Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[ScaredinCanada]

So last night when my W was at work I noticed that the laundry was over-flowing. So I decided to be nice and do the laundry (I think I've only ever done laundry once or twice in my 33 years). Anyways, I figured I'd just start it to help out my W and prove to myself that I could do it. I ended up finishing most of it. This morning, instead of just saying thanks she was angry that I did the laundry (that I didn't fold thing properly) and just not touch the laundry. I also tried to tell her that she looked good today when she got dressed (a nice christmas dress) and she just rolled her eyes at me!:(

I just ran around all morning, took my daughters to dance and then ran around getting food, cake and balloons for the party...W doesn't say anything. I get all the veggies cut up and ready to cook for dinner, so I decide to sit down on the couch next to my W and put my hand around her back. Big mistake, she tells me to take my hand off her and not to touch her!?!? I just said "what's the big deal, you are my W aren't I allowed to put my arm around you?" to which she said no, that we aren't even friends...I'm starting to wonder why I'm trying with her.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, so frustrated. I've been so good, and felt so good about all my changes and every chance she gets she makes me feel like crap.

[Lotus]

This is like trying to turn a cruise ship around. It doesn't happen quickly. I give you points for doing the laundry and all the other tasks too. Ask her to show you how she wants things folded. Some people like things just so.

[Truegritter]

SIC

She doesn't believe your changes she thinks you are doing it just to suck up.

Which of course you were.

Don't get discouraged. This is a marathon ....

Consistency.

In your character, your honor and your integrity.

[ScaredinCanada]

Thanks. I'm trying, but it stinks.

Sher tried talk...err...complain at me again today. She keeps saying that I don't get it, that I'm not listening. She doesn't love me, and I can't change it.

I'm not angry, just really frustrated. I try to just listen, but the ridiculousness spewing out of her mouth sometimes is unbearable.

Anyways, she's off to work so at least for now everythings ok. Thanks for giving me the strength everyone. I have a long long long road to haul.

[Truegritter]

I try to just listen, but the ridiculousness spewing out of her mouth sometimes is unbearable.

This is not going to go on forever. She is rebelling.

There is listening and then there is listening and letting her know you HEAR her.

That is the validation part.

A good practice is to parrot back to her.

"I hear you saying it makes you angry when I leave the toilet seat up. I understand how you could feel that way."

You aren't getting it because she is telling you she doesn't want the M right.

You do.

And you are pressing your agenda.

SO stop.

You are not going to talk her out of this.

You are not going to guilt her out of this.

Anything aimed at that will bring more spew.

[ScaredinCanada]

Understood. Re-focus I shall.

[TimeHeals]

Sher tried talk...err...complain at me again today. She keeps saying that I don't get it, that I'm not listening. She doesn't love me, and I can't change it.

She doesn't love you. What's to get? Seems pretty simple. How is arguing with that working for you?

[ScaredinCanada]

I understand that she doesn't love me, but she used too. I guess I'm hopeful that she doesn't mean, that she's only saying it to hurt me because I've hurt her.

I'm trying to move on GAL, and focus on improving myself but the bottom line is that I still love this woman.

Sticking to the plan, listening and validating while avoiding R and M talks.

[ScaredinCanada]

Ok, talked to the Employee Support through my work and a counselor should contact me by Thursday to arrange an appointment in my area. Nervous and excited at the same time. They also told me that my wife can call and get her own appointment with a counselor as well, and at any point we can move to a marriage counselor for joint counseling.

Solid results at the doctors yesterday, cholesterol is no longer and issue and the level of fat in my blood has been drastically reduced (based on blood work I submitted at the end of July). I've lost 13 pounds since my appointment in April and about 25 lbs in last year. I feel good, but I want to feel great.

Thanks again everyone for information, advice, support and for simply listening/reading my rants.

[TimeHeals]

I understand that she doesn't love me, but she used too. I guess I'm hopeful that she doesn't mean, that she's only saying it to hurt me because I've hurt her.

There's a saying around these parts that "love is a choice and not a feeling", and there's some truth to that.

But... she's telling you she doesn't feel love for you. It's not to hurt you most likely based on my sparse reading of your thread. It's how she feels. Don't interpret it, don't try to change it... because it won't work.

Accept what she is telling you when she says how she feels.

bottom line is that I still love this woman.

I get that is how you feel. Do you get how she feels?

The good and bad thing about feelings is that they can change, but fighting with her or trying to force her to change her feelings won't work.