I think its over help pls

[TimeHeals]

I do not know if it's because of the nc txt. Rt now I think she wants the OM because she cannot have him.

Why can't she have him?

I can understand why she can't have YOU AND him, and why she can't stay there with you AND have him. I wouldn't allow that in my life either, but I sure as heck wouldn't fight her if she was bent on leaving.

If that's how you have presented things, then I think you have stated your boundary in terms of what you are willing to accept, and she now has some thinking to do.

Take the focus off of her, and let her come to you for now.

I think that might be where you are headed anyway, and if so, then you are doing fine.

[blue2010]

Ok so just say hi??????

[bluestar]

TH, I think what he means is that OMW has told him that OM sent a NC text and has ended the A.

Disbelief, you're missing the point of what we've all been trying to say. Quit worrying about what she's doing all the time. Use the DB techniques to GAL and detach. Be casual, friendly but aloof, not hanging on her every word. Get out of the house. Make her wonder where you are for a change. Get the kids involved in something new where you can meet new people.

Once you quit focusing every moment on her, she WILL notice and wonder why. Just make sure that you are making sincere changes to be a better person, not just to win her back. She notice that too.

[angel61]

Disbelief,
My H also has just NC'd his OW, and just like your W, is getting really depressed. I cannot help but do exactly the same as you, so I would say all of this is normal reaction. But everyone says here to just quit focusing on them, keep doing GAL. One thin I alkso have been working on at this point is to start on taking away the resentment, especially the thoughts of how he can be feeling depressed over another woman! Also start working on forgiveness, because if not, then you cannot be sincere in your DB and it will all be an act.

[bluestar]

Angel and Disbelief, that is WHY the GAL is so important. To give your brain another activity and quit obsessing over every detail that your H/W is doing or not doing. You will find after some practice that you are actually not even thinking about them for a few minutes. That will creep up into hours.

They have to deal with the loss. You cannot help them! It is important that you understand that. You canNOT fix this for them. Give them and yourself a break. Go do something else. Focus on YOU! They will start to ask you what you are up to.

[blue2010]

I do not know if it's because of the nc txt. Rt now I think she wants the OM because she cannot have him.

Why can't she have him?

I can understand why she can't have YOU AND him, and why she can't stay there with you AND have him. I wouldn't allow that in my life either, but I sure as heck wouldn't fight her if she was bent on leaving.

If that's how you have presented things, then I think you have stated your boundary in terms of what you are willing to accept, and she now has some thinking to do.

Take the focus off of her, and let her come to you for now.

I think that might be where you are headed anyway, and if so, then you are doing fine.

She can't have hime because that is what he decided. And I wish she would decide too that she wants her married life back. There was no abuse the worst that happened was life and the everyday with kids.

[Bworl]

You're still making too much of what she is doing, what she is thinking, what she is feeling.

If she was jacked up on cocaine or meth and was coming down from a serious case of the jones, you wouldn't expect much that comes out of her to make any sense. You also would not be surprised by much of anything she says or does, good or bad. You would appreciate that she's on a bad trip, or that she's in the midst of withdrawal.

Well TH, what she's rolling with right now is not all that dissimilar. She got the high of a new relationship, complete with all the fantasies that we cook up when we are falling in love with someone.

Sandi has been trying to get you to understand this I think. I'm pretty sure you're not getting it, and I understand that it's tough because she actually seems normal sometimes.

You can only take care of you and the kids. You can only control what takes place in your life and in your home. I'm sure that you've already told your wife a gazillion times that you love her and want to make the marriage work. I'm pretty sure she understands your position.

So how about sharing with her one last little tidbit, and then promise to simply let her go.


XXX, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.



And that's it...

Blessings,

Bill

[blue2010]

You're still making too much of what she is doing, what she is thinking, what she is feeling.

So how about sharing with her one last little tidbit, and then promise to simply let her go.


XXX, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.



And that's it...

Blessings,

Bill

Would this be best shared with the councillor this week? I wrote a short note to her she didn't seem upset that it reminded her I loved her. However a week ago talk of house expenses was met by you do what you want it will be your bill.

I have told her to go do what she needs to do. I have told her I want her to be happy. I have reminded her I still love her and we want her here.

I am getting out and doing, reconnecting, taking the kids out. That actually seems to make her mad. She is actively pursuing somplace else to live. I am doing counciling and found a group that can be helpful.

I have not told her a gazillion times only a few really. I backed off early on. Maybe I backed off to much. I want to remind her everytime I see her how much I love her but I don't. Should I at least once a day?
Another forums poster said support her, remind her you lover her but doesn't that go onto pursuing? i would be her friend but she will not allow it. She is very defensive. Feels we could never get over it ( the A) it will always be there...she says.

I am taking care of me I am listening to you folks.


Thanks
Disbelief

[Bworl]

Feels we could never get over it ( the A) it will always be there...she says.

This could be just deflection on her part...

Or it could be a legitimate concern...

You're there. You need to try to tell which. Understand that true remorse for something like an infidelity would likely include a belief on her part that this IS something you could never get over.


Again, don't beat it into the ground. But somehow she would eventually need to know that forgiveness is there.



Bill

[TimeHeals]

And I wish she would decide too that she wants her married life back

Maybe she will. You wanting it isn't going to make it happen though.

What I don't get is how you are 'all in' when she isn't. Why don't you let her decide before you are all in?