Albuquerque living part 2: Road to recovery?

[Albuquerque]

Journaling,

In my last post, I mentioned that I didn't know whether H was still going to the IC or not. Turns out on Sunday, he mentioned he had an IC appt on Monday. So my question was answered without having to ask. Anyhow, following his appt on Monday he called me afterwards and was chatting. As luck would have it, the call dropped. I tried calling back but didn't get him. Next thing I know, he's at the house. He said he was driving by and rather than try to call back, he thought he'd stop by. There was no real purpose to his visit other than visiting, but it was nice and D enjoyed it.

The visit was shortlived though because D and I had to go to her martial arts class. As D was getting ready, H hugged me and asked me what I thought about him moving back in and using his current apartment as a home office (he works from home). Basically he would "go to work" at his apartment since he has the lease there till March. But then when he comes home, he's home. That was one of the biggest problems we had in our R was that he was always working. I told him I thought that seemed like a reasonable idea. We didn't get the chance to talk much further because D and I had to go.

Afterwards, we met back up for our usual sushi dinner. Dinner went well and H mentioned to me (quietly) that he had packed a bag to stay the night at the house. After dinner, D didn't really understand why H came back home with us but she seemed pleased to have H around. I wondered if H was going to tell D the plan but he didn't. I don't think he's ready for that yet and that's fine.
Anyhow, after we said goodnight to D, we went to bed. It was weird seeing your H bring his small suitcase into your bedroom in order to spend the night. But it was nice to have him. We both drifted off to sleep but I awoke a bit afterwards and was feeling a bit claustrophobic. My H has always been a snuggler and has always chosen to move to my side of the bed to do that. So I end up often having very little sleeping room. Having NOT had to do that in almost a year, I was not prepared and actually had to get up out of bed to kind of calm down. I like snuggling and realized the insanity of my problem, and just walked around a bit before going back to bed. I'm going to have to work on the sleeping arrangments a bit to make sure I don't end up feeling that way again.

Anyhow, I went back to sleep and awoke about 430 am, only to find that H was not in bed. I got up and looked outside and saw that his car was gone. His bag was still in the bedroom though. I was a bit sad but I wasn't upset. I figured he had a sleeping issue or other reason to leave and went back to bed. Almost as soon as I got back to bed, I heard the email beep on my phone. I checked it and it was H. He apologized for bailing and said that he had trouble sleeping and then got up and read. While reading, he started getting an anxieity attack and hadn't brought any of his medication with him. So he opted to go home. He ended by saying he was sorry for flaking out and that he's really trying and will continue to try.

I didn't respond till the next morning and told him "no worries". I was glad he did what he needed to do. I also thanked him for trying. And it WAS obvious that he was trying. Prior to going to bed that night, I could see he was filled with anxiety. He even mentioned that he was considering bailing that evening and just going home. I told him to do what he needed to do and he opted to stay. But clearly, the anxiety got to him.

So progress, but again, very very slow. And that's OK. I think rushing anything would be catastrophic and definitely not warranted. I don't think there will be a "move in" date. I think he'll keep coming over some nights and eventually he'll be spending more time here than at his apartment. It's clear he still has a lot of anxiety about the whole thing but in a way, I think that's good. I read a book recently called Passionate Marriage. I thought it was fantastic. In it, the author describes anxiety as the difficult path we need to cross in order to reach a new level of growth. I know my H is struggling a lot with anxiety, but despite it, he continues to move forward and for that, I greatly respect his progress.

This weekend should be fun. H and I will be D free for 24 hours since she's spending the night with a friend. We will be seeing a concert in a nearby town. And on the weekend, we will be getting D scuba certified. H is a dive master and his good friend is coming in from out of town and is a dive instructor. I will also be diving so that I can remember everything. It's been years since I've been scuba diving. So it proves to be a very busy and interesting weekend.