I agree with all of that. I ventured into dating this time last year--two years after the bomb and 11 months after my now-ex had moved out, again, but forever this time...
I realized pretty quickly that I was not ready, so I stopped after 2-3 dates, all with different guys. I took most of 2010 to work on me (counseling, working with a trainer, talking to my pastor, building my life).
Now that I have decided I want to date again, I have also realized that I am not looking for an immediate relationship. A good friend of mine has said a lot that he wants to 'fall in love'. I don't! To me falling is something that happens by accident, you have no control in it... When the time comes that I love someone again I want to 'jump in love', by my choice...
I also cringe when I hear (not on this thread but in other places) people talking about 'needing' someone, or needing that love or affection. I don't need it, but I have decided that I do want to spend time with someone who makes me laugh and whose company I enjoy. And I don't want to rush it, move too fast, and become an instant couple with someone.
Yes Bobbi Jo - that's it! You want to be with someone - but you don't NEED to be. That's when you know you're ready.
My kids were even pushing me to date again. I think I drove them crazy after a while. I really did pine over their dad.
I remember when I was early in the dating scene. My C encouraged me to go on a 2nd or 3rd date with someone I had met - just because it was good experience. Not sure if that was the right way to go or not. I think I knew after the first date if I wanted to see someone again or not.
I remember the stress over wondering if someone would call again or not. I also remember picking up the phone on ocassion and making a date myself. Never hurt me in the long run.
I guess the key is balance. moderation. Same as most everything in life. Keep it all in perspective and see how it goes.
I am just trying to digest all these posts and I was actually busy with her and her Son this weekend. Today is monday so I am playing catch up.
I now have a new issue to deal with regarding my GF but I wont bore you with the details. She seems to crave drama sometimes.
I think I just need to sit her down and ask her again what she expects from me and us in the future.
For the life of me though I do not understand why a modern single Mom can't have a loving relationship with a Man withought resorting to marriage and adapting somebody else's child.
I do not feel like I am using her but I will try to instill in her the fact that there may be a better man out there for her that actually wants to raise her 12 year old boy. Who knows, she may get lucky. And no, I am not trying to be sarcastic but I doubt she will find a man like that at our age.
I dont NEED love, sex and affection but I do crave it. What normal human being doesn't?
I think I do love her but you may be right. I may be confusing that emotion with something else. I will need to do some soul searching. But she tells me ILY at least several times a day. I have to wonder now.
It seems like weh both fell into the roll of husband and wife in a way and this happened quickly and easily. It felt almost natural. We joke about being married without the marriage.
Seems we both are guilty of being needy. As she said, she was so glad to finally find a good guy. And I just ate up the idea of having somebody who cared about me. Codependancy trap I guess.
Now what? Im not sure. If we continue to date then I guess our relationship will eventually end up taking it's natural path. We both used to joke about the fact that we did not know if we would be together a few years down the road. That is telling by itself.
Ironically I have always been pro-marriage and I loved being married. But now the thought of buying a ring scares the daylights out of me. Too old to make a mistake again unless Im 100% sure. And Im not. And yes that is not fair to her. I need some time to think.
Sorry for the long post.
Me:48 W:55 M:22 T:23 Bomb:19Nov09 S:15Jan10 D:11Feb10 EA:Confirmed on 20Apr10 Fast track to her divorcing me
Don't be sorry for the post - you are getting your thinking out there, in black and white. It's easier for you to see that way.
You say that you aren't sure what she wants, but I think she has told you. Not so much a "replacement daddy," but a partner to walk through life with - and her life involves a 12 year-old boy.
If you don't want the same thing (and this is where I think you need to reflect - what do you really want?), then it is not a good match.
You might be feeling weird about it, simply because of how quickly she involved you in her son's life. Really wasn't fair to the boy to get to know you if neither of you are sure if you are a permanent fixture. Could she be playing on your guilt over that, pressuring you for more than you want to give?
don't be sorry for your post... it is good to work things out outloud sometimes (so to speak)
I beg to differ with you about finding a great guy who will take on a fatherly role
I found one and I have two boys ages 13 and 12
My wonderful amazing guy new that we came as a package deal from the get go. I would never be with someone who would not accept my children...their dad is out of the picture and I was very up front with that. My expectation was that if he were to be involved with me, that would be getting involved in parenting them as well...he is a role model...
we went through lots of therapy (still do) to blend our respective families
but
that is what we are a family
I didn't want to be a f*ck buddy...and I wasn't willing to accept anything less than an eventual all-in
obvioulsy it didn't happen on our 1st date...we slowly worked our way into blending our respective families
it has been wonderful
I wonder why you would want to be with someone who clearly wants something different than you do?
It has been 18 months since the bomb and 6 months since my divorce was final. I JUST started dating after I found myself again, and adjusted to being totally on my own again.
I dated a guy for about a month and things were going pretty well. I told him I didn't want a "hook up" and wanted a friendship first. Well, the emails and texts slowly took on a "sexual" tone that I wasn't comfortable with and told him so. He would back away for a bit, but soon resume with the inuendos. this past weekend I asked him to come to a party to meet my friends and he refused. He said he wanted a *nice quiet night in.* Yeah, right. That was because I wouldn't sleep with him. Talk about passive aggressive!!! So, yesterday I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. As Dr. Laura says....I want a guy who will swim through shark-infested waters to bring me a glass of lemonade!!
I feel sad, but empowered. Stand up for yourself and remember YOU dictate how you are treated. I'm going to enjoy the holidays as a single girl and think about dating in early 2011.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
Golfgirl: You know your standards and you were really smart to let him go when you really knew him. You did yourself a favour. If he doesn't want to meet your friends - he would not be around for the long haul.
Good for you for picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and being strong in your own skin. You will be amazed how the right guy will come along when you're not even looking.
I heard an interview with J. Love Hewitt about a year ago. I don't find her a role model for good relationships but she said something I liked: "Most guys will tell you fairly soon in dating whom they really are; we need to listen to them." For example the guys who text too forward, too soon--they are telling us what they want. Guys who really wish they could get together more, but there is always that project at work...they are telling us, too! Sometimes I know it is easy to look at the positives and ignore the negatives and then actually seem suprised when they turn out to be who they really were all along!
