Ok...I need advice. My wife and I had a break though today. She told me that she wanted to start dating me. When I asked her why, she said that I've been acting differently; I reminded her of the guy she married. So far so good, but I couldn't leave it; I had to start in with the R talk...
I asked her if I had an exclusive. Was she dating others? My bad. Things started feeling less comfortable. She gave me the answer I wanted; she told me that she wasn't dating anyone ells... of course, but what could she say under the circumstances. Right?
So it's Saturday night and she's tired and tells me that she didn't sleep well the night before; She needs to get to bed early... I returned to my house and got an early nights sleep myself... until 1:00 a.m. when the neighbor's party got going and I woke to loud music.
There I am sitting up in bed, wide awake, thinking about my wife and her new found interest in me, her loyalty? Or not? The doubts start flying through my head: what if... was she really tired... is she or isn't she still with OM? And the little Devil on my right shoulder says, "verify" "see if she's home." The Angle on my left shoulder says, "don't be silly" "it's 1:00 a.m., she was tired, of course she's home." It almost came to blows between these two, so I decided to put the matter to rest and drive by her apartment and check for myself. Her car wasn't there.
Now what? If she is still going out with OM and lying about it, should I date her anyway? This would have been so much easier if I hadn't asked her any questions. Why don't I heed my own advice? But now I know she lied and I've made the sitch more complicated for myself.
Yet, if this was a first date (with anyone other than my wife), I certainly would not have asked her if she was dating others. If I hadn't asked, I would not have needed to verify.
I really like the idea of spending quality time with my wife again, but now it feels like I'm in competition with OM. Should I see this as an opportunity? At least now I'm in a position to compete, where as before, I was shutout completely.
On the other hand, is this the "threesome" that CD Bear was suggesting?
This sucks! I went from feeling good about my progress to feeling like $hit.
The good news is that my wife doesn't know that I drove by her apartment. In that sense, nothing has changed. I haven't lost any progress in the DB department. I just need to get my head around what this means to me and how I should proceed.
This thread is to answer Edmond, who asked politely. This is not a thread of advice or debate.
The 'evidence' you seem to be referring to, is her car wasn't there. That does not mean she was with this other guy. There are too many assumptions being made. You only have suspicion and that can be dangerous.
Here's another perspective. When our spouses check out of the marriage, we LBS believe that they still owe us loyalty, commitment, etc. However, if they truly have checked out, particularly if they are dating someone else, then they don't feel the same and we are competing for them again as if we were not married. It sucks, it shouldn't be that way, and only you can decide if you wish to compete for your wife's love which you already thought you had an exclusive on. But, I think that's the reality that most of us face. Of course, that doesn't mean that your spouse should get the benefits of being married to you either, in the meantime.
Ok...I need advice. My wife and I had a break though today. She told me that she wanted to start dating me. When I asked her why, she said that I've been acting differently; I reminded her of the guy she married. So far so good, but I couldn't leave it; I had to start in with the R talk...
I asked her if I had an exclusive. Was she dating others? My bad. Things started feeling less comfortable. She gave me the answer I wanted; she told me that she wasn't dating anyone ells... of course, but what could she say under the circumstances. Right?
So it's Saturday night and she's tired and tells me that she didn't sleep well the night before; She needs to get to bed early... I returned to my house and got an early nights sleep myself... until 1:00 a.m. when the neighbor's party got going and I woke to loud music.
There I am sitting up in bed, wide awake, thinking about my wife and her new found interest in me, her loyalty? Or not? The doubts start flying through my head: what if... was she really tired... is she or isn't she still with OM? And the little Devil on my right shoulder says, "verify" "see if she's home." The Angle on my left shoulder says, "don't be silly" "it's 1:00 a.m., she was tired, of course she's home." It almost came to blows between these two, so I decided to put the matter to rest and drive by her apartment and check for myself. Her car wasn't there.
Now what? If she is still going out with OM and lying about it, should I date her anyway? This would have been so much easier if I hadn't asked her any questions. Why don't I heed my own advice? [b]But now I know she lied and I've made the sitch more complicated for myself.
Are you suggesting that Sinclair is jumping to conclusions and that he should trust his W notwithstanding his doubts?
He should trust his wife notwithstanding anyone else's doubts. A lot of the posters are trying to instill and trigger doubts. He is just asking the question.
My response to this was complete erased off the board earlier. Hopefully this can be a place I can state my side again. How can he trust his wife, who has had an affair (potentially still involved in one too), is continuing to lie, and has not done anything to regain his trust as of yet? I feel only a fool could instill trust back into someone under those circumstances.
Here's another perspective. When our spouses check out of the marriage, we LBS believe that they still owe us loyalty, commitment, etc. However, if they truly have checked out, particularly if they are dating someone else, then they don't feel the same and we are competing for them again as if we were not married. It sucks, it shouldn't be that way, and only you can decide if you wish to compete for your wife's love which you already thought you had an exclusive on. But, I think that's the reality that most of us face. Of course, that doesn't mean that your spouse should get the benefits of being married to you either, in the meantime.
I know this is how it SHOULD be, but it isn't the reality. In reality, the LBS is not often in the position of being able to make the rules. If the LBS tries to enforce how it SHOULD be now, very often they will lose. The first need to get in a better position.
I understand the underlying moral premise here, and I actually agree with it, and would want to think that is what I would do. But, it isn't the way it works. Relationships are messy and take a LOT of flexiblity.
