There isn't reason to "hide" behind a letter. As I said, there isn't much to process as the answer is pretty simple. Either your W wants to safeguard the R the two of you have by freely allowing transparency or she doesn't. I'm not sure what she would discuss in IC. Giving her too much time to decide allows her to create a backup plan with OM or herself. What is there to digest really?
While the word "delicate" may have been an appropriate use in the forum people generally use the same vocabulary when they talk IRL. Your W needs to respect you as a man. Women who have affairs DON'T respect their husband. Women gravitate towards masculine men. Being fearful of an escalation, labeling a talk that really is all about respect as "delicate" and sharing such important boundaries with a letter really isn't the right vibe.
I know this is scary and VERY upsetting and difficult but it's also the best time to eliminate any feminine energy you might be putting out there. You are going to have to lead this and that will begin by you respecting yourself as a man.
Just as an FYI I would say the same thing to a woman but reversed. Woman who put out strong masculine energies also do a disservice to (potential) romantic R's.
Your W has committed a MAJOR transgression. She will need to see you are strong, masculine, commanding of respect and strong enough to take the lead for a while. She in turn will *really* need to show remorse and tremendous effort. If you are not the air of a masculine man she will have to focus on "being there" for you and that will certainly hamper the HUGE mountain she has to climb.
And there should be NO goodbye's to the OW. Like I said - the decision is swift and IMMEDIATELY put in place.
Set your boundaries and go about your business. If she is not ready then you can refocus back to you and you alone. It's really all you can do.
