Infidelity/the LRT (while the affair is going on, or if your partner will not stop seeing the other person and you want to work on saving the marriage)
p. 216
"You also have some investigative work to do. No, I don't mean snooping around to find out what is really going on. Since you can't approach your spouse with any information you discover, you are only hurting yourself by snooping. You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry? Does s/he flatter your spouse a great deal, building his/her ego? Is s/he spontaneous, willing to do things at the spur of the moment, when you like to have things planned months in advance? Is s/he a good listener, always interested in what your spouse has to say?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don't tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently."
Infidelity/the LRT (while the affair is going on, or if your partner will not stop seeing the other person and you want to work on saving the marriage)
p. 216
"You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. Do they have a great sex life whereas yours has been paltry?
You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. You need to make some changes. Don't tell your spouse that you are going to change or that things will be different, just start acting differently."
Yes, find this out, but *do not* engage with unprotected sex with someone having an affair. That could end your life.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
While I agree with this sentiment in theory, I think as a practical matter what the OP is, is NOT the LBS. In other words, not the person that the WAS lives with every day, warts and all, and not someone that the WAS may easily romanticize. Being an exciting, attractive person is much easier if you get to do it part time, in stolen moments laced with a hint of danger.
In other words, not the person that the WAS lives with every day, warts and all, and not someone that the WAS may easily romanticize. Being an exciting, attractive person is much easier if you get to do it part time, in stolen moments laced with a hint of danger.
Not to mention, they aren't burdened with a WAS history version of themselves... yet.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I once grew enamored with Chicken Club Toaster Sandwiches from Sonic. I ate them 2-3 times a week.
After about many months of doing that, I realized they didn't have the same appeal they did when I first started eating them.
We acclimate (and can take for granted) to things that are good very quickly, and once that happens we can start to have a skewed view where the good is discounted while the differences (the negative stuff) assume more prominance because we acclimate to bad stuff very slowly if at all.
Something to consider when you are discussing infidelity is how does the human brain really work?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
You need to figure out what is so darn appealing about this OP. . . You need to find out what need your spouse is fulfilling by spending time with this person so that you can do a better job fulfilling that need yourself. . .
This made sense to me when I first read Divorce Remedy a year ago, now I am not so sure. First, if I had not snooped the affair could have gone on for years without my knowledge. Second, I believe what I am really competing with is a fantasy. I cannot compete with a fantasy not matter what changes I make or how hard I try. All I can do now is wait and see if the fantasy can survive once exposed to the real word.
