I can't begin to express my excitement in finding this resource and website. I pulled myself together and grabbed the DR book. I have been reading it and re-reading it in addition to praying and doing whatever it takes to keep myself busy. -I also bought it for a friend who is having marrital problems.
Husband was getting frequent phone calls and texts from an old female friend. One who seems to pop up every couple of years to make my life miserable. Anyhow, I told my husband I wasn't confortable with her calling. He didn't respond. I wrote him a long letter and began to withdraw from him because I was becoming more and more angry about his determination to keep his friendship with her. I suppose he told her, because she wrote him in an e-mail. I asked to see the e-mail he refused and that is where everything spiraled out of control. We went from having a plan to go to couseling to consulting lawyers about divorce. I backed off and said I didn't want a divorce and he would have to pursue it on his own. We are still living together and probably will be doing so for awhile. He sleeps on the couch and we hardly interact at all.
Okay, so when I put the brakes on, I suggested we go back to our original plan to go to marriage counseling. My husband said no. It crushed me because he actually accused me of threatening to make the divorce difficult, which is totally not my plan even though I don't want to divorce. I told him that we should do it at the very least to say we tried everything and at best it would benefit our children if we could get along. He said he had no problem getting along with me... Whatever. . .
Anyhow, jumping ahead to after meeting alone with my MC. I implemented the LRT and less than a week he wanted to do couseling under the guise of communicating for our children. (Yay!) Keeping my cool of course, I said that I would be okay with it. I told him I still wanted to save our marriage though; which caused him to become offish. (oops)
Even though he was having the EA, I feel like I am the one who is being punished for it; which frankly pisses me off! He is always short with me. It's obviouse he is angry and resents me.I can't say or do anything without him finding reason to become angry at me.
After reading the DR book, I realized that my husband has many, many, many misconceptions about marriage and divorce. I want so badly to give him a copy of the DR OR DB book; but know that might just push him away more. So, I have been praying that it might land in his hands another way. Any suggestions?
Okay, so anyone out there have any suggestions on how I might get my husband to read the book DB???
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting are designed to be used by ONE of you. Showing it to your spouse may backfire.
When he is interested in working on the marriage, KEEPING LOVE ALIVE is designed for one or both of you. So is THE MARRIAGE BREAKTHROUGH.
So what you want to do is USE THE SEVEN STEPS to bring more love into your marriage.
You say you implemented the LRT, but I'm not sure that means to YOU. What did you actually do? You have good information about what didn't work for you (telling him you want to save your marriage).
At this point: Don't snoop, don't appear to be trying to hang on to him, and don't make the demands about the other person right now.
Do right down what his complaints/dissatisfactions are, and what you think is so attractive to him about this other relationship--what do you think he is getting that he needs.
Hang in there, there is hope, and we're here to help you.
The first time I used LRT I actually didn't come home at all. I didn't call either. When I came home I acted casually and on a much happier note than I had been before. He asked about my whereabouts. I let him know I was just out with friends. He got angry and asked several more times. I finally told him where I was. That morning he was upset and stayed on the couch with his arms crossed. I was initially crying all the time and trying to get my husband to speak or even just listen to me. Over the next week I changed my attitude and approach by not crying and doing my best to smile, refusing to discuss our marriage, -including our children, because that always led to discussing our marriage, I stopped telling him I loved him, leaving notes about statistics of divorce, and I began taking care of me by going to the gym and going out with friends ect.
It has only been two weeks since I began the technique, but like I said, he was initially unwilling to go to marriage counseling once he asked for the divorce. After using the LRT, it took only a short week for him to change his mind. I still struggle with being happy, but am doing my best. It has been about 1 month since he dropped the bomb.
I think he likes the OW because she has always kept an open door policy for him. He dated her when we were separated and I was pregnant with our first child. When we reconciled, he just stopped talking to her and gave her no closure. He pursued contact when we were in our 4th year of marriage, with my naive consent. As the friendship looked and began to feel like an affair I asked him to end it. After about three months he did. However, she pursued him in April and they started talking again. So, she is just always there. My husband has made it apparent in his actions and words that there is something more he wants and from her. He just won't give her up and she just won't disappear. He says there just friends, but if he won't let her go, isn't it apparent that something else is there. I don't need to convince myself. I've seen other things that show his desire for her. My husband has told me before, he wanted to marry her, but couldn't because I was pregnant. She is attractive, educated, intelligent, and single and has no children.
I think somehow, I've been made out to be a bad guy and her, the good guy. I feel like I am the one who somehow interfered in what could and maybe should have been for them. I hate admitting that, but its how I feel.
P.S. I will NOT show him the DB or DR books. Those are my secrets. Thanks for the advice.
