Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Well, that is a consideration for most, but in our case we already have a SA filed and there is no hearing or anything with the divorce--at this point other than carrying out the financial stuff with a laywer that he is hiring, the assets are all distributed and anything he gives me is his own doing that can't be used against me because he signed the SA a few months ago.

So I emailed him today to tell him it was nice to have a civil conversation with him, the most "normal" conversation we'd had in 6 months, and to say that if he felt in any way that I had "guilted" him into giving me the money that he should keep it, that I didn't want to manipulate or control him.

He replied that he already sent the check and he didn't know if he did it out of guilt or not, that he didn't "care", because he "just wanted me and the cats to have a good Christmas."

Then he also wrote this:

"It was good to talk to you in a civil manner as well. You have every right to be angry at me and I don't expect you to be completely honest with me (I don't have a right to that anymore) but I'm not sure we can exist in a world where we pretend the other doesn't exist. I would say more about this but I don't want to upset you. Let's just say the the subject of having contact with you has been discussed and is considered acceptable and understandable. I can't promise it will stay that way (humans are jealous creatures, myself included) but, of course, if it's bad for you than by all means do what is best for yourself."

See I've felt all along that he wants to stay best friends with me, and I've said for a long time that this can't work, so I've pushed him away. And this admission from him above makes me think I've been right about that. I find it interesting that he says that he can't promise he can STAY in contact with me because "humans are jealous creatures." I think the one thing that the OW is not prepared for is the level of friendship that he and I have, and if I am in a position at some point where I can be friends with him (I don't think I'm there yet) she is not going to like it. She just won't. There is too much history there, and we were each other's very BEST friend for nearly 23 years. That bond is STILL not broken--we're just ignoring it right now.

So I don't know what to think of all this or how to proceed. I guess I just keep doing what seems natural or right while figuring my main goal is protecting myself.