Hi all ... I feel like I owe these boards my sanity, my life ... and right now I need to live that life. This has been, and continues to be, an amazing journey for me, as it has been for many of you. I truly hope that all of you save yourselves and that many of you save your marriages too. Know that it can happen, does happen and do not give up hope. Do not live with expectations of anyone other than yourself, but do not put out the flame of hope that burns within either.
My story here in my (many!) threads is far from complete. My growth and transformation does not belong to me alone. I know that many of you look up to me, but please remember I am only one woman fighting to save herself during a very difficult time in her life. I’ve made many mistakes and I continue to make them daily ... but I will tell you something...
I push myself. I insist on better. I insist on more. I will not fail or succomb to the pain. I have forgiven myself, yet will take the lessons forward forever. I CHOOSE to be challenged. I CHOOSE to move forward. I am not a victim. Not of my husband, my situation, my life or my lover.
Those things are easy to say, but they are not easy to live. I have pity parties sometimes, y’all have even attended a few ... but I do not live in that space. I do not excuse my own behaviour. I occasionally allow it, but I own it. I know what it is. It’s a part of the grieving process. It’s self indulgent and protective ... and it is short lived in my world.
I refuse to be stuck. I refuse to waste any of the time I might have on this planet. I will be grateful for the blessings in my life, and not just the fluffy, easy stuff. I will mostly be grateful for the hard lessons. The character-building stuff. The kinds of experiences that make many turn their faces upwards and scream "why me?" because those experiences brought me here. Here to the boards. Here to you. Here to myself.
I know how much you all hurt. I know how hard this is. And I know what a person can do if they CHOOSE to put their mind to it. I have faith and belief in all of you. In your ability to rise up from the ashes and emerge strong and healthy and whole. Insist on it. Of yourselves. For yourselves. You deserve at least that much.
I talk about being honest. About living your truth. Yet I feel like a hypocrite for leaving holes in my story here in my threads. I feel like sometimes y’all see the strength on the surface but not the softness underneath, nor the process that restored that strength.
I really don’t know where to start filling in the blanks so I guess I’ll just do it ...
I was broken. I felt unlovable, unloved, unwanted, unattractive, unappealing and unworthy of love. I felt incapable of giving love. I made many friends and the support I got here on the boards became my drug of choice. I drank it up. I started to learn. I started to want more and as I did that I got challenged more. I think some of you really saw that I wanted and was capable of more. Of more honesty.
Then my H crossed a line. It was invisible at the time and I tried to "I’m ok" my way past it. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ok. I was that "17 year old girl who gave herself away to make men want her" all over again. I knew then, in June, that I had given away too much ... I had no SELF respect. I didn’t believe that I was worthy and I was trying to manipulate the situation. I knew then I was "done" for lack of a better word. I was not done because of what H had done. I was done because of what I'd allowed him to do. Subtle, but huge, difference.
Just after that, a friendship that had been simmering took a turn. And it turned fast. I started talking to this guy (lets call him G for guy) for hours at a time ... the emotional connection was intense and immediate. I had to meet him. So I did, within two weeks. And it was like lightening. I ate, drank and breathed G for months. I fell in love with him. And he with me. We had so much in common, including our sitchs. The intensity was intoxicating. And distracting. And therein lies the usual danger. I was fortunate ... I continued to do the work, continued to press myself forward with his support and love. I didn’t stall and I didn’t stop. It would have been easy. I could have gotten stuck.
My H knew about G from almost the beginning because I refused to live a lie. The reverse was not true, complications on his end left G in a different situation and to this day most of his life is oblivious to my existence. I hated it.
It wasn’t all champagne and roses. It was hard because we chose to be truly and brutally honest with each other but it was incredibly rewarding. I’ve never in my life had a relationship so honest and communicative and based on maturity and mutual respect and understanding. I truly love him for who he is ... faults, insecurities, strenths ... all of it. Unconditionally.
Was it wrong? That’s so subjective. Legally, I’m still married. I have to be in Canada for a year post separation. But that piece of paper does not make a marriage ... nor would the lack of one end it IMO. I am emotionally divorced. I have been for months. I’m not looking for anyone’s approval or permission. I make my decisions to the best of my ability so that I move forward in my life never looking over my shoulder with regret.
We’re no longer together. The distance and our personal sitchs make a R incredibly hard if not impossible. He chose to back away ... I respected his decision. It hurt like hell. I love him, and always will for who he is, and what he taught me about myself. We’re both moving on ... dating other people ... and our intention is to try to keep our friendship. It is/was that important to both of us. Only time will tell if we are able to. It won’t be easy, but nothing with us ever was ... yet always worth it. We’ll see. And what I know now about myself is that my happiness is not dependant on him or anything he does or does not do. I am in charge of it. It’s my responsibility.
I tell this part of my story to show you another side of me. To be real.
I’m not advocating anyone take this path. The pain that comes with dealing with this twice in one year is intense. The chance that it could have distracted me from doing the real work was huge. I still struggled with my committment to my marriage, especially around the time of my anniversary.
I’m strong, I’ve been told by at least three of you just how strong you think I am. But I’m not made of titanium, although sometimes I give that impression. I hurt and I struggle and I cry. And I've been told that even that ... is strength. Honestly owning my feeling and having the courage to work through them ... is strength.
I also love. Still. Even after all of this, maybe because of all of this ... I know I can love. I will not shut down. I will not wall up my heart and lock it away. I have learned what it takes to be a partner, what it means to love someone unconditionally and what I have to offer.
I have ME.
Strong, opinionated, kind, loving, mouthy, emotional, real, honest, work-in-progress ME. Like it or lump it. That’s what you get
Peace PEI aka T
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
