H in crisis and self medicating with OW

[awest1217]

Based on my sitch, which did not turn out well, I would say for you to take care of you. I really feel what I got out of DBing is that you need to change you to make yourself someone that you like and want to be. As you change, you will cause other people to treat you differently because you will set boundaries on how you want to be treated. People will learn those boundaries by your actions, not by you telling them. Like when my students do something wrong they learn real quick the look I give them and learn that behavior is not acceptable. I don't always have to tell sit down and tell that it is not ok (now some students I do if they continually break the rules).

I would say to try something different is to focus on you. H needs help, but is not willing so just forget about him. If he calls or wants to talk, in a respectful way, you can, but don't change you to fit him. You be you and change to be a person you like and want to be. Don't worry about H. I learned that I was very controlling, but am working on that and am doing much better.

Also look at DR or DB and see the other methods given. There is more than just not talking in there. Reread some of the ideas and give them a try.

Also leave OW alone. I tried the talking to OW and it doesn't work. I am realizing now that it will all come out in the end. Some people will accept it and others will hate it, but that is up to them. OW knows he is still married so if she chooses to continue that is her problem, and H's problem. Not yours.

I know all of this is hard, but this is coming from my experience the last two years.