Focus as much as you can on D and anything other than H. I really believe that giving him space and as little attention as possible for ALL of you!
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
what Irish said...leave him alone and focus ONLY on D....
I think you are both right. I am walking a thin line by opening up more opportunities for H to be around me and D. I really don’t want to shut him out of our holiday celebrations, but I am not sure I am ready to see more of him. I see definite benefits for D to having him there, and right now the only contact I want with him is if it benefits and involves D.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Your h is pretty much in such a patterned script, and it's just not a healthy one. So, detach as much as possible from him. He's not in a good place and he's trying so hard to drag you back into his vortex whenever he has doubts, which will be OFTEN. Don't go there. Just be a working mom for now. Really, isn't that enough for now?
I do see him trying to pull me back. Right now my focus is on D when I see or call him. I don’t know how he feels about that, but that is just how it is right now. I can’t and won’t ‘give’ him more of myself right now.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
You are NOT responsible for his feelings/actions or thoughts. (Say it out loud to yourself a dozen times before you see him. Seriously.)
I repeated this to myself the whole drive to the restaurant last night. I’ll be saying it all morning on Sunday too.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
YOU, & ONLY YOU, ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS & YOUR LIFE. TAKE CHARGE OF IT...and show your girl that she's in charge of hers.
Don't let her grow up believing that someone else can determine whether she'll have a good day, or that someone else's mood or failures will determine HERS...b/c they should not. How do you do this? You do this by modeling it for her.
This here^^^ is what I am REALLY struggling with. How to be a good role model for my D… How to set boundaries that protect her…
Right now the biggest problem I have is my D’s exposure to OW. I am not ok with this, and I fear D is around her more and more. That may not be true; it may only be that I am now hearing about past and present contacts. She may have been exposed this much before and I was unaware of it then (or unwilling to see it).
Now that I have some idea of what has been going on, I can see it in her behavior. At least that is what I think I see. I could be projecting things onto her that I am feeling myself.
Part of this seems related to my new boundary. If I am not responsible for his feelings/actions/thoughts, then worrying about what he will do if I tell him I don’t want D around anyone he is interested in – that is just more mind-reading and trying to anticipate his actions.
If I am truly letting go and being responsible for my own actions, I think I need to say something. As far as if or when H may someday want to come home, that has fallen to the bottom of my list of priorities.
Now I just have to figure out what to say…
I have a lot to work through on this. I plan on talking about it at my IC appt today too.
