2 years later it's still not getting easier

[Nvrgivup]

Sorry WP was out of town for a week there. I totally get how you are feeling. Not seeing my kids is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, and especially for this reason. And as we've both said "expectations" make it even harder. I'm not totally sure what to tell you, but the idea of backing off and becoming a little more independent from her seems like it may be the right idea? I mean if you look at it from a DBing sense, you could call it a 180, or going dark, or even an LRT? I started to realize (and believe me I didn't want to) that it was my effort in trying to keep my family together that actually drove it further apart. I see it this way now, by putting in all this effort, and trying to be somewhat benevolent, I was just empowering her to continue her behavior. She could get away with anything because she knew I was there to pick up the pieces. My kids have and are struggling in school, and very obviously because of the divorce. My kids are older so the problems are a little different than yours, and probably more serious at this point. My oldest (17) dropped out last year, my 15 yr old does well on his week with me, but skips classes (or whole weeks) when he as at XW house on her week. I've tried talking to her, forming a co-parenting plan, but she is in her own world where SHE is her only priority, and after repeated failure to get on the same page, I finally just went to the schools, met with teachers and formulated a plan where my sons HW assignments etc, were rescheduled to work on my weeks, in other words we kinda cut her out of the picture.. The kicker is that she hasnt even noticed!
You and I know the divorce is wreaking havoc with our families, we both know and try our best to "hold it together" and our XW's haven't got a frickin clue and aren't going to to until some of the crap they've stepped in starts to stink a little? Right now they don't WANT to notice. I don't know if this is going to work for me yet, I don't know if it is the right advice for you. All I know is that what I've tried so far hasn't and isn't working, and it is my kids that suffer most for it. I needed to find a way to do what was best for them, without her help or even her input. And though its only been a short time, I am seeing some benefit already. And to be honest it has freed me a little too, I worry less about what she thinks, or how I can get her involved? And without that I am finding that I am feeling better. Time for myself has become important to me, not worrying that my 15 yr old is skipping all week with her, because I have a plan to help him when he's with me. I AM feeling empowered myself now, it is making a difference!