LRT and Christmas

[barbsing1]

I'm working really hard embracing and living the LRT but am unclear about gift giving during the holidays. H and I have always exchanged gifts. I know with the LRT one is not supposed to purchase gifts as this is seen as pursuing. Any thoughts??

Thanks

[Jewells]

I would like to know also. I bought my h a shirt from a concert I went to that we always have seen together. I was thinkin christmas but not sure if it will push him away. We also have two kids. One 7 and one 10. That changes the sich I wuld think a bit. My h left in june and moved things out in august. Not happy with anything, selfish, and is depressed. He said he wanted a divorce but has not done anything. What do u think about presents?

[MHL]

Barb,
Went back and read a little bit of your thread here and there....you are very clear on the techniques and tactics but your focus is on the marriage.......

Sounds funny doesn't it?????

That is what we are here for is to focus on the marriage....

right????

Well, in order to focus on the marriage you first have to focus on you.

YOU are NOT focusing on YOU.

YOU are contemplating what HE will THINK if you give him a gift or not......

WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS IN HIS WHACKED OUT MIND WHICH I DOUBT HIS BRIAN IS ACTUALLY ENGAGED IN.

I am not telling you to give up on him.......

BUT

rather turn from HIM right now.......

Do YOU feel like giving him a gift??????

IF so....then give one.

IF not....don't.

IT is ALL about how you FEEL right now......NOT him.

We know how he feels, effed up, confused, wanting some ideal of the past, WHATEVER.....WHO CARES!!!

Start focusing on BARB and what makes BARB feel good.....what used to make BARB feel good before BARB met BARD's Husband.

DO not tell me that BARB's Husband makes you feel good.

He can not make you feel anything, and if he could then lately he has been making BARB feel like sh!t. But he can't so the mods will strike that as it is of no use here.....

or is it???????

Barb,
Seriously, tell me what you are doing for you.....I can tell you that your H is still interested in you....and the life he had/has with you and his kids.....but that is it, he is just interested, nothing more. When you show him that you can be HAPPY without him and that his kids can flourish w/o him....

Then and ONLY then will he move from being "interested" to starting to move back to you.

[barbsing1]

Missher -

Thank you. Really. What you wrote made me cry. Because you are so right. About it all.

[MHL]

Barb,

I am sorry that what I wrote made you cry.......

then again every tear that I poured out my eyes brought me closer to the place I am at today.

It is a process, you will find as you come to this wonderful place for guidance and support we will talk about "Doing the Work"......meaning "working on YOU"

that means different things to different people....for me it was being curled up in the fetal position on the floor of my closet, with the door shut to the closet, to the bathroom and to my room so my kids would not hear me cry so hard I thought I was going to throw up.......

BUT

Everytime I did, I knew that it would come to an end and each time it was a little less and a little shorter.....and guess what.....

The Sun still came up the next day and I picked myself up and carried on......that was the "WORK" for me.

Getting to the point that I KNEW that I not only would survive without her but that I could actually be happy if not happier without her.......make no mistake....I am not telling you to leave your H in order to find this happiness.

Quite the contrary....kinda.......you have to mentally, emotionally, and yes somewhat physically have to "leave" your H in order to find your HAPPINESS.

This is the ONLY path back to your M, or at least a M that you would both be satisfied with.

DR is actually all about YOU. Saving YOU in order to save the marriage. I remember being right where you are.......it is like reading a cookbook......follow the recepie and put thing in the oven and waaalaaa....your Marriage is whole again!!!!!

Gotta start with a beginner's mind.......and you have to wrap your head around this RIGHT NOW..........TIME.

This is going to take TIME......a long TIME.

You have to go to the grocery store and buy the food bring it home before you can start to cook......right?????

Barb, guess what????? you have not even showered yet to go out to the store and I know you are not going out looking like that.....LOL....remember to laugh....it helps, trust me.

You are at the very beginning of this thing and you are going to be here awhile......do me a favor......stop with the LRT technique....your not there yet.

