Not sure where to start or end? WAW - #5

[john28]

I forgot to add that when I dropped our son off with her on Sunday night, I told her that I was going to kiss her. She looked up at me and gave me two good kisses.

We had our talk tonight. It was full of tears on both sides of us. But, it started out quite peculiar.

She drops off S4 before her class every Tuesday and when she dropped him off she had a flat time on the MY car that I've been letting her borrow for a week. So, she asked if I could take her to class and I did. When we got there, she grabbed me by the arm and laid a long kiss on me saying thanks. That's only the 2nd time we've kissed in two months I think.

I picked her up from class a few hours later and she came over. We chit-chat for a while and then she asks "So what do you want to talk about?"

I said I didn't know.

She said she didn't know either.

But then, for the first time I think in months, SHE started the relationship talk. She started out with that she didn't want to move forward with the D, but felt like she had to even though she didn't want to. That she had set all this stuff in motion and now she had to go do it (the separation agreement not D) and couldn't back out now.

For once I tried so very very very hard to listen. I didn't talk a whole lot and let her speak. She was full of tears the whole time. And, in a very long time she admitted that she had been mean and ugly to me and that she was working on that.

I told her that I was no longer trying to be a good man, but now I was just 'doing it'. I wasn't perfect, made my fair share of mistakes, but I'm in a place now where I am happy with all the progress I've made.

She's not happy with herself. Again, for the first in a long time she admitted she has a myriad of anger issues and other problems that push me away and that's not my fault and she's trying to work on those.

She said that she wanted to go back to MC. I asked if I should make an appointment soon and she said yes, she was open to that. She asked for appropriate time so she could get off of work.

We exchanged ILY about a dozen times tonight. She initiated a lot of physical contact... hand holding, hugs, stuff. It felt good, but I still want to keep my distance. I talked with her about integrity and how I had failed at taking care of her and I was very sorry for that... but I would take care of her the best I could from now on.

She responded with, "We've both had bad integrity. I really have."

Wow, she again is admitting something is wrong with her... wtf has this world come to? I'm sitting there trying to pick my jaw up off the floor the best I can throughout all of this. I asked her if she thought she could do this all on her own, and she said no. I told her that we would do our best to get her the help she needs.

Basic synopsis - she says that she can't come home because she's not ready and needs more time to work out her anger issues with me so that if or when she comes home she's not a huge raging biotch towards me. Which, frankly, she is. She always has had serious anger issues. Now she wants to go to MC. That's good I guess.

Before she left there were a lot of passionate kisses and boy did I want to pull the whole "stay the night" routine but didn't. I walked her to her (my) car and told her goodnight. She thanked me for all the help I did for her today and for the talk tonight and said we needed to do it again soon. I told her it was good to feel loved again and she said that she felt loved too tonight.