Moving Forward

[gutwrenching]

Last night, she initiated two short mini R talks. Probably 5 minutes each, maybe 10 tops. I did my best to say little to not prolong them, cause I didn’t see much good coming.

It starts with her asking me if I knew how she can see a IC (with insurance paying for it)…that one shocked me...I really didn't think she would ever follow thru on getting an IC.

So I told her I had done some research for me to see someone and that I was looking at people that did both IC and MC with the thought that maybe at some point we would progress to MC. She listened to how that worked, but I think is leery about spending the $$. If we have the insurance pay for it, we won’t be choosing the best…we will have to take whomever they give us

She asked why did I need to see someone. So I told her. I told her I have to figure out what I want to do, cause I don't know, and I think I probably need help to recover, and the book I’ve been reading has given me hope but made me realize talking to a professional will probably help me. And, if we decide to split, that too will be tough and I think having someone to talk to will help.

W said that is admirable but I think this is all too much. Whenever I look at you, all I see is (I forget the words she used but it was basically betrayal). W said whenever I point out someone like I did today, I start wondering what are you thinking. I start assuming you are thinking boy I bet he wouldn’t think so highly of you if he knew what you did. W said things will never be the same now, if I had kept this to myself then only I would have had to deal with it, but now you know everything and it will always be there between us. I listened, validated, and then said but only I can decide how much I can deal with, not you. And yes those things happened and the only way to move forward would be to decide to work together and heal together. And right now, with C, I still think there is a chance that I might be able to deal with this.

Then W talked about her and what she needs from IC. W said she needs to talk to IC to figure out what it is that is missing, what emotional need is not being filled, otherwise she will always be reaching out to someone else. I validated and said and if you figure that out, you need to communicate it to me and help me understand how to fill that need.

I did chime in with I think it is more than just figuring out if this is too much, I think you are still trying to figure out WHO you want to be with. Her reply was a somewhat flippant, well that doesn’t matter anymore, too late to worry about that. I let it die there…


Then we had some peaceful, quiet time together on the couch. Kind of odd. Went to bed, neither of us were falling asleep real easy. Neither of us could get up to work out, too tired, so I asked her if she slept well…she said no. I honestly told her neither did I.

Then this morning, that opposite babble. Talks about the future and one year down the road.