I can do this...

[irishblessings]

I called H this evening. Through recent emails and interactions H has had with the kids, I guess I reached a point where I felt I couldn't go on being passive. Initially my passiveness was to avoid interacting with crazy - but it has gotten to the point where I felt as if I abdicated control of the boundaries in my life.

So I called and went through perfunctory items. Then I brought up that I had concerns over the discussions that he had been having with the kids as of late. I said that it appeared to the kids and family and friends that he was reappearing in S's life due to bb season. H acknowledged that he could see why it looked like that but that he was just trying to do the best he could. I said - well here's the deal, I need for you to establish a consistent schedule to see S - 2 days per week. An hour or two each time. Then you need to let S contact you when he wants more interactions. You are pushing yourself on him and then getting agitated when you are not received with open arms. Please give S some space.

Then I said - you know "H" - we have raised these amazing kids together. And we raised them to have values and we've tried to be good role models. I feel it is completely inappropriate for you to bring another woman into their lives when we are not even divorced. You have moved right into another relationship which contradicts all the reasons you said you needed to leave. I told him that his emotional detachment from all of us has caused him not to recognize the impact of his statements. I brought up about him telling the kids they would have "ended up better" if we had made different decisions. How he told S that he had been miserable for 7 years and had been faking it (S felt like that was all of his childhood). H was quiet.

What was crazy was that many of the things I said that were direct quotes from him he denied saying. Like no recollection. He said that he didn't abandon the kids - he just wanted to get away from me. (Ouch).

He said he had been working on himself. That he hadn't planned on meeting someone so soon. I said - "you met her at a bar and from what you've told Ds - she has baggage too." He says - "yes". I said - when you left, you had significant mental health issues. I told him that since he had left I had talked to his C, our MC, and my C and that all had made recommendations for treatment. I said - you will always be these amazing kids' father. I said - WE raised these amazing kids. I said that these kids believed we had a GREAT family - not because of things we had or places we went - but because of feeling safe and loved at home - hanging out on the couch watching movies - singing oldies - playing scrabble - laughing - sharing meals. The things that you have said to them have negated those values. You need to be healthy for them. I said that in NO way did I deserve the things he did to me. He agreed.

So...how do I feel? Sad, sure. But glad that I set the boundary about S - I felt like I was taking control and protecting my son. Yes, I probably didn't handle it perfectly - but it wasn't terrible. I told him that I didn't want him back but that I still didn't believe in divorce. I told him that I really thought he needed time to work on himself - he said he was. I gave him specific examples of his abandonment of kids, etc. He has lied to kids on several occasions - he was quiet on those points. Bottom line - it wasn't ugly. I told him that I could not be his "friend" right now. Friends don't treat friends the way I was treated. But I told him that I had not disrespected him, nor stood in his way. I never blocked his access to kids or whatever. I said that we have not been co-parenting. I have been 24/7. Finally I said - I just want to know what you are seeking with this divorce. Am I going to need to sell the house? What do you want? He said he hadn't completely figured it out.

Why am I posting all of this? Because I really don't know what is right or what is wrong any longer. I used to have a better handle on my values - morals. I am still wearing my wedding band when he is taking his new love to family events. I have a serious problem with him exposing the kids to his new love life when we are still legally married. I want to remember and believe in clean living. Does it exist? Are there people out there who wake up and really want to do the right things? It's been so long since it's been a part of my life.

Sorry for the length of the post. I have to pick up and move forward after several days of taking steps back.