It was not fair for her Son to be involved. But to be fair, she is in a situation where it can not be helped. It was either this or she goes back to having car sex with bar pickups on weekends while her Son stays with her Niece. How would that help him?
She is a very sexual person. I can not exagerate this enough. When she wants it, she gets it. Simple as that. But I do believe that she is capable of monogamy (which is a must for me) and that is a good thing for her, me and even for her Sons as I see it. And I see monogamy as beneficial to her entire family over what she was doing before I met her.
figgeroni,
"I wonder why you would want to be with someone who clearly wants something different than you do?"
That's a fair question. I do want a LTR as she does. The differences is that she wants a ring and to have her Son and her move in with me. I want everything she wants minus the ring and for her to keep a separate household to care for her Son.
In the end it is really up to her. I told her what I wanted in a relationship and that if she wanted more I would understand if she wanted to break it off and date another guy. This has always been the case. She is free to choose and free to go. She has chosen to stay for the time being. This relationship is beneficial to both of us even though we are not completely in sync with what we both want.
I feel I would swim through shark infested waters to save her life but not to bring her lemonade. Just saying.
But as long as she is with me I at least will care for her and show her love as well as be friendly towards her Son. That is the extent of my commitment unless I decide different later or she changes her own mind.
oldtimer,
I have no problem being in a relationship with a woman that has a child and understand that he will be part of that. But that does not mean that I will be his Father or Raise him. And I disagree with you on that point. Just because I am dating a single mother does NOT mean I am dating her Son. I have no problem being part of his life but I will not be his Dad. He has one. There is no set rule for this and she is free to end it at any time if I do not give her what she wants or needs.
And it is totally up to her if this is not enough for her for me to simply be friendly towards him. I have never come between her and her Son EVER. I even told her that her Sons are priority 1. I come second and I have no problem with that.
You have to also remember that he does have a Father. Although he is a deadbeat dad in the worst way he still is in contact with his Son even though he spends little to no time with him. He tends to use his Son as an excuse to contact my GF to argue with her. This has been a thorn in my side but I have learned to ignore it so this has not caused any major problems for me and her like he most likely wishes it did. But thats another story completely so I wont get into that. I am dealing with it appropriately.
My Mom dated a few men when my Dad died and not once did any of them "date" either me or my three brothers. And we were about the same age 10-16. She is married to him now and has never been happier. And we were all grown before she married. They dated for years, so I see no problem with my GF doing that with me. I fail to understand how this is a problem. The boy has a father. In our case our Dad was deceased but we still didnt see my Mothers BF as a father figure. Maybe we were dysfunctional in your eyes. I dont know.
Again, sorry for the long post. I guess I am starting to feel like I have to defend myself. Maybe that is a red flag for me. I will now seriously consider breaking it off with her for her Son's sake. He deserves a real Dad unlike the POS who doesnt even want to send him a birthday gift. It's sad. Again, I hate divorce!
I will take everything posed here into consideration. Thank you all.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
"She is a very sexual person. I can not exagerate this enough. When she wants it, she gets it. Simple as that. But I do believe that she is capable of monogamy (which is a must for me)"
Does she have a past history that makes you so sure of this? What's the longest she has ever been monogamous?
"In the end it is really up to her. I told her what I wanted in a relationship and that if she wanted more I would understand if she wanted to break it off and date another guy. This has always been the case."
I guess that what I and others have been trying to tell you, is that women are stupid in this regard. You may be SAYING that, but your ACTIONS give her reason to hope that you will change - become the spouse/husband/father she is looking for. THAT'S why we say it is unfair to her for you to keep dating her. You KNOW you don't want what she wants, but you think so long as you put it out there, it's okay for you to keep enjoying the sex. But it's really not fair because she's still hoping for something different.
" It was either this or she goes back to having car sex with bar pickups on weekends while her Son stays with her Niece. How would that help him?"
If the niece would watch him while she was hooking up with married men (speaking of which - why married men? I'm sure there were plenty of single guys available for hookups. This does nOT speak well of her.) why couldn't she watch the son while mom went out on a respectable date or two? I don't see how you breaking it off condemns her to meaningless sex with married men.
You are rescuing - generally a mistake - and rationalizing - also a mistake.
g450, it sounds like you are using this woman. I KNOW, you can tell someone "I told you I don't want to marry you and you are free to break up with me whenever you want" but the more she is with you, the more invested she will become, and the more pain it will cause when you break up. She wants something different....it is selfish. I don't mean to sound harsh, and I realize you aren't seeing it like that. But I really think that is the case here.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Having car sex with married men was her idea. She told me that married men were safe (whatever that means). She said she saw it as just sex. She wasnt interested in a relationship until she met me. Or at least that's what she told me.
She was married for about 11 years and was faithful according to her. Even two years past her X's affair she was not having sex. She said she simply went through a faze where she wanted it all the time and from anyone and in a way she is still there from what I can tell but she has sworn to not cheat on me while we are together. I believe her.
Anyway the point is moot now. I have decided to let her out of my life gently. I can live without sex and dont want to hurt anybody. Been hurt enough myself by my XWs betrayal and divorce so I do not wish that kind of pain on anyone.
Thanks for all your input. It's what I needed.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
g450: I think that is a good decision. I really don't believe that you respect this woman. I can't imagine anyone in her situation - car sex, married guys etc being respectable.
And I doubt you are ready for a R either. It seems to me that you both need to work on yourselves.
I know in time you will have a much different view of this period in your life than you do now. I know that I was very raw after my marriage ended and for a long while after. I was probably less choosy then than I would be now. Fortunately I didn't doing anything I regret or get in too deep but I can definitely see the neediness I had then - the feeling of wanting someone, anyone to love me again. And it is really easy to confuse sex with love and the feeling of being wanted with the real deal.
I am glad you have made the decision not to go forward with this woman. But why ease out slowly? It is better to get out fast in this situation before things get any deeper. Especially since the decision has been made. You're lying to yourself and her if you continue.
g450: I think that is a good decision. I really don't believe that you respect this woman. I can't imagine anyone in her situation - car sex, married guys etc being respectable.
I agree with Sun here. She seems to be all over the place and you are probably still dealing with your stuff, too.
Originally Posted By: SunFunOne
And it is really easy to confuse sex with love and the feeling of being wanted with the real deal.
Question for the board -- those of you who had sex after splitting w/ your spouses - what was sex like the first time? Was it lonely? Did it feel weird? Was it great?
