Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

We had more emails on this issue of contact and he has made it clear that he misses the contact with me, that he thinks of me "fairly often", and that he wants to have more regular contact until or unless it makes the OW jealous, at which point I guess he is suggesting he wouldn't. He said that HE gets jealous when people mention her ex to him or when her ex comes up in conversation, and that he also does not want to hear anything about any future relationship that I have with any man. He said that SHE doesn't want to even know what kind of contact he has with me or know about it, just that she "accepts" and "understands" that he doesn't want to be totally cut off. He says she is "more empathetic over what they did to me than I'll ever know." (that one I do not believe AT ALL but he insists it's true).

So here are the things that concern me:

1. Months ago he said contact with me was turning me into the OW so he didn't want it. Now, it's not?

2. Is this cake-eating or is it me accepting that I can't have him as a husband so at least I can have him as a distant friend?

3. How do I handle this situation?

I'm trying very hard to just do what feels "right" but I don't know what's right anymore. I haven't been upset by him in any interactions because he has agreed to not talk about her with me at all--in fact, he says that even though he feels it disrespects her, that OUT OF RESPECT FOR ME he will only refer to her as "her" or "she" in the rare instance that he "has" to mention her. Otherwise, it's like "don't ask, don't tell."

And he doesn't want to hear about any future relationships I have with men. Well, he's not in love with me, so why should he care? And get this, he actually said this to me: "I hope you can promise me (and yourself) that if you get in a relationship with someone, you do it because of true affection and not because of revenge or compensation."

Can you believe that?

So he wants to have his love relationship with her; he doesn't really want me in a relationship with someone else, because he's telling me that he thinks I'm in a revenge mode now; and he wants to rekindle our lost FRIENDSHIP as long as he keeps the details from her, AND he agrees to hide his life with her FROM me to keep from hurting me.

My main concern is my own mental health and happiness--not his--but I'm having a devil of a time trying to figure out what role I play in this drama. Or do I reject his olive branch of friendship and say "see ya"?