Here is the good news......your situation is not that bad.....seems like it right now but it is not.....

Now here is a hint......YOU CAN MAKE IT WORSE!!!!

I know you don't want that.....

You are looking for a play by play instruction manual and you are looking for what you can DO....meaning some action....right????

WRONG.....this is the wrong mindset and it will make the situation worse. Time for a little brain surgery.....anytime you feel like doing something or saying something to your H, STOP write down the time and wait at least 24 to 48 hours.....best advice I could ever give you. (And anyone else reading this).

Beginner's mindset.......Barb what this means is you are going to do the smallest thing for a loooooonnnnnnggggggg time before you do anything else......how long?????

Weeks..........yep WEEKS AND WEEKS which will probably turn into Months, better wrap your head around that now.

Slide up to the table and I will pour you one.....

Remeber this.....your smallest, CONSISTENT behavior will be noticed above all other things.

You have to stop engaging your H in convo, physical touch, calling, snooping, everything.....don't be mean but STOP pursuing him.

What is pursuing????? For now.....assume everything is.

Communicate only when neccessary and then it needs to be chipper or at least nice.

Next.....get the h@ll out of the house....alot!!!! If you don't have to be there....get out. DO ANYTHING but stay away as much as possible...don't neglect the kids....well make sure they have food and water, but other than that....get out.

Do anything...I went to the bookstore alot....took my computer, drank coffee, came here....anything, just stay away and do not tell him or the kids what you are doing. Come up with some canned response that is believable. Do this for WEEKS.....I mean WEEKS.

You have to detach from his mess and really the only way that I know of when you are under the same roof is to spend less time under the roof.....get it??????

This is a ridiculously long post so I will end it there......those are your marching orders.....carry them out soldier!!!!!

Hang in there.......it gets better......I PROMISE.

Cheers!!!

[barbsing1]

missher -

Thanks again for another really great response. You make a lot of sense. But damned - this is really stinkin' hard. I struggle with the daily rejection and I struggle with knowing he is still in touch with his ex-wife. I gave him an empty ultimatum before thanksgiving that was disastrous and which set me back weeks if not months. Yet I still stew and fume over allowing him to stay here and basically giving him carte blanche to have his affair. I recently found out his ex is also a past drug addict - which makes me even more upset. He is going to sacrifice his beautiful children, lovely home, loving, educated, attractive, authentic and loyal spouse for her - a hot mess, a serial adulterer (if it happens, this will be the 3rd marriage she has played a part in breaking up)???? Ugh!!! Makes me sick.

I've asked this before and would love a response, esp. from DB Mod. The question always arises as to what the WAS finds so attractive about the OW - in my case, it's unrequited love. She rejected him 21 years ago and now is begging for him back. I can't compete with history or the fantasy of the past.

So here I am again, focusing on the marriage and not focusing on myself. Actually, last week I had 3 evenings out. H started asking questions after the third.

We had 1 R talk last week. My birthday is coming up and I wanted to know if he had plans for us (guess I should have just made my own without asking him) - birthdays have always been special around here and traveling is always involved. He told me he wasn't comfortable on an overnight trip with me (even though he went to Vegas and we had fun - no expectations) because he didn't want to "lead me on" (another cruel comment) but that he wanted to help me celebrate my birthday if I wanted. I shared that this hurt me. He muttered something about ruining my birthday and Christmas - he does a lot of muttering about how he is messing things up. I just responded with "that's an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself" and left it at that. He reiterated for the 100th time (at least!) that he can't love me the way I need to be loved. I get blamed for a lot. I know the WAS in an affair tends to blame everyone but themselves in order to justify their behavior but I really get tired of hearing this line. It's cruel. It's mean-hearted. He also said he was still thinking about separating again at the end of the holidays but that it wasn't just his decision. I agreed that it was not just his decision but that I would honor any decision he made as he would have to honor any I made. He then asked me if I was dating anyone because I had been gone a lot. I explained that wasn't how I "rolled" and that I was committed to our marriage until the ink was dry on the papers.

