Hit by truck 2 months ago

[habitacker]

Hello. My weekend went as good as I could expect. Maybe even a little better if I am not reading things into this. I think this 180 stuff might be working. It has been about 3 weeks since I started doing things right. Before that I changed myself and the way I acted, but I wasn't patient enough. Letters about my changes, giving her waw book, etc. I did not see these things as persuing but I guess they were.
I have done nothing in 3 weeks other than work on myself. I would not be honest if I said it was just for me.
Anyway, I think I see some progress. Things like family eating dinner together has always seemed normal. It is my favorite time because it is like nothing is wrong. Afterwards playing with kids or whatever seems fine. She usually does her own thing at that time, which is ok.
I think I understand what everyone means by time is on my side. The longer this can exist the more time she can have to heal if she is going to.
Anytime I tried to just make everyday conversation it was o.k., but her reply's were always short and blunt. This weekend was better. Her reply's seem to be longer and she even keeps the conversation going a little bit. She doesn't seem to be avoiding it as much. At time, it almost seems like we are good friends again in really small doses.
Last night she said she would like to go into work this morning a hour early to get some things done. She asked if I could take the kids to babysitter.(she usually does this). I said sure. She always says things like this - ( if you can't its ok.) I understand why she says this because I used to always complain about doing things like this. I was selfish and did not help much. I know, really stupid. Believe me, I understand why she wants to leave me