She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[hope for zen]

When we were attempting couples counseling, she was so adamant that I acknowledge my errors. I had no problem with this. I f'ed up, but not nearly enough for the M to get the death penalty. When I realized that no amount of acknowledging my faults would change her mind, I slowly started coming around to the fact that nothing I do will fix it.

Recently I was thinking about early on when my H gave me the list of complaints. This was all really pretty easy stuff and like you I didn't feel any of this waranted a divorce. I got strait to work. I aknowledged my part, apologized, and made changes. None of it seemed to help. H just kept getting further away.

What I recently came to realize is that in my case, H was not asking me to change. H was looking for me to agree that the M couldn't be fixed. He wanted me to validate his desire to leave me for OW. I think this was why the better I did the faster he ran. He didn't WANT to see that we could be happy, and he won't want to see it unless he decides on his own that he wants to come home.

[warriorshadow]

What I recently came to realize is that in my case, H was not asking me to change. H was looking for me to agree that the M couldn't be fixed. He wanted me to validate his desire to leave me for OW. I think this was why the better I did the faster he ran. He didn't WANT to see that we could be happy, and he won't want to see it unless he decides on his own that he wants to come home.

Crushed and Zen,

It is interesting that you mention this because it reminds me
of when my W pulled out a yellow legal sheet with her laundry
list at the C.

When I saw that, I thought to myself for a moment, "Warrior, say
Oh, I must of forgot my list at home!!"

But then I realized this is a sick woman here. A woman who is trying to justify her actions. What would I accomplish if I played the same game. I stopped myself fast enough at that moment
and just listened to the spew list. Some of the items had some grains of truth, but others were just complete fabrication. None
of it was justification for a divorce.

I then realized I was being baited for an argument so she could
justify how we can't communicate etc.

Zen, you are so spot on with your quote up there ^^^^.

They will refuse to acknowledge that they can be happy with us
until they look within themselves. If they can't or won't look
within, they will not be happy in their lives regardless.

WS

[crushednstuck]

This is sort of a liberating revelation. I spent a good deal of our counseling sessions defending my actions and biting my tongue. The mirror could have so easily been turned back on her.

Once I stop trying to defend myself, I keep hoping that she'll stop adding to her list. Sooner or later the list should end and she'll take a look within to discover why she's so angry. Problem is she's got a whole life of issues to unload, so it may take a loooong time. I'm not sure I'll be around when she's done with her list, but I'm still giving doing my best to wait her out. She hasn't filed, so she must be unsure of herself. That, or as Hope says, she's waiting for me to validate her feeling that the M is over.

[goodattitudegirl]

Hi Crushed,

I haven't posted to you before although I check your thread when I can. This convo caught my attention. Very interesting insights below. Thanks for sharing!

Recently I was thinking about early on when my H gave me the list of complaints. This was all really pretty easy stuff and like you I didn't feel any of this waranted a divorce. I got strait to work. I aknowledged my part, apologized, and made changes. None of it seemed to help. H just kept getting further away.

What I recently came to realize is that in my case, H was not asking me to change. H was looking for me to agree that the M couldn't be fixed. He wanted me to validate his desire to leave me for OW. I think this was why the better I did the faster he ran. He didn't WANT to see that we could be happy, and he won't want to see it unless he decides on his own that he wants to come home.

I had a similar experience in that H/XH told me he was leaving because I worked too much (I did). When I switched jobs 5 months after H dropped the bomb (working a lot fewer hours now) it didn't make any difference. H kept running away and forced a D decree down my throat within a few months. I took this to mean that my work schedule wasn't the real problem at all. Not saying my stress at work didn't make me less fun to be around, but making that dramatic change didn't have any affect on H/XH's decision.

GAG

[Mila]

Hi Crushed,

Same as GAG the above paragraph caught my attention. Very similar in my case. When I look back I see clearly that H's view of me and our marriage has started to change after the affair started. After I found out about the affair he started his complaint list, and once one complaint was no longer valid he came up with a new one. He never wanted to work on our marriage he just wanted OW and was justifying his decision to leave...you are right no changes would have helped.

[ericmsant2]

Crushed,

I still think of this as a strategy rather than a life change.

Doing something repeatedly albeit by tactic, results in a habit.

Habits become the basis of our behavior

Our behavior becomes……(you answer that one)

It's so ingrained that with the right tools, anything can be fixed. Except here.

I guess it depends on what you are trying to FIX. Are you trying to FIX HER or YOU? Or the M? DBing IMHO, is about fixing YOU. If the result is a saved M, well then amen – if not, then at least you have been saved/improved.

she was so adamant that I acknowledge my errors.

Do YOU KNOW WHY?

I f'ed up, but not nearly enough for the M to get the death penalty.

Hmmm….is one wrong more hurtful than another wrong? You acknowledge that you f’ed up BUT that your M should NOT get the death penalty – that is how YOU view it. She sees it differently. Maybe she was hurt by your actions more than she herself acknowledged? Compassion Crushed. It’s hard to give when your getting chit on…but it is well worth it’s weight in gold.

I get angry when speculating on the impact this separation is having on my kids. They are confused.

OMG – I can relate. Guess what, I fought for a LONG time….a very LONG TIME….No, let me repeat…a VERY LONG TIME, the impact that this would have on my kids. Buddy, sorry to say – they will be impacted. YOU can help change HOW they are impacted or how they view this. It will take time. My advice 1) accept it 2) continue to be a rock for them 3) learn patiences….because ONE day your kids will know and 4) take comfort in knowing that you are doing the best you can.

My thick skull has taken it's share of pummeling and I've got force this stuff to sink in.

Was that an invite for a 2x4 – JK.

and being thankful for the people and things I do have in my life.

Can I hear an amen

Problem is she's got a whole life of issues to unload, so it may take a loooong time.

Ayep….my question to YOU though Crushed is this….what about YOUR LIST OF ISSUE TO FIX. Have you gotten to all of them yet?

but I'm still giving doing my best to wait her out.

That’s all you can ask of yourself bud.

She hasn't filed, so she must be unsure of herself. That, or as Hope says, she's waiting for me to validate her feeling that the M is over.

You validate her feelings by living your life the best way you can, whilst also validating how SHE feels when you interact with her. She is entitled to feel the way that she does and SO ARE YOU. I think sometimes we forget this. We too have feelings, so do not discount your feelings. One other piece of advice. Focusing on IF and WHEN she will or will not file does YOU no good.

God Bless,
Eric