Every WAW is not exactly the same, so you know her best and will have to judge by that. For example, if the WAW resents her H for waiting untill Dday before making his changes....then she will probably resent the fact he waited until after she left him to put up a tree.
You are going to have to walk a very fine line from now till after New Year's Day. Holidays can bring different emotions with different folks.
I know what your next delima is going to be. Whether or not to buy a Christmas gift. Am I right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, I'm really not worried about a present. We had our 10th anniversary 2 days after she filed so I had to go through that. I sent her a text but it didn't acknowledge the day. I got her a gift but gave it to her a few weeks before our anniversary since it didn't look like we were going to make it to the day. I didn't contact her on thanksgiving and my birthday is on the 6th... I don't think she will get me anything and that is fine.
I know exactly what you mean and that is what I want to avoid. I don't want her to resent me for getting the tree and I don't want it to make her feel guilty for the separation. I would like to do it if it will make her smile but it seems really risky. My sister is convinced that it would go over well but I'm not so sure. I definitely don't want to do anything that upsets her so that is why I have thought that doing nothing is better. I can't do the wrong thing if i do nothing lol. My sister says that every time she sees the tree she will smile. But I'm afraid every time she sees it she will feel pain.
She did resent all of the stuff that I was doing to change myself early after Dday but she has acknowledged that I have changed in sincere ways so Idk.
I started off realizing that I had not communicated my love to her and I read the 5 love languages which opened my eyes a lot. She is acts of service in 5LL but I didn't just start doing the laundry or dishes or whatever to fix the problem. I asked myself why it was so hard for me to do those things. What was wrong with me that I hadn't had the initiative to take on those tasks in the first place. I'm not lazy and I do like a clean house so it confused me. I realized that it was my anxiety (it makes no sense) but I had REALLY bad anxiety and OCD so starting something like laundry would freak me out. It makes no sense and saying it sounds insane but this is part of what I have learned about myself. My point is that the whole time I have been trying to understand what was wrong with me and how that resulted in me not being able to love her the way that she deserved. I didn't try to do things just to impress her. From very early on I realized that the problem wasn't that I didn't do the laundry... it was *why* didn't I do the laundry. Once I felt the lexapro working and my anxiety lifting I understood more and more about myself and how it had controlled my life in ways that I could have never understood on my own.
So, 1-1 with Sandi being the lean towards no?
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
A tree in my house? I wouldn't because a tree isn't important to me but I know that it is important to her. I have a feeling that she may have put one up already but I don't know that for sure. I think what I've decided is to just buy the tree and leave it for her in the garage. That way it is a nice gesture but not presumptuous and I don't pick where it goes or anything like that.
It will be a 180 that sticks from now on as long as I am with someone that thinks that having a tree up is important. Understanding what she wants and helping her to be fulfilled will be always be a priority. Not that it wasn't before but I realize now how badly I failed in executing. I have always wanted her to feel fulfilled but my error was thinking that she would enjoy the same things that I enjoy.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
Just went by the house to see if she had a tree up. None there so I think I'm going to set it up. I've gone back and forth a million times and I really don't know if it is good or not but my sister knows her and thinks it will be ok... guess I'll take a shot.
Depressing part was all of the "recovery" literature she has gotten from church. I think she is burying her head in that stuff instead of having to think about the reality of what is happening.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
You said you are a former WAW. Did you reconcile? How did you end up on this board? You found it yourself or your husband referred you to it? I would really like to send my wife Michele's walk away wife video that is on you tube but I'm sure that is a no no for now.
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M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
