We subconsciously just adapted to the way they were treating us and tried to keep them happy. We made excuses for them and did our own rationalization of their behavior. That is what a supporting spouse does. Now, looking back? Wholly CHIT!
I get what you are saying. My sitch is slightly different, well reversed really. My H tried to keep ME happy for years. Silently. There was no rationalization or justifications from me ... his MLC behaviour was for him to be silent. REALLY silent. His crisis brewed like a bubbling cauldron, along with WAS mentality for more than six years.
Originally Posted By: WS
Now that you get to take the high road though, realize that most of your requests will be shot down. How can they cooperate with you? That would admit defeat. THEY CAN'T DO THAT!!!
In our case, it's a control issue, and to be fair, rightly so in that I was a control freak, I did make all the decisions and I worked it until I got what I wanted. Now, I understand that until he finds balance in who he is, he will go to the other extreme ... the victim who becomes the bully. He can't and won't consider that maybe my motivations really are about what is best for the kids, he can only see me trying to get my way.
Originally Posted By: WS
But if you take the high road you can still try with no expectations.
I do take the high road, WS, and will continue to do so (even though that little gal in red with the pitchfork sitting on my shoulder keeps prodding me to do otherwise ). I do it, because it's who I am. I'm not trying anything. I have no expectations of him, not anymore.
My expectations are of me. Only me
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Very well spoken, PEI. Me, on the other hand, have a little trouble with the little She-Devil sitting on my left shoulder. She's red headed like I am and doesn't always listen to the angel on the right shoulder.
What WS says makes good sense,also. I know I was the Queen of Denial where my H was concerned. If I kept plugging along, it would all be better tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow.
Pei, if I don't get back with you before, Happy American Thanksgiving. I know Canada has their own,but I don't know when. By the way, do you eat Turkey, or is it just us??
Our Thanksgiving was in early October ... and yep, we love our Turkey (and pumpkin pie)! I even love that it's in October ... lots of time to recover and want Turkey again by Christmas!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Hey T, I'm sorry your h shot down you offer. It would have been nice for him to put the kids first.
But he couldnt. For a few reasons - one in which, as you said, was that he saw it as you controlling. The other is fear. Fear that you are trying to lure him back in and change his mind. Fear of looking at what he's done. Best to stick to his plan, in his mind.
So, you did the right thing. For me, that matters. I no longer worry about what he thinks or feels. It's how I feel. And if it feels right to me, then that's a good thing.
You have no control over how he parents. And no amount of MC or anything else is going to change his mindset. It's best for you to just do the best you can for your children, be there for them, protect them as best you could.
I know it is frustrating when you have small children. Frustrating and worrisome. But, as long as you are their rock, their safe place and they know they can come to you, they will be ok.
You are going to have times when you feel angry, overwhelmed and sad. And that's ok.
Just remember who you are. Sweetie, you are doing great.
This song hit a chord with me today ... just thought I'd share the lyrics ...
Beautiful ~ Christina Aguilera
Every day is so wonderful And suddenly, i saw debris Now and then, I get insecure From all the pain, I'm so ashamed
I am beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring me down I am beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring me down So don't you bring me down today
To all your friends, you're delirious So consumed in all your doom Trying hard to fill the emptiness The piece is gone left the puzzle undone That's the way it is
You are beautiful no matter what they say Words can't bring you down You are beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring you down Don't you bring me down today...
No matter what we do (no matter what we do) No matter what they say (no matter what they say) When the sun is shining through Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go (everywhere we go) The sun won't always shine (sun won't always shine) But tomorrow will find a way All the other times
'cause we are beautiful no matter what they say Yes, words won't bring us down, oh no We are beautiful in every single way Yes, words can't bring us down Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today Don't you bring me down today
I guess I'm in a Christina frame of mind these days ...
This song is where I'm at today ...
Fighter ~ Christina Aguilera
[Spoken:] After all that you put me through, You think I'd despise you, But in the end I wanna thank you, 'Cause you've made me that much stronger
Well I thought I knew you, thinkin' that you were true Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff time is up Cause I've had enough You were there by my side, always down for the ride But your joy ride just came down in flames cause your greed sold me out in shame
After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know Just how capable I am to pull through So I wanna say thank you Cause it
[Chorus:] Makes me that much stronger Makes me work a little bit harder It makes me that much wiser So thanks for making me a fighter Made me learn a little bit faster Made my skin a little bit thicker Makes me that much smarter So thanks for making me a fighter
Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I'd realize your game I heard you're going round play, the victim now But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame Cause you dug your own grave After all of the fights and the lies cause you're wanting to haunt me But that wont work anymore, no more, It's over Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down So I wanna say thank you Cause it
[Chorus]
How could this man I thought I knew Turn out to be unjust so cruel Could only see the good in you Pretend to not to see the truth You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself Through living in denial But in the end you'll see YOU-WONT-STOP-ME
I am a fighter and I I ain't gonna stop There is no turning back I've had enough
[Chorus]
You thought I would forget But I remembered Cause I remembered I remembered You thought I would forget I remembered Cause I remembered I remembered
Great song! Hope you had a good Thanksgiving. I haven't been on the site in about a week, so I am way behind on everyones posts. Also, there are so many new people...I can't keep up. It is so so sad to see so many new people on the site. It is depressing.
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
Pink's song, "who knew" is the theme song to my life :-) love this song!
"Who Knew"
You took my hand You showed me how You promised me you'd be around Uh huh That's right I took your words And I believed In everything You said to me Yeah huh That's right
If someone said three years from now You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out Cause they're all wrong I know better Cause you said forever And ever Who knew
Remember when we were such fools And so convinced and just too cool Oh no No no I wish I could touch you again I wish I could still call you friend I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now 'fore they're long gone I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong They knew better Still you said forever And ever Who knew
Yeah yeah I'll keep you locked in my head Until we meet again Until we Until we meet again And I won't forget you my friend What happened
If someone said three years from now You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out Cause they're all wrong and That last kiss I'll cherish Until we meet again And time makes It harder I wish I could remember But I keep Your memory You visit me in my sleep My darling Who knew My darling My darling Who knew My darling I miss you My darling Who knew Who knew
TAMF m:41 xh:41 T: 20 M: 15 D: 16 D: 14 Bomb dropped: 7/3/10 separated: 7/15/10 H moved in to new apt. with OW: 7/1/11 divorced: 8/26/12
). I do it, because it's who I am. I'm not trying anything. I have no expectations of him, not anymore. 