My heart is in her hands

[SDFoundGirl]

My H went back to the past too in MC to justify things, and the truth is, I did some pretty yucky stuff...as did he. I couldn't change those things, but I made it my goal to remove every possible *current* reason that he could use as an excuse. He'd never told me how he felt about things (I had severe social anxiety and would avoid gatherings where I didn't know people...he said it was okay, but secretly resented it...plus other stuff he said he was fine with but really wasn't), so once he did, I set out to fix every valid issue he had with me.

He'd said that I could, "never change," so I proved him wrong.

At one point in MC though after he'd brought up yet another thing I'd done wrong in the past, I said, "I sincerely regret choices I made in the past, but there's no way I can change it. What I can and am willing to do is make better choices from this day forward." Once he recommitted and we started dealing with his own past choices, he *really* understood that.

I agree with your instincts, "to lay low and work on [yourself]." GAL was crucial to the restoration of my M, not only because my H saw that I could and would be fine on my own, but because it improved my PMA and ability to cope tremendously. In the midst of the craziness, I found myself having fun and able to detach from my sitch. It allowed me to act with integrity and respect for both me and my H as I DB'd. I stopped REACTING out of fear and made choices that were good for me and my M.

Ultimately, though I preferred to stay with and work on my M with H, I KNEW I'd be okay if that didn't happen. There's a real freedom in that, and it's the reason why, now that we've been reconciled for 4 years, I'm willing to speak up and talk about hard things rather than hold on to them and be passive aggressive like I was pre-bomb. My H also speaks up when he needs something instead of holding on to it and becoming resentful like he did pre-bomb. Of course, he's also clear I will not travel down that path again. I expect him to speak up instead of using an EA as a substitute for communication with me.

I say go and salsa dance. Exercise releases endorphins, and you'll get to go and be "normal" for a few hours. Don't be surprised if you find yourself laughing or having fun. It's okay to do that. More of that, less of sitting and meditating on how yucky your sitch is.

SD