Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

I guess my last thread is super long too, so hopefully this link will work to the old thread, and if it doesn't, please someone give me advice on how to fix it:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2085021#Post2085021

To update my journey, I did not contact my H and he did not contact me at all over the holidays, so this was the first major "hurdle" to get through as far as a time that once had significant meaning for us. It was the first time in awhile that it was tough for me to not contact him but I persevered. I spent time with my family and while I was worried my family would act differently to me and treat me with pity, that didn't happen at all. I had a good time and took part in the cooking which gave me something to do. I came back home yesterday and I finished decorating my house/tree today while watching some movies. I am in the mindset Punkin talks about as far as knowing I have a ton of stuff to do and things I can choose to get involved in and that is exciting. Between my writing and research and my home and my hobbies and family and friends, I am pretty busy if I want to be.

Strangely enough, I am really enjoying my solitude, though, I mean it's not TRUE solitude since I'm here and on facebook every day, but I am liking the hours at home with my cats just doing things I enjoy or even just working on straightening things in the house.

I decided to go through cabinets and thin them out and pull out things for my H to take when he gets his apartment. I know that I don't owe him anything--the SA says it's all mine--but I would like more room, so I'm packing up some non-sentimental things for him to have at a later date. It's that or Goodwill, really. I have come across some sentimental things, like a stocking I made for him one year, and I just put it back away. I think if I give it to him now it seems like I'm trying to pursue and I don't want to do that. I also found something his mom gave me when we got married that was his--and it was meaningful--as it was meant for his wife. So I just put it back away. He isn't remarried. I'm sure he has forgotten. I haven't. So the day I found that, to stop the depression looming, I started to write the intro to my book and it made the depression lift. So clearly that book is going to save me.

We will be divorced in less than a month. Maybe it's the best thing. But whatever it is, it's out of my hands.

Hope everyone is doing well and got through the holidays ok.

[punkin]

Antonia,

Congrats on the thinning. I find that thought the most daunting. H has returned 3 times for 'his things' and only takes 1 or 2 at a time. It will be up to be to finish the task. I, too, know he has sentimental things that he has forgotten all about.

We are progressing. It's a sad prospect, but a positive one. Yes, I too think of my husband on a daily basis, but now, somehow it is different. Almost as if I'm thinking of an old friend from whom I've completely lost touch. Those old memories are far better than the reality at present.

I think your plan is a good one, and a mature one in regard to things he has forgotten but would want if he remembered.

I've been decorating the tree myself, and have noticed it is not the sad chore I was dreading having to do. We will survive, or so Gloria Gaynor says.

Have a good Monday.

[irishblessings]

Antonia,
I know how you are feeling. I think you are doing great...me - not so much on the decorations. Going to take it slow and maybe change some of the traditions around a bit.
Life is changing...
IB

[hope for zen]

I'm in an odd spot this holiday. Since H & I have been together, and especially since D was born, our holiday has been just going allong with MIL's ideas of how things should be done. Generally more stress than fun.

This year I am going for my 'perfect' Christmas. Less gifts, more charity, more time spent with my girl. I'm building a new holiday tradition that I won't want to give up even if H came home.

Irony is that H always wanted things slowed down with less emphasis on gifts too. Who knows, maybe he will end up joining us, though I suspect he has made plans with OW.

Oops, supposed to be thought-stopping about all that sort of stuff...


Oh well, if he doesn't come, it is his loss. D3 & I will still have a great time.

[AntoniaB]

Ugh interaction with H just now--he initiated--through text message. It has been a week since he last contacted me. As far as I'm concerned he just contacted me with a madeup reason--there was no real reason to get in touch. But the contact did upset me.

He asked if this stray cat on my property had her kittens yet and also said he was thinking of moving after the holidays into his own place, and that if I thought that the kitten(s) would be ready, that this would affect where he moves because he would like to adopt it/them. So I said the honest truth, which was this, "No kittens yet. But if you are moving in with her (OW) I don't feel right about raising your "kid" for the two of you till he/she is ready to adopt. It just feels wrong." He said that he doesn't "plan" on moving in with her because she has a lease and roommate. But he has been saying he doesn't "plan" anything ever since the day he left--he's all "spontaneous" and crap, and he relishes this whole "I don't have a plan" mantra. Anyway, then he offers to take one of our jointly owned cats who is 14 who has been depressed and losing weight since he left since she was closer to him. So he says maybe she would be happier then, he could take her. I said "I'm sorry I can't allow this, I cannot have our "kid" (and BTW this particular cat was a Christmas present from him to me 14 years ago when we moved into this house) to go to him and her and that she will undoubtedly interact with this cat. I realize there are those of you with kids who go through this very harshly and you don't have a choice, but I do. And it just bothers me. Maybe in a year or two, I don't know, but right now, NO WAY. I said "if you're living alone then I guess you can adopt one of these kittens if they survive the cold."

Then he says "well can I come over and set up a heat lamp in the shed for the pregnant cat and install a cat door for her to use." I said "I can't afford to buy a cat door." This is the honest truth. I can't. I am broke. I am trying to run all our joint expenses/mortgage/house stuff on less than half the original salary. Only my food and gas bills are lower since he left. The rest of it is all the same, less his 50k plus a year salary.

So then he texts back "Ok, you know I would have paid for everything. But I'm sorry. I won't bother you again unless there is a real reason to." (I didn't reply to this text. I feel like if I do, it'll just start an argument so I'm walking away).

No, I do NOT know that he would have paid for everything. Our jointly owned cats cost me about 200 a month to care for in food, litter, vet, and flea treatment bills. He doesn't give me anything towards this. Our mortgage is a joint debt--and every month, I pay the taxes and escrow/insurance on it. He pays ZERO. A few weeks ago, he offered to pay half of the one injured cat's vet bill which was 55 bucks. Then, he changed his mind and said he would come and clean out/fix my pond pump and clean the gutters "to work off the vet bill." He came over and spent 15 min. on fixing the pump. That was it. That wasn't worth 55 bucks.

So I don't know, the text just frustrated me. I feel like he contacted me just for the sake of contact and all it did was to upset me. You know this is why I do not initiate conversations with him, because it just isn't productive. And he knows that I have 2 heat lamps set up outside in 2 different spots that this pregnant cat can go to if she is smart enough. I guess I just got mad because he was suggesting I blow money on a 3rd setup and I have no guarantee she'll go there--and he never offered to pay of course up front. And why does he want this? So I can make sure that these kittens live in freezing cold weather for him and his future roommate. And even if she doesn't live with him, she will be staying over and stuff. There is no way that isn't happening.

I mean I know that that is speculation on my part--but it's not out of the realm of possibility. And I'm struggling so much financially through all this and he still isn't--because he pays less than half of what I pay to live in a friend's house right now, and he hasn't paid out any legal fees yet for the QDRO or anything.

I just feel like the whole conversation was insensitive on his part. And I bet you he'd say that he was being very nice and thoughtful.

[AntoniaB]

Update: he texted to say he is sending me a check for $600 tomorrow, 100 bucks per cat. I'm not sure what got into him but I'm not refusing the money because I need it, most definitely. Rather THEY need it.

[punkin]

Antonia,

Just remember. Don't count your chickens until they hatch. Believe nothing they do and only half of what they say. Something to that effect. Just don't set yourself up for a let down. Smile when the check clears the bank. LOL

[AntoniaB]

Yeah really, Punkin! So get this, I thank him for the promised 600 bucks and just make some random comments about things being really tight financially so I appreciate it, and he starts asking me questions like "how can you be struggling...I'm doing ok" and I give him some concrete examples, at which point he says "damn, I'll send you 1000.00. I didn't realize it was that tough." So then after more small talk I say look would you rather just talk on the phone this is tough to try to text this stuff all out, so he then says yes I'll call in a bit when I am done folding laundry. So then he called and we talked for like an hour and a half. Mostly I talked I guess--because he just asks about my life and I do NOT ask about his unless I'm sure that the conversation isn't going to be about the OW. By the time I got off the phone I had the oddest feeling--it felt like a "normal" conversation--like one we might have had if I were at my parents for a weekend and just calling to catch up before we went to bed. I was about to say "bligh" which for some goofy reason we always used to say to each other when we got off the phone--just a silly habit--and I caught myself before I did it.

It was the most "normal" an interaction we've had in 6 months. It was totally normal.

But yet, it's not--because in 2 weeks, we'll be divorced. What a crazy evening. The thing is that if he does write the check, and it clears, he will at some point perhaps look back on tonight and say "hmm, if I hadn't sent that text to her to begin with, I might not be $1000 poorer." I mean, I never asked. Not for a penny. I guess it's the guilt working.

[AntoniaB]

I should add, I don't want to mischaracterize my H--he is one who always has done "the right thing", just when he chose to have an affair and pursue it, he didn't do the right thing by me, but I guess in every other pursuit he still tends to do the right thing and maybe it's not guilt over me so much as just trying to do right by his cats that he's offering the money.

[punkin]

Okay Antonia, just call me a cynical biotch, but you mentioned you would be divorced in two weeks. I don't know how that works where you are, but make sure this sudden generosity isn't somthing he can use against you. "Why I just gave her $1000.00 and she blew it" type of thing. Hope I'm entirely wrong here, just suspicious little old me.