So scared

[barbsing1]

Update on Thanksgiving, trip, etc.

Heading to our friend's home for Thanksgiving turned out to be just the right thing. I was a bit wary since only the day before he had told me "this ship has sailed", etc. On the way to their home, H said he really appreciated me arranging this. I took this to mean he really did not want to be alone on the holiday. I'm still not sure why he had been pushing for me to take the kids to my family's home when he really did want to spend it with us. Very confusing. As I had mentioned earlier, I decided to stop snooping (it's been hard but I'm still going strong) and to lovingly detach. The "lovingly" part is not difficult for me but detaching feels strange and foreign to me. And since I have been detaching, I see just how much I have been focusing just on him and his needs and not at all on mine. Also, I felt some anger bubbling up because I'm now allowing myself to go back and think about some of the choices he has made with the affair that have cut me to the core. Nonetheless, I have been managing this anger and sadness without involving him. H was very attentive and reached out several times to put his hand on my back or arm around me - I have to work hard not to read anything into this. I also have taken my wedding ring off. I'm a bit conflicted on this - I didn't do it for him to notice or to make a statement. But after the things he said last week, I just felt defeated. ANY input on this would be appreciated.

We left for our trip the day after Thanksgiving. He was very attentive and even flirting with me. Again, trying not to read too much into this. His main concern with going on the trip was that I would have expectations of him - I showed him throughout the entire trip that I did not. Oh - actually that is not quite true. I am realizing more and more that I am lonely and miss being touched. I also am quite obviously missing intimacy with H but I kind of got into the mindset on Saturday night that it would be okay if I propositioned him for sex. I almost had myself talked into believing this would be okay because I have all of these sexual needs. I tested the waters a bit and he did show affection initially and then said we should probably go to sleep. I'm glad I didn't push things. But I did feel angry. Not so much because of the rejection but I just started thinking about his ex and how he has given these things to her that he should be giving to me. I calmed myself down and went to sleep. He asked me the next morning what was wrong - was I angry at him (guess he was reading into my being tired from such a late night). I asked him what reason I would have to be angry. He said he was just checking. I was proud of how I handled this.

One thing came up that I would like opinions on. I have been staying at home with the kids for 4 years now. Prior to that, I was a career woman. I have always sensed that he looked down on me for wanting to stay home with the kids - and this is perhaps something attractive about his ex - she works. She is not nearly as educated as I am but works, nonetheless. DB Moderator keeps asking others what is so attractive about the OP. In my case, his perceived history of their past is what makes her attractive - that and her willingness to beg for his forgiveness for leaving him for another man 21 years ago. So I'm really not sure how I can align myself and become more attractive to him in these ways, you know?! Anyway - lately I have been voicing my desire to go back to work. At dinner on Saturday H asked me how he can support me in this. I wish I had answered the question differently but what I said was that it was a loaded question. That he had said he was moving out and might divorce me and that he knows quite well that I will not stay in this town (will move closer to family). So if a D would take about 6 months, why would I want to start a job and then just have to leave it a few months later? My response bothered him. I told him this trip was not for talking about our relationship and then changed the subject.

So anyway - back home now. Still doing my best to implement the LRT -not pursuing, being pleasant toward him. Showing him the best of who I am and actually feeling more and more in my heart that I want to focus on my life with myself and the children. I feel l like I have spent far too much time focusing on him and trying to please him. I still want to save our marriage but I have to accept it might not happen and not cower in terror and fear when I think about that.

Thanks for listening.