I think its over help pls

[TimeHeals]

My experience is that spouses who have affairs say this kind of thing all of the time.

Feels we could never get over it ( the A) it will always be there...she says.

The more important thing is that she doesn't feel attracted to you at this time. So...?

Quite honestly, if she wanted you, she would be trying to prove she can get past the affair. She's putting that burden on you right now, and I don't think you can talk her out of this 'feeling' (feelings are really things like sadness, remorse, guilt, anger, happiness, and so on).

I'm not going to try to mind read her here, but she isn't saying things clearly, and that's not what people do when they really want to try to save their marriages, so back off and let her choose you.

[blue2010]

Its because I never stepped out. It's because I believe in my vows and for my kids and what I feel in my heart when I see her. I still feel love. Yup it is messed up. If this continues on I will burn out. But a couple for for years and friends for more than 20 I find hard to just let go. She is just stuck at there being no way to fix it giving nothing a chance. If I give it my best and still it does not work at least I will not have failed myself and tried my best for my children. This M to me was for the duration and that included the rockiest of times.

[blue2010]

This mornings calm conversation reveals that she says she is numb as far as her feelings go. She still feels the need to move to her own place. I reminded her how much I love her how much she means to me and the family as a whole. She did not get upset. I said I could get over and through this and forgive her. Her response was that she is not sure if she could. She still has not directly asked for the seperation or D. I essentially said if u need your time and space I can't change that. I said things don't have to be final yet she really did not respond. That's the nutshell. We, well she went on about some marriage things that upset her. I actively listened, did not argue. Most of them I cannot change because it is what our life evolved into a change in roles due to employment changes. But she always said it did not bother her, turns out it does. I am not exagerating here so on face value and her not getting mad how is all that. It is paraphrased. My one mistake before that conversation was mentioning I wanted to go out tonight asking if she still had something. She did and asked where I wanted to go I said nevermind she perceived that as me keeping secrets. Made her not happy. I explained she angrily explained all the details of how and why it made her mad.

I suppose if it doesn't kill me it will makee me stronger.

[blue2010]

My experience is that spouses who have affairs say this kind of thing all of the time.

Feels we could never get over it ( the A) it will always be there...she says.

The more important thing is that she doesn't feel attracted to you at this time. So...?

Quite honestly, if she wanted you, she would be trying to prove she can get past the affair. She's putting that burden on you right now, and I don't think you can talk her out of this 'feeling' (feelings are really things like sadness, remorse, guilt, anger, happiness, and so on).

I'm not going to try to mind read her here, but she isn't saying things clearly, and that's not what people do when they really want to try to save their marriages, so back off and let her choose you.

I have been backed off this mornings type conversation have been few and far between. She asked for space I gave. It seemed to make it worse I think it gave her time to focus on the A. She drifted away during her space time. But now only time will tell I have sought the help I need. I will do GAL and take care of me and my kids while she figures out her. What else can I do?

[TimeHeals]

What else can I do?

Enjoy your life. Put your focus on enjoying your life on your own (don't depend on her to have a good time) and on being a great father.

Make a list of 10 things that you are grateful for, and so this every single day for at least a month. Plan weekend outtings with your kids. Let her miss out on you being great

[blue2010]

MC this morning not even sure what to or where to starr with talking?? Anyone?

[blue2010]

Well MC reveals the confirmation to 100% that she wants to move out. Unless it's the fog. She has seen the WAW video and threw that in my face.
Some marriage issues were discussed the A issuse was not really discussed. She ended up saying she never said the A was my fault. She has created the situation.
She still is very angry saying she trusts no one and is tired of broken promises, (I haven't broken promises to her) and things not being done that people said they would do she reffered to the past me not getting things done around the house and others not doing things.
She said she just wants her own place. While angry she said I can have everything she doesn't want anything. I said I still did not know what she wanted I was referring to long term. MC asked if it was D time. i said it was not what I wanted when she asked my W she did not respond head down and so on. What does that mean? Anything?
But she wants to move on a property of her own so we need to do a seperation agreement. Her purchase would keep her in the house for a couple more months. I'm not sure how to handle this. Continue trying to save or just div. But I don't want div. I also can't see how doing anything suggested helps. She did recognize where I have improved.

She saw her IC and her demeanor was very different on the phone when she called. We are about 8 weeks since D Day about 12 days since OM told her off again and 5 since he sent a NC text. So is it like being back at starting point? As far as I can tell there has been no contact unless she has been completly covert. She has been home more and home on time from work. Does anyone believe marital seperations work?

I am running parallel plans focusing on me and the kids seeing what she does. Any advice is again welcome.
I still do not want a D i must be crazy.

[Bworl]

First off, I think THIS

She still is very angry saying she trusts no one and is tired of broken promises, (I haven't broken promises to her) and things not being done that people said they would do she reffered to the past me not getting things done around the house and others not doing things.

is fairly typical I think for a person who is lost and confused, angry (but not quite sure why), and seeking to fill a sense of emptiness they feel inside.


Understand that you've contributed to the fracture in the relationship, but these issues are hers and hers alone. No matter what YOU do, for you, for the home, for her (which is best avoided), YOU will not help her in what she's looking for. And it's not nearly as personal as it feels like it is. Accept that and stop allowing these comments to become truth.


Secondly, THIS

She said she just wants her own place. While angry she said I can have everything she doesn't want anything.

brings me a huge feeling of deja vu. My ex said almost the same thing, nearly word for word. The fact that she is focused more on getting away than what she takes with her is a clear sign in my opinion that she is deeply confused and almost desperate for a change that might bring peace.


If that's the case, she's going to go eventually, and you really need to let her.


Protect yourself, but do it kindly and with honor. Don't burn bridges with her because of your pain. You still do not know what the future will hold. Some recover, and others wander seemingly forever. There ARE success stories where marriages are eventually reconciled and there is no reason to interepret anything you have shared as indicating that you have no chance.


Stand tall and be her rock, even while she walks away. As lost as she is, she will remember whether you were someone she could count on or not.


Blessings,

Bill

[blue2010]

Thanks Bill, that has been an undertone since this bomb dropped. As painful as it is i have been there for her as a friend long before we were a couple and as much as I hate this situation I still love her and I am occaisionally reminding her, but avoiding the manner of pursuing.
I can see her turmoil and it is in her behavior. She will not answer the question of If she wants a Divorce. I have given her the go ahead to do what she needs to do to get her place. She threw that back at me today by saying I have done nothing with bank accounts equally she had not discusssed it and she was suppossed to have prepared a seperation agreement for today she had 3-4 weeks to do so. To me her inaction speaks louder than words.
Perhaps or not the more she is in the house with the kids being Mom which she distanced herself from as well some sense will come to her might I add.....or not....

So I have told her many times I want her to be happy I wish it were with the family at home but i cannot stop you or change the way you feel so you go do what you need to do and you know where I am If you need any thing.

I think that says you are free to go but we want you here and I am still here for you, that IS my meaning behind it.

I maybe wrong but I can only imagine that she has the thought of why on earth is he staying here for me after what I did. EA/PA not with a stranger. I imagine alot of the behavior is guilt and so on.

This is getting to long. Thoughts from anyone on continuing a DB technique or anything would be great.

Thanks

[blue2010]

Should I directly ask my W if she wants to work on saving this M?

I just found a pro marriage counsellor close by, maybee she would go our current one is acting more as a mediator?