Me personally? I wouldn't have had a problem with the sexual innuendoes BUT - a guy who doesn't want to meet your friends? That's a guy who isn't really interested in you.
I also cringe when I hear (not on this thread but in other places) people talking about 'needing' someone, or needing that love or affection. I don't need it, but I have decided that I do want to spend time with someone who makes me laugh and whose company I enjoy. And I don't want to rush it, move too fast, and become an instant couple with someone.
All great points. Yeah I have never understood the "I need someone" idea. No you don't! Wanting and needing aren't the same thing!
Originally Posted By: g450
Ironically I have always been pro-marriage and I loved being married. But now the thought of buying a ring scares the daylights out of me.
Once bitten, twice shy. As long as you have told your lady friend what your deal is and how you feel, there is nothing wrong. Now if you've led her on to think you will be married by March of next year, then that is no good. Just be honest with her. A D changes you. At minimum, it makes you analyze things a little more.
Originally Posted By: Golfgirl1
I asked him to come to a party to meet my friends and he refused. He said he wanted a *nice quiet night in.* Yeah, right. That was because I wouldn't sleep with him.
LOL. Good for you for sticking to your guns.
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
"Most guys will tell you fairly soon in dating whom they really are; we need to listen to them."
So true. That's like, "The first time a person shows you who they are, believe them!"
"I do not feel like I am using her but I will try to instill in her the fact that there may be a better man out there for her that actually wants to raise her 12 year old boy. Who knows, she may get lucky. And no, I am not trying to be sarcastic but I doubt she will find a man like that at our age. "
You seem to have a bit of a skewed view here. I've never actually seen anyone on these boards have this attitude toward children in a relationship. And, make no mistake, if you are in a relationship with someone with children, the children are in the relationship too.
It is clear what GF wants. She has made it clear that she and her S are a package deal. Again, you don't get to come between them. You don't get to take half the package and put the other half away. You get them both. She has been very clear on that.
You've also been playing the "we're married" game. Seriously. You can't believe that she doesn't think that this is potentially headed to a FAMILY. She already stopped seeing you once because you aren't interested in parenting. You still aren't interested. But, you reassure her that you like her Son, you ask what more you could possible do, you act as if you are willing to include Son so that you can keep seeing her. How is she supposed to know that you do it with such distaste and resentment? If YOU don't want to date a mother and son, then WHY are YOU doing it? This isn't something being forced on you. It is a choice you are making, a choice that leads to no place but harm for GF and her Son as far as I can see. You have ZERO intention of being the kind of long-term partner she wants in her life, but you keep playing at it, with both her and Son.
To be blunt: I've seen plenty of DBers date too early. Signs of this are wild conflicting emotions, rather bizarre claims, the very sudden "perfect R" with the "perfect person" except that things are really screwed up that are both complained bitterly about and denied, an inability to see pretty obvious things. You and she may be a good match, but there is no way for either of you to tell right now because your NEED is so great it is skewing everything.
If you don't want a package deal, stop taking it now. Pay for a babysitter. Stop engaging with the Son. If she's really OK with that, then she'll keep seeing you. But, clearly she'll probably stop seeing you. She's been honest. Her actions have matched her words. But your actions now are dishonest and insincere and not fair to anyone. You aren't married. You aren't interested in being married or in parenting. Stop it.
g- I've got to say... If I was to date a woman with a twelve year old, I would have to figure that if it became an exclusive long term relationship I would be a part of the youngster's life. Depending on the existing conditions with the real dad it might not be quite fatherly, but it would be something in that direction. I have a lot of trouble seeing how you could expect a mom to separate her life from her kid's life.
OT is right. If you don't have any interest in being at least part time parent, this isn't the woman for you.
G450, I also disagree that men in their late 40s aren't interested in taking on a fathering role with stepchildren. I think you might be projecting there. Plus, I hate to say it but men (people) who are *truly* in love can shift a lot in what they want and what they are willing to do.
Your girlfriend would probably be better off with a father with dependent children who is willing and able to make children a priority in his life and doesn't regard her son as an unwelcome inconvenience as you seem to do. They could spend time together with their children in a family-like way and it could be win-win for both. After she does some therapy of course.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Ugh - since the East Coast guy flamed out, ex-boyfriend happens to be offline for a couple of days, and inappropriately young guy also seems to have wandered off - I am finding out how dependent I have become on these little internet emails and chats through the day. Going through withdrawal. You all will have to fill in.
Just as I was writing this, though, my old college boyfriend called! He almost never calls, but he had very good timing today - just the pick me up I needed. (No, he's very very married and I really don't find him attractive - we do have that ease of old friends though. He's good at calling me on my bullshit.)
I just enjoy the company of guys. I get to hang out with my band buddies once a week, that helps, but it's not enough. I know I need to start dating again - I think this thing with the East Coast guy taught me something though. I keep thinking I will get over the ex-boyfriend when I get a new one; because of that I think I push myself a little even when things obviously aren't right, thinking I just need to get over that hump. Probably though I am unconsciously sabotaging or picking bad choices BECAUSE I'm still hung up on the old boyfriend.
Hey - at least it's the ex-boyfriend I'm hung up on, and not my ex-husband!
BUT - a guy who doesn't want to meet your friends? That's a guy who isn't really interested in you.