I have to admit that most of the letter was plagiarized from posts above.
Not a good idea, humm
Isn't having the conversation (R Talk)?
What if it escalates?
Most likely, she will deny everything. That is what she did when I found the emails. "we are just friends"
If she asks me why I doubt her, what do I tell her? The truth, that I drove by her apartment at odd times of the night to check on her. I really don't see that going well
She wants to be friends or date, and your wanting to go that route correct?
CityGirls advice is solid.
What if it escalates?
Into what?
It turns out that your fears are confirmed? Then she isn't ready.
The goal is prevent divorce, but not at any cost, if she only comes back on her terms? While that could be called unconditional love...you're lacking any for yourself.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I just thought the letter would give my wife time to digest the information. She has an appointment with her IC tomorrow morning. Perhaps they would discuss it.
There isn't reason to "hide" behind a letter. As I said, there isn't much to process as the answer is pretty simple. Either your W wants to safeguard the R the two of you have by freely allowing transparency or she doesn't. I'm not sure what she would discuss in IC. Giving her too much time to decide allows her to create a backup plan with OM or herself. What is there to digest really?
While the word "delicate" may have been an appropriate use in the forum people generally use the same vocabulary when they talk IRL. Your W needs to respect you as a man. Women who have affairs DON'T respect their husband. Women gravitate towards masculine men. Being fearful of an escalation, labeling a talk that really is all about respect as "delicate" and sharing such important boundaries with a letter really isn't the right vibe.
I know this is scary and VERY upsetting and difficult but it's also the best time to eliminate any feminine energy you might be putting out there. You are going to have to lead this and that will begin by you respecting yourself as a man.
Just as an FYI I would say the same thing to a woman but reversed. Woman who put out strong masculine energies also do a disservice to (potential) romantic R's.
Your W has committed a MAJOR transgression. She will need to see you are strong, masculine, commanding of respect and strong enough to take the lead for a while. She in turn will *really* need to show remorse and tremendous effort. If you are not the air of a masculine man she will have to focus on "being there" for you and that will certainly hamper the HUGE mountain she has to climb.
And there should be NO goodbye's to the OW. Like I said - the decision is swift and IMMEDIATELY put in place.
Set your boundaries and go about your business. If she is not ready then you can refocus back to you and you alone. It's really all you can do.
Let me try putting something that hopefully won't get deleted.
As long as your wife is involved in an affair, emotional or physical, nothing you tell her will matter. If she wants to come to you to talk relationship, fine. But you going to her to talk, writing a letter, testing, it is all pursuing. My suggestion, either write a saying that you will not share her and until she stops any and all contact and becomes transparent with you, you are out of the marriage, or go completely dark.
Your probably right. My guess is that she's enjoying herself. The attention from OM, the new friends, the parties, but likes my company too. She wants it all.
When I asked her if she was still dating OM, she said no. She started crying and told me that this has all been so hard and that I can't hurt her again, because if I did she just doesn't think she could go through it again. My wife is a very sensitive person and I haven't always chosen my words as carefully as I should. So she keeps repeating that I have to promise not to hurt her again. I told her that It was never my intention to hurt her; that I'd be more careful; that I'd be more open and sharing with my feelings, that I will never take her for granted...
That was Saturday night. Then after our discussion, she tells me that she's on her way to visit her girlfriend, who's uncle died recently. She doesn't come home that night and she's out all weekend. This was a three day holiday in Panama and I don't think she has slept for days. What do you make of it.
I do not agree with faith or Rocked...but I will leave them up.
And unless I missed something, her not coming home was BEFORE she said she gave him up and decided she wanted to start dating you.
Your AS IF IS a delicate thing. The very thing you ASSUME you can often create. Unless you have a new reason not to trust her (if you mean by driving by you saw his car there), then trust her. If you saw his car there, keep your eyes and ears open.
dbmod, with respect, I believe you HAVE misunderstood the situation. His wife stayed out all night and all weekend AFTER she said she was no longer seeing OM. Sinclair is quite certain that she has lied to him. Again, with respect, I think your criticism of Faith and Rocked's responses stems from this misunderstanding.
I would be very interested in seeing your advice assuming Sinclair's W is lying to him. What do you suggest he does in that situation?
I'm surprised by how many comments to my thread are being deleted. Makes me wonder what's going on here.
Well, just got back from wife's place. We had our talk and it went better than I had expected. We had a good discussion, but she said that she already understood my position. She didn't try to deny anything either (for a change); she claimed to be confused (duh); she said that she was sorry (this was her first apology during this mess). It was fairly obvious that she wasn't having the fun filled weekend with OM that I had envisioned. What ever happened between them wasn't good; she was an emotional train wreck.
She still wants to work on our relationship, but she has questions for her IC tomorrow. Our biggest issue, in her words, was that I wasn't fulfilling her emotional needs. I'm sure that's true; if I hadn't been neglectful of her emotionally, the OM wouldn't have had an opportunity to fill that role.
Another small step, but still in limbo land. I guess?
I sure never expected to have this kind of drama in my life.
Good call CityGirl, the letter idea wouldn't have given me the feedback I needed.
Thanks to everyone ells for your support, even if I'll never know what some of you said.
