Ok, a lot to answer. First of all, yes we have each had one affair. We were swingers way back at the beginning of our marriage but that is something different.
You're right, CityGirl, however I was clueless that he was keeping someone on the side again.
I did not plan any games for tonight. I planned to be firm and put myself in control of the situation from the start. If this sounds like playing games you are mistaken.
I do not assume my H will figure things out. I was simply wondering if he would have the balls to come clean on his own. No such luck.
bluestar, you were probably right about doing nothing, but that isn't the way it worked out. I of course have copies of the messages and a trusted friend will as well. I have no intention of getting nasty, but let's say I'm not taking anything for granted.
ShockedOne, that is an excellent point and one I considered as well. It was careless to the point of flaunting his A. Not his style.
I ended up coming home and telling him what I intended - that I was very upset and not ready to talk to him. I asked him to stay somewhere else. He refused to do so unless he knew what I was accusing him of. I gave him a chance to come clean but in the end had to tell him I knew exactly what had been going on. He would not leave but agreed to sleep on the couch. You're welcome to dispute the choice but I found it an acceptable compromise.
He claims that it's been over, that he was just trying to let her down easy. BS. He went to see her on his vacation in September. He says it was wrong (no kidding) and that he regrets it. BS. He regrets getting caught. Needless to say I'm not feeling particularly trusting. I don't trust him and I don't believe anything he says right now. I demanded to have full access to his e-mail and FB accounts. I already have all the phone records. I also demanded that if he intended to stay in the house at all tonight that he call her right then and there and tell her NC, no maybes for the future, no more her ever again. He claimed not to have her number. BS. For tonight I allowed him to send an e-mail instead with the same message. How do I know he didn't call her immediately and tell her to disregard the message? I don't. And therefore until I know otherwise he did exactly that.
My Dbing may not be up to scratch. I am going to brush up on that ASAP . But I often found myself at odds with this forum during my previous dark period because I tend to view the DBing steps as guidelines to work from, not rules set in stone that must be obeyed. I always seem to be roasted when I don't do things by the book (no pun intended). Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm not, but I do what works for me.
I welcome your feedback, both positive and negative. But this time around I refuse to get bent out of shape because someone thinks I'm doing it wrong. Personal philosophy: There is no one right way to do anything.
The one thing I agree with one hundred percent of the time is that each of us must do what works.
I'm calm now, not happy, but calm. Today I was hurt. Tomorrow I may still hurt. But I'm moving forward regardless of that.
Time to update my signature. Until next time:
Me 25, H 25, S5, S3, S2; original bomb 11/2009, relapse discovered 11/29/2010
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
. But I often found myself at odds with this forum during my previous dark period because I tend to view the DBing steps as guidelines to work from, not rules set in stone that must be obeyed. I always seem to be roasted when I don't do things by the book (no pun intended). Sometimes I'm right, sometimes I'm not, but I do what works for me. 