Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[TimeHeals]

I understand that, and I'm doing my best to let her be. I've been trying to hold onto hope that she is just angry and that she'll eventually come around. Part of it is because I do still love her, and I want to be with her. I don't want my M to end or our family to be broken apart.

I must not be communicating effectively because we're revisiting this. Let me try again:

First of all, Hope is not a Plan.

I know you still love her, that you don't want the marriage to end, and so on.

Your wife, no doubt, knows that too.

She has told you how she feels right now, but you don't seem to understand it and would rather explain it away as 'anger'.

She feels how she feels, and how she feels is driving part of her decission making process. Trying to recast how she feels as 'anger' sounds a whole lot like not getting what she is telling you about how she feels, and if you keep doing that, I'm willing to bet you are invalidating how she feels with your actions, any discussions that involve R talk, and all of that.


Last night she mentioned to me that the previous night while sleeping I was calling out her name in my sleep. She seemed angry about it?!?! I don't have any memory of doing it, but she said it woke her up.

Also last night she made something different for dinner. It was good, and I really enjoyed it. My W isn't normally a great cook, so I told her that it was good. She makes sure to say "well I didn't do it for you, I only did it for the kids".

Why the attitude?

My guess? You won't stop pursuing her. She feels pressured.

Look, your wife knows the affair was wrong. She knows when she is treating you badly too.

Do you think chasing after somebody who is busy pulling away from you is attractive?

I'm not quiting no matter what.

You will if she makes it painful enough and files for divorce, I bet.

Your goal is to save your marriage, and that's admirable, but you aren't going to do that by presuing her and pressuring her.

Do be calm, confident, and strong.

If she says something intentionally nasty, it's OK to say, "There's no need to be nasty" or even walk away.

But... I would take my whole focus off of her if I were you. Go do things with your kids, and I don't understand why you didn't have her leave the marital bedroom while she was having the affair. It's as if there are no consequences for bad behavior, and she and I both know that isn't how things really work (it may be supressed by you right now because you are so busy trying to 'win' her back).

My advice stands: pull back, GAL, take care of yourself and your kids and KNOW that you don't deserve this. You don't really want THIS marriage; you want a good marriage and a happy family, and you aren't even close to being there right now, so work on making yourself happy and taking care of your kids for the most part.