Hey cat, I almost put this on my thread, because I am struggling with a lot right now too. This is a second separation for me, so your post really resonated with me. I saw your post on getting answers though, and decided to put it here. Holidays are draining, so I think that is why maybe there are more views than posts right now.
Originally Posted By: cat4554
Is it a MLC? A Personality Disorder? Or is my H just Mean & NUTS?
I don’t know if the diagnosis matters, and to be honest, I don't have an answer. Here is my .02 anyway though...
I think that for someone to go through a full blown MLC there are long standing problems just below the surface. Maybe they have addictions, are passive aggressive, or have low self esteem… the list goes on and on.
Whatever their issues may be, it all comes down to the out-of-control spouse ends up having two parts to their personality. One part at least wants to be good, and one part just isn't good or healthy or loving at all. I think most, if not all LBS’s saw glimpses of that second part long before the bomb.
Anyway, our spouses spend the first part of their lives hiding that shadowy second part, but never really dealing with it. Just repressing it and faking it for everyone around them.
Then one day, they just can't do it anymore. They give up trying to be a good person and embrace the view that they are a victim and should get what has been denied to them for so long.
They don't care who gets hurt, all they can see is how much they gave when really they didn't want to.
So they take.
And take.
And take some more.
‘Cause after all, they gave so much before. They are entitled to this now, right?
Eventually, they may look around and realize that no matter how ‘good’ they were (or are), they really are not entitled to what they “took” from those around them.
Then again, they may not.
Ever.
We, as LBS cannot know if they will ever learn to be the person they want to be or not. We can’t do it for them. That is hard because we can see so clearly the hurt they cause everyone, including them. They have to dig deep and face things they don’t want to face. They have to do this alone.
I am coming to the realization too, that the MLC spouse wanting to come home or not is also a separate issue. Someone who isn’t done may want to return to the safety they once had with their spouse, but still not have dealt with the things that drove them away in the first place.
I am coming to believe that for a marriage to be healed, the MLC spouse not only has to decide they want to come home, but must have also dealt with what drove them away.
