This crises has challenged me to the core, in ways I've never dreamt possible. I realize that I need to redefine my role in our marriage; I need to learn how I can be more supportive of my wife's emotional needs; and I need to be a positive force in my wife's recovery so that we can live a healthy, happy, life together.
I'm not here looking for spiteful, mean spirited, tactics to hurt my wife. If I can't be part of a positive solution to our problems, I would prefer to part company as friends and be done with it.
Sinclair,
IMO setting boundaries after there has been infidelity is a positive solution and absolutely necessary. It is positive because it keeps your self respect intact. It is positive for your wife because it demonstrates to her that you are worth respecting and treating as a person of value. It helps to push her out of the self absorbed mindset that is present during infidelity, and towards being able to consider you and the impact on you as well.
In recovering from infidelity, it is true that meeting the WAS emotional needs will need to be part of the picture. The concern I have is that you seem so focused on your own failings and HER needs, that you could easily allow her to walk all over you and not even realize it is happening!
When we are challenged to the core in a crisis like this, we can feel so desperate to get our spouse back that we don't see some of the reality for what it is. In the long run, that will only harm both you and your W more.
It is important to realize that infidelity has an addictive quality to it. No matter how sincere and remorseful your W may be now, she may continue to be drawn back to OM. Yes she is in pain, but that does not change the fact that you have to have your eyes wide open. You need to be firm, decisive and immovable on your boundaries.
I would hate to see you hurt again, and worse, because you are so focused on her pain and your failings that you go too soft and easy on her. That wouldn't be good for either of you.
