and I squeezed her hand, with no perceptible negative vibe. (not sure though)
I guess she thinks "I hate her" because of the anger I have shown.
With her guilt, she probably thinks, because I was so angry that she wants to dismantle the family and ruin all our lives, I must hate her. She cannot see, that I am still in love, and that I suppose will take much time.
The only thing I hate is this year from hell.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Yesterday evening one of us was supposed to attend a cyber security seminar at S11's school 7:00 PM. Now since S11 has boy scouts at 7:30 PM, which I usually take him to, W was originally planning to attend the seminar (mandatory if your kid is going to carry a cell phone to school).
Anyway W is bogged down with papers to grade plus she's helping S11 finish a science project due Friday, hinted she doesn't have time to do seminar. So I volunteered. I said I'll go, you drop S11 off at scouts and I'll pick him up later.
No sooner am I out the door when W comes out and "confronts" me saying "You are only going so everyone will see how involved you are w/kids and I am not." Huh ???. I tried to reassure her, "I am only going to relieve you of the burden."
She mentioned something I said which I cannot for the life of me remember ever saying about her not being involved with the kids. I don't know where that came from (maybe an angry outburst).
Anyway, last nite before I asked her about the couch, I reiterated that I really didn't want to go to seminar and was doing it for her. I think/hope she believed me.
God I hate this!
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Yes, we all hate it. All you can do is clamly state your reasons and hand the choice back to her again. Her choice: you go to the seminar or she goes herself. Either way is fine. Sounds like you did that and handled her attack prety well.
In their mind EVERYTHING you do is an attack. Even being nice and acomidating. All you can do is your best and detach from her as much as you can.
For now, your role in her fantasy play is that of evil villan. She needs that to justify her behavior. Try your best to stay off the stage.
Hey, Pickle, just catching up. Just wondering about your W’s plan to live together after a divorce…
Since her job requires she be a model of morality, how would living with a man not her husband and dating other men work with that?
I guess she figures we wont tell anyons about the D? (especially the kids) She'll just secretly have claim to half our property plus alimony. I know - it sounds crazy.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
In their mind EVERYTHING you do is an attack. Even being nice and acomidating. All you can do is your best and detach from her as much as you can.
For now, your role in her fantasy play is that of evil villan. She needs that to justify her behavior. Try your best to stay off the stage.
They say you can't "guilt" her into coming back or coming to her senses. I find that difficult to fathom, but I guess that's where she is.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
They say you can't "guilt" her into coming back or coming to her senses. I find that difficult to fathom, but I guess that's where she is.
Nope, guilt is not only ineffective, but usually sends them running even faster. In their mind, you are the source of all those bad guilt feelings, not their own actions.
In their mind EVERYTHING you do is an attack. Even being nice and acomidating. All you can do is your best and detach from her as much as you can.
For now, your role in her fantasy play is that of evil villan. She needs that to justify her behavior. Try your best to stay off the stage.
This is the part I don't get. My H is doing the same thing - assuming that everything wrong in his life is my fault. I had no idea I was such an evil mastermind! So how to stay off the stage? Just validate and end the conversation?