I made reservations for my birthday at a mountain lodge for me and the kids. I will invite H to join us if he chooses.

We helped the kids decorate the tree yesterday and he was horrible toward them. Snapping and clicking his tongue at them. Being mean and distant toward me. I did my best to ignore him and keep the kids away from him.

I read the Dobson Tough Love book and am now considering this. I know it goes against DB tactics...but I'm tired of being disrespected. I'm tired of hiding under my bed, crying and begging God for mercy - to just put me out of this pain. I spoke with my pastor on Saturday and, without my prompting or sharing that I had read the Dobson book, told me I had to implement tough love on my H - to force him to the end of his rope. Anyway - just something I am considering.

Last night, after tucking the kids in before I went to bed, I looked at their angelic faces and made a decision. Today would be a different day. I would focus on them. ENJOY them instead of obsessing about my R with H - that is stealing time away from my children. H called twice today and I didn't pick up the phone - and for the first time, it was not a strategic move. I just didn't feel like talking to him - I wanted to spend time with the kids instead.

[Lorie1964]

Barb,

I just wanted to let you know that your post was great. I feel more empowered reading post like yours. Though I wish my H called to check on me, but he doesn't. He is so involved with OW and finding things to blame me for that he doesn't even care what I am up to. I lost my job one week after he left and do you even think he has asked me once about the job hunting? No! I get so frustrated and at times my patience runs low, but I know I need to keep that patience high and focus on taking care of me. I live in a small town of 1500 people and getting out is not so easy, the closest place to go is 30 mins and not having money right now, I really worry about gas. But you have inspired me to try to do something more.

I am sorry this kind of rambled on! But these days, I try not to make sense of too much.

[dbmod]

Hi sweetie,

I once read that the LRT is like the Dobson letter that you write and never send. So do that. Write it. Don't send it. Write it, don't send it. We can tweak your LRT from that.

When you write it, it might help you get a sense of some things--tweak it with a sense of what you want MORE of rather than just what you don't want.

Sending it though, can be a point of no return. It has great results for some, and disastrous for others.

Write it and post it if you want. But definitely post your vision for your marriage.

[barbsing1]

HELP!!

I feel like I just can not take the daily rejection and "come here go away"messages from H. I know he continues to carry on with OW and yet I let him stay here in the home. I still want to try to save our marriage but no amount of GAL or letting go helps my feelings of betrayal and my feelings of being disrespected - it's in my face daily!

HELP!! I really feel like I just want to throw in the towel right now.

[angel61]

HI Barb,

Hang in there.

Remember, our spouses are all going through a crazy phase. That iswhy we are in this forum, to help each other out, to make sure we hang in there as long as possible.

That is natural, we all go through times were we we feel we cannot take it anymore. The same happened with me - for 4 mos, H refused to end contact with OW, felt that since I knew it anyway he wasn't hiding anything and it was an EA, not PA, that its was technically was not "cheating". The betrayal, the daily rejection, the roller coaster. The same stories - H taking me out on my B-day but making sure I did not misinterpret his motives, H letting me know he did things just for D's sake, etc. What kept me from throwing in the towel was reading about the success stories here, plus the knowledge inside of me that no matter what H says and does, I know inside him that he still cares, and that one day the A would end. Most books say that A's usually dont last more than 6 months. How long has you H's A been going on? Haven't read your thread yet.
Other things: I read "Love Dare", and although I did not do the dares (Blcch, pursuing! as one DB'er says), it made me see love through Christian eyes, also made me more accepting of rejection, and work on choosing to love unconditionally. It is hard but in the end, it is really for you to have peace and I even managed to forgive (most of the time anyway!)

True enough, EA ended last Thanksgiving,(6 months!) because OW got guilty. But now, H is depressed, trying to contact her again on the pretext of work, and as I was posting in my thread, more than ever the urge to wave the white flag is stronger.

But last night, sitting in my living room, thinking of D, again I was able to calm myself.

A few days at a time..... and soon we will be where we want to be.....