Talked to the ICU tonight. They sound so happy just to be able to have Ryan there. Not in crisis! They don't get a treat like that very often. And many of them remember little Ryan...
I've been thinking a lot about what will happen next with Chuck. Tried to think of my responses before I am possibly asked certain things.
Ryan will NOT be up to going out with his dad or anyone else this week. Or possibly next. And I think it will be hard for Chuck to suddenly stop seeing him. I know this was hard on him too and each time I saw him we became more comfortable talking, being in each other's presence. I have learned to trust a bit more.
So - if he asks if he could come here to see him - I would let him. He has never been in my house. I never wanted him here. I wanted it to be "My House". But now I know I would do whatever was best for Ryan and if I let him be part of all that went on at the hospital - it would be kind of cruel to shut him out.
There is also the move to consider. It was tempting to talk to him about it during the crisis but I felt it wasn't the right time. I'm still not going to mention it till after Christmas. Unless the right moment just happens.
At any rate - it is better to be honest and up front with him and to not picture him as such a monster any more. We're not getting younger and maybe this is one of the final steps for me in "letting go". Not hating him anymore. Who would have ever thought that by "letting him back in" was actually "letting go"???
And I've been upfront with Josh about all contact with Chuck. And he doesn't think he's that scary guy I always moaned about. Now he has met him and seen him around both Ryan and Ashley.
Maybe I am reaching a place of more Peace in my life. I just had to go through Hell to get there.
