My husband sat next to me on the bed. He was expaining our daughter's ortho treatment options to me. He then began to tell me he would be moving out in January. I said okay. He laid back on the bed and began to cry. I don't understand. How can he be so upset and still be so determined to end our marriage? We talked and he said he dosn't want to work on it anymore. He just dosen't have it in him. What makes it more difficult is that he is willing and has requested that we do marriage/family counseling.
I just am frusterated because I can't find anyone who has extensive background and a commitment to saving marriages like Michelle Davis, but takes EAP or is even in our insurance network. I am researching and not finding what I am looking for.
Do I suck it up and pay for the cost of counseling with the counselour that I want? I want to save the marriage that is no doubt important to me. If my husband isn't committed to saving the marriage do I just accept that possibility and do what I need to do?
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
That is an incredibly hard question. A DB coach is certainly cheaper than divorce. And a therapist that is not pro-marriage can actually hurt your chances and push you towards divorce.
That said, if you just don't have the money, working the steps in DR or Keeping Love Alive can save you so much, and achieve the desired results. A coach keeps you focused, points you to the right techniques for your goals. If you are very clear and focused, you can do this.
I understand exhaustion and a feeling like you have nothing left to give, or nothing left to try with. But miracles do happen, all the time.
We can help you work the steps here. But stay focused. Don't use a slapshot approach. Work it step by step.
My H has also been really upset since he moved out. Someone told me once that the walk-away spouse gets to the point that they are in so much pain in the R that they feel like it would be safer and easier to leave - that the pain of leaving is not as great as the pain of saying. This is a hard truth, because if you are like me you didn't know that your H was in that much pain.
If he doesn't want to work on your marriage, what is he expecting to get out of counseling? Is it just a way to assuage his guilt?
I recommend using the steps in DR for now to show your H that you are willing to make changes to save your R. If you can't find a counselor that you like, have you looked into any of the marriage weekends? Some of those programs are supposed to be really good and don't cost much. It might be a good tool in addition to DB techniques and a coach.
I agree that the pain of staying is larger than the pain of leaving. I really think that's part of the reason my husband left--he could not handle the pain he had caused and being away from it makes him not have to deal with it head on. It's sad that he is choosing to handle it that way b/c it doesn't bring any sort of solution, only brings more problems and more regret. Nina--I hope you find the help you need to save your marriage. This is a horrible thing to go through, but you have found a good place for support. The mixed signals thing is hard. Part of me thinks (maybe crazily) that my WAH would like to work things out, but b/c of having to actually face the problems and deal with them it's easier to just shut down and stay gone. I think that's where the mixed signals come in. I could be totally wrong, but that's my take on things. But, I'm new at this. And one thing I've learned, the things I thought to be true and right with the world, really weren't.
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
If he doesn't want to work on your marriage, what is he expecting to get out of counseling? Is it just a way to assuage his guilt? .
Well, initially I had suggested marriage counseling. I told him this way we could actually say we tried everything. He turned me down and accused me of trying to make our divorce difficult. I implemented the LRT from the DR book and a week later he was willing to attend counseling.
Originally Posted By: DoneAfter10
I agree that the pain of staying is larger than the pain of leaving. I really think that's part of the reason my husband left--he could not handle the pain he had caused and being away from it makes him not have to deal with it head on. It's sad that he is choosing to handle it that way b/c it doesn't bring any sort of solution, only brings more problems and more regret.
I think his staying is really painful. I myself feel soooooo much better when he is gone away. I feel like I can breath. I hate to admit this, but it is much better than trying to avoid one another. I also think for him it is easier to shut down. He has done this before in our marriage.
This is the second time he's asked for a divorce. The first time I turned it over to God and just took care of me. I found a job that distracted me from my home issues. His request for divorce just disappeared as if he never asked for a divorce in the first place. Unfortunately, we never dealt with any of the issues and just went on doing our thing. It wasn't until his EA that things hit the fan this year, nearly 5 years later.
Anyhow, am applying DB techniques. It isn't easy mastering your feelings. I have a hard time smiling and being perky.
Thanks for the support!
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
No, it isn't easy mastering your feelings when they are around. It is so hard, speaking of myself, to act like all is fine with the world and I'm happy as can be when he is around. On the inside, I feel like I'm falling apart.
I, too, feel better since my husband left b/c before everyday I was left wondering "is this going to be the day he leaves?" I don't have to wonder that anymore. He's gone. I hope he comes back one day, but in the mean time I'm trying to learn how to live just me and my daughter and get in our own routine. I've asked my husband to go to a workshop next weekend, but I'm not sure if he will. He only said, "maybe." I'm going to ask him tonight if he has thought about it anymore. I'm praying so hard that he says yes. I know it could make a big difference--positively--for us.
M-32, WAH 32 D-7 months Bomb of PA 9/25 WAH left 10/24 D Filed by WAH
DoneAfter10, I will be praying that your spouse is receptive to attending the workshop with you and that they also attend with a resistive and open heart. I attended marriage counseling with two different counselors at two different times the first time things were askew in our marriage. My H was not at all cooperative and just overall negative. He felt as though they both were attacking him. We saw each counselor only once as a result. We both left feeling emotionally beaten. Anyhow, even if he says no this time, try and try again using different approaches as suggested in the DB book. Had we at some point tried again, I don't think I would be here now. GOOD LUCK! My prayers are with you and your family.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
"Well, initially I had suggested marriage counseling. I told him this way we could actually say we tried everything. He turned me down and accused me of trying to make our divorce difficult."
So.. how did you do this...
"I implemented the LRT from the DR book and a week later he was willing to attend counseling."
Explain your actions.
"Do I suck it up and pay for the cost of counseling with the counselour that I want?"
If he is truly committed.. yes.
Is he?
This is why I question it...
"I think his staying is really painful. I myself feel soooooo much better when he is gone away. I feel like I can breath. I hate to admit this, but it is much better than trying to avoid one another. I also think for him it is easier to shut down. He has done this before in our marriage."
Are you?
DB'ing.. is about being a leader. Where are you leading yourself too?
"It wasn't until his EA that things hit the fan this year, nearly 5 years later."
Serious question for you.. you ready?
Is a PA a deal breaker for you?
"It isn't easy mastering your feelings. I have a hard time smiling and being perky."
I encourage smiles. Being perky just come along with that.
So.. what is your Job #1?
"Buying the Keeping Love Alive resource. Merry Christmas to my marriage."
Buy it.. read it.. don't use it yet.
"Unfortunately, we never dealt with any of the issues and just went on doing our thing."
Life will do that.
Tell me about the issues.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Okay Mr. Gump, you have just asked for a book and I have really been trying to avoid that.
Q1: Rehtorical question right...
Q2: When I did LRT, I began on a Friday, dressed up and left the house. I didn't come home I didn't call. I told my husband that morning I would be going out with my friends that evening. From then on I was mysterious and vague. I have been making it a point to go out every weekend. I have stopped crying and telling my H that I love him,as well as any other activity that can be viewed as pursuing. It took him less thatn a week to say, okay I think we should do counseling. I am still doing LRT, but am also working on 180 as well. On Thanksgiving I left early from my in-laws to be with friends. -Missed the kids bigtime- I am going to the gym, church, and just taking care of me. -Feeling a bit selfish, because I 'd rather be home with the kids. My husband is a homebody though.- I don't call him and have ended every conversation we have had before he does. I don't get angry anymore when he talks about moving out, which he is doing this week.
Q3:I believe he is committed to going to counseling. I also know he can be very resistive during the process too.
Q4: PA... deal breaker... don't know. I drew the line at the EA. He ended it,(until our divorce is final), but it looks like with his moving out that would be the next thing he might do. Can't say for sure. The OW and my H definately crossed some boundries that I saw as red flags and he recieved an e-mail from her that was "emotional" and he refused to show it to me. Said he was protecting her feelings. It just looks too much like an EA to me. At this point, after reading the DB and DR books and seeing that this is what we could be in for, but that we could still make it, I suppose I'll have to just consider how much I really will accept.
Q5: Job #1: Taking care of me and my kids.
After being passive all these years, being a leader will be tough for me. This is not the first time today I've been told this either. Different context though. Message from God perhaps.
The issues:
My husband does not trust me. He believes I have no trouble hurting him. He says that I don't know how to love him and he doesn't know how to love me. He says we are never on the same page and don't even seem to have the same values. He says he only married me because I got pregnant with our children. He says that he isn't in love with me. He says we are too different. I know he is looking for every single wrong he can to justify leaving.
I on the other hand say that my husband hasn't learned to forgive and move on, he is bitter and does not know how to distinguish from major issues to minor, he lacks understanding, is controlling, is selfish, is critical and immature when it comes to marriage. His perception about marriage is all wrong. I know because I have been cramming the truth about marriage for a few weeks now.
I know that I have been passive over the years, but for me, what's the point of saying or doing anything that remotely expresses what I like, what I think, what I believe and even what I want to do if he disagrees all the time, critizes all the time and the plans I make for us end up with me feeling completely rejected.
In our marriage, I have never felt important to my husband. I have always felt insecure and unsafe. Not that he would hurt me physically, just like I could not completely be me or that I was not enough for him. I felt that if I was me, he would reject me, which goes back to earlier past hurts. I don't plan dates because he always ends up being negative, I am not touchy feely like my husband, but do my best to accomodate his needs, until I am overtouched and absolutely need a break. In making decisions, we sometime have trouble coming up with resolutions, because if its not his way its not good enough. In the end, nothing gets done.
M = 10.5 years H = 35 W = 39 D = 10 S = 12 SD = 19 Bomb Dropped = 10/27 EA = April
