Working on acceptance and forgiveness

[AntoniaB]

Ugh interaction with H just now--he initiated--through text message. It has been a week since he last contacted me. As far as I'm concerned he just contacted me with a madeup reason--there was no real reason to get in touch. But the contact did upset me.

He asked if this stray cat on my property had her kittens yet and also said he was thinking of moving after the holidays into his own place, and that if I thought that the kitten(s) would be ready, that this would affect where he moves because he would like to adopt it/them. So I said the honest truth, which was this, "No kittens yet. But if you are moving in with her (OW) I don't feel right about raising your "kid" for the two of you till he/she is ready to adopt. It just feels wrong." He said that he doesn't "plan" on moving in with her because she has a lease and roommate. But he has been saying he doesn't "plan" anything ever since the day he left--he's all "spontaneous" and crap, and he relishes this whole "I don't have a plan" mantra. Anyway, then he offers to take one of our jointly owned cats who is 14 who has been depressed and losing weight since he left since she was closer to him. So he says maybe she would be happier then, he could take her. I said "I'm sorry I can't allow this, I cannot have our "kid" (and BTW this particular cat was a Christmas present from him to me 14 years ago when we moved into this house) to go to him and her and that she will undoubtedly interact with this cat. I realize there are those of you with kids who go through this very harshly and you don't have a choice, but I do. And it just bothers me. Maybe in a year or two, I don't know, but right now, NO WAY. I said "if you're living alone then I guess you can adopt one of these kittens if they survive the cold."

Then he says "well can I come over and set up a heat lamp in the shed for the pregnant cat and install a cat door for her to use." I said "I can't afford to buy a cat door." This is the honest truth. I can't. I am broke. I am trying to run all our joint expenses/mortgage/house stuff on less than half the original salary. Only my food and gas bills are lower since he left. The rest of it is all the same, less his 50k plus a year salary.

So then he texts back "Ok, you know I would have paid for everything. But I'm sorry. I won't bother you again unless there is a real reason to." (I didn't reply to this text. I feel like if I do, it'll just start an argument so I'm walking away).

No, I do NOT know that he would have paid for everything. Our jointly owned cats cost me about 200 a month to care for in food, litter, vet, and flea treatment bills. He doesn't give me anything towards this. Our mortgage is a joint debt--and every month, I pay the taxes and escrow/insurance on it. He pays ZERO. A few weeks ago, he offered to pay half of the one injured cat's vet bill which was 55 bucks. Then, he changed his mind and said he would come and clean out/fix my pond pump and clean the gutters "to work off the vet bill." He came over and spent 15 min. on fixing the pump. That was it. That wasn't worth 55 bucks.

So I don't know, the text just frustrated me. I feel like he contacted me just for the sake of contact and all it did was to upset me. You know this is why I do not initiate conversations with him, because it just isn't productive. And he knows that I have 2 heat lamps set up outside in 2 different spots that this pregnant cat can go to if she is smart enough. I guess I just got mad because he was suggesting I blow money on a 3rd setup and I have no guarantee she'll go there--and he never offered to pay of course up front. And why does he want this? So I can make sure that these kittens live in freezing cold weather for him and his future roommate. And even if she doesn't live with him, she will be staying over and stuff. There is no way that isn't happening.

I mean I know that that is speculation on my part--but it's not out of the realm of possibility. And I'm struggling so much financially through all this and he still isn't--because he pays less than half of what I pay to live in a friend's house right now, and he hasn't paid out any legal fees yet for the QDRO or anything.

I just feel like the whole conversation was insensitive on his part. And I bet you he'd say that he was being very nice and thoughtful.