M= 10 years H= 35 W= 39 D= 10 S= 12 Bomb dropped Oct. 27th EA= April OW=35
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
I had an emotional melt down today and said I hated my husband and that he was an idiot. What had happened was that my kids were having normal sibling rivalry as we were putting up the tree. This whole thing has been tough for my son and he has been more difficult to manage as a result.
So, I was trying to discipline him for being mean to his sister and ended up asking my husband for support. He began to try and reason with our son. In doing so, he brought up that in the past putting up the tree has always been an stressful issue and perhaps we needed to step away from the tree. I lost it. My reason is this. He was the one who seemed to always have a problem with it. I and the kids were always happy and excited to put the tree up. My husband was the one who just for whatever reason would not participate and had a negative and critical attitude about it.
Finally, one year he did participate. He took over full control and it had to be his way. He threw away old decorations that I had collected and said he didn't like them. I was hurt. Anyhow, I didn't make a big deal of it as I was happy he was participating.
This year, as things are not going well, he is not participating at all. Fine. I can accept that. However, when he brought up the past and tried to connect it to me and the kids, I said "NO". I told my husband if my son was misbehaving and unhappy about the putting up the tree it was because he had been a bad role model for our son. Although I lost it, I knew I needed to leave and did so quickly.
After I cooled down, I came home and apologized to my kids and my husband. I expained to my son and daughter I was not angry, only disappointed at them for fighting, but that I was most angry at their dad -who was sitting there- for comparing their fight to his own past behavior and attitude about Christmas. The two issues had nothing to do with one another. Anyhow, he said he is moving out in January and is serious about family/marriage counseling. I think we all need it too. - Crap, I am taking several back steps to just make 1 step forward.
So, he wants to go through EAP as therapy is free through his job. Anyone have any suggestions about a good therapist who takes EAP and is a DB in Aurora, Colorado or nearby?
Although I struggle with whether or not I am insane for holding on and praying, I still want my marriage. He left for the evening, because my blow out took him by surprise. He was upset and to my surprise actually did give me a hug goodbye. Perhaps the X-Mas music in the background was a bit too much and he was moved.
Please help me get my loose nuts and bolts together here.
M= 10 years H= 35 W= 39 D= 10 S= 12 Bomb dropped Oct. 27th EA= April OW=35
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
You have to stop melting down. You don't have that luxury, so just don't do it.
You might try calling the DB offices for a referral, since the hub is in Boulder.
This woman gives the appearance of having it all together. What has changed in you from the time you and your H fell in love until now? What changes could you make that would shock your H (in a good way)?
Ok, so maybe not the best way to handle the day. We all have bad days and sometimes take steps in the wrong direction. Acknowledge it, learn from it, and move on. No sense dwelling on what went wrong; just work on doing better.
My H hates holidays. Let's not get into all the whys; you'd be here all night.
Quote:
My reason is this. He was the one who seemed to always have a problem with it. I and the kids were always happy and excited to put the tree up. My husband was the one who just for whatever reason would not participate and had a negative and critical attitude about it.
My H to a "T". And once I began DBing I decided this:
I enjoy holidays BUT my husband won't participate. I want him to so I used to try forcing him to. Then he was unhappy and I was unhappy. So, instead I decided to ignore him and his bad attitude. My kids and I enjoy holidays. If he wants to sulk then that's his problem and his loss.
I went to see family for Easter with my sons and left him home. I didn't discuss Halloween with him and get this, on Halloween he asked me in the morning if we were going to carve pumpkins. He didn't want to be left out! He grumbled all the week before that he wasn't taking the kids around and he wasn't going to hand out candy. So guess who was dressed like a pirate and calling trick-or-treaters scurvy dogs?
Christmas is a big deal to me. I'm not going to ask him to do a single thing. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. The point is, I refuse to allow my joy at the holidays to be determined by his attitude.
Enjoy your kids and your holiday. If he wants to be a grump, try to wear some mental blinders. Remember, your happiness is not up to him. It's up to you!
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
I am a little stuck on how much nice things I should do for my husband without coming off as pursuing. In the past, I was non-responsive to things he wanted or needed. This was an old habit as I had tried to do things earlier in our marriage. I gave up and last year he made some efforts to feed our marriage again. Although I was all for this, I had just started a new job and really didn't have time for myself let alone my husband and kids. I kind of over did it, but after being a stay home mom for several years and working part-time the last three years I was very enthusiastic of starting my dream career.
Anyhow, his love language is quality time and physical touch. Can't do much of either of these two under the circumstances.
I want to show him kindness, but how? I suppose listening and just asking him how he is doing. I don't know. I don't want to do too much.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
My husband also responds to physical touch, as well as compliments and thoughtfulness. It is difficult to do these things when you don't see them often and when you are in the position of wondering if they even want that touch. I'm with you in wodering how much is too much. I don't want to not do anything, but I don't want to go overboard either.
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
