WEll, East Coast suitor has gone up in flames......I'm on a real streak these days!
We'd been getting along well, our phone conversations are great (although I admit I was very reticent as he didn't seem to have any plan to see me other than me showing up in his state somehow). But he is a super needy guy when it comes to compliments.
He had finally asked me what I thought of his picture when I first saw it (he fell for my Facebook photo, if you recall, and friended me on FB.). We'd been so comfortable chatting lately, I told him the truth (unfortunately this was an email chat, SO much gets lost when you are typing these things). The truth was, when I first saw his photo, I thought he looked kinda scrawny and intense. Then the first time we talked on the phone, I REALLY liked his voice and thought "Gee, I lIKE this guy".
Well - he took offense. Like REALLY MEGA took offense. Even when I tried to explain, soften, butter up - no go.
The honest truth is - he IS very intense. VERY. And as a skinny 5'8" runner, it shouldn't be a surprise to him that he's kinda scrawny - I'm sure I outweigh him by 20 lbs at least.
So he's cutting off contact with me. (Note - this isn't really about me, he's a hermit-ty guy who has a history of this).
I feel bad about it, because I certainly didn't mean to hurt his feelings - actually I was growing fond of him and would have gladly dated him if he came out here.
Still, this emphasizes a lesson I apparently need to learn better - stay away from hermit-ty guys!!!! I can't fix 'em. And super-sensitive guys? I am just too damn blunt and honest to be a good match for them.
LOL OT! (yeah, I was kinda wondering the same thing--KML you are a catch!)
My mother is in her 70s, and I swear the woman still can get a guy with very little problems. She's not particularly beautiful or accomplished, but she has what men love--she has flirtiness coupled with receptivity (explained in the book) and a HUGE smile always.
She is "open" to what they have to offer. And loves to sit back and let them do their thing--doesn't "jump" to give them anything. Lets them treat her like a lady, which, they love!!
She introduced me to my STBEXH and the boyfriend I had before that. She can totally work a room and is an awesome "wingman".lol.
Another great book is "Why Men Marry Bitches" (Bitch=lots of self confidence). Very, VERY funny and FULL of good, useful info.
Bobbi Jo, you did good with the calling/texting. At some point in stage 2 they will totally NOT call you and you have to be very, very careful not to look like you are pursuing. Then in stage three you still are challenged not to give too much!!
Although I will say, he was super smart and funny. But sadly, all those other things you mentioned too. As well as possibly unstable, and my friend suggests maybe mildly agoraphobic (which I never considered). Sad.
Violin - "hermit-ty" guys - this is a new phenomenon for me. With my limited experience (two) it seems to be middle-aged guys who have had heartbreak in the past and have dealt with it and their depression by gradually letting their social contacts dwindle. They get some of their socialization needs met online, and if sufficiently testosterone-fueled, may occasionally enjoy the company of a woman IF she shows up on their doorstep and doesn't expect them to become a real boyfriend. Usually their closest relationship is with a pet.
So get out there and socialize with your friends, build up your social contacts, don't watch too much tv, and be careful if you'd rather spend more time with your cat than with a girl.
I have to say...I worry less about what I am "Supposed" to do and more about what I want to do.
If they can't handle who I am then they aren't for me
it's ok
but...why waste my time trying to do the right things that the books say to do when it might go against who I really am? I meean, sooner or later they get the real you
so I say if you feel like emailing, email. If you feel like calling, call. If you don't then don't but don't determine your actions based on what a book tells you to do
It's explaining the differences between men and women (Men are from Mars, don't ya know!) and how each view dating/marriage.
A woman who has a lot of self-confidence reacts to men in a certain way. This brings out the BEST in a man.
Since I pursued in stage 3 (and am going through a divorce now) I am ALL EARS why this is the way it is. My H was SOOOO lazy in the R. And in this book, it explains EXACTLY WHY! I "took over" and did everything to get him. He sat back and like a dog with a frisbee--threw higher and higher to see how high I would jump.
I'm exhausted now--I'll follow a few little dating rules and hopefully won't work myself in a frenzy over the next one!
Well I'm with Figg on this one. I read ALL the books. I wanted to get it right and had no idea how to do that with little experience. I did marry my first boyfriend!
One thing I'm thinking here is that several of you haven't even been separated for a year. I honestly think that is early on to be looking for someone new. I'm not trying to judge - I'm just remembering back. It took a couple of years of healing myself before I was even remotely ready to be in a new R. Even when I started dating - one of the things that made me so sensitive to rejection was my own neediness. My own loss of self esteem that had occurred when Ex left me.
It's funny several years later - I would definitely do what felt right - what I wanted to do. Any guy who couldn't handle that would not be right for me.
I see my 22 year old daughter struggle with the same issues many of you are writing about. Whether to call or email. Why didn't he text. I see the tears, feel the pain. Usually it means NOTHING. Most guys don't even give it a second thought. So I honestly think it doesn't hurt to read the books - but go with the gut.
I would think that once you have self esteem would be the time to date...if you are unsure of what you want to do or who you are in a relationship then maybe you aren't ready.
When I 1st started dating (2 years after my divorce was final) I dated someone from the boards and holy flack I got. I got even more flack when I dated someone else at the same time. I wasn't ready to be in a serious committed relationship. I loved being on my own, making my own decisions.
Ultimately, I broke it off with one of the guys because he continually wanted more than I was willing to give...and what a wonderful thing that was to do for my self esteem....trusting myself enough to break it off with a really nice guy who gave me everything I wanted but was NOT the right guy for me.
The other guy was the right guy he let me make my own decisions embraced who I was
I never had to question should I email or shouldn't I, why isn't he calling, what will he think if I do this....
I was just who I was who I am
I spent a long time figuring out who I was since I had lost myself in all my previous relationships
my therapist said...be true to who you are 1stly. If you aren't nothing good will come of it
I didn't need to "figure" out the guy I am with because he just told me what he wanted or needed.
If they can't tell you what they want and need, then they aren't ready to date either
dating isn't a game
if you are good with who you are and confident in the person you have become, you will be willing to learn from someone else and take suggestions or discard them based on who YOU are.
You are looking for someone to compliment who you are (which they need to know WHO you are before they can) not complete you
Love your post Fig. So funny, I really like where I am right now. Just the way I am feeling about things. I was always saying I was ready and now it is kind of when it comes it does because I am ok being me right now.
I made a promise to myself to never lose myself again in a relationship. It doesn't help anybody.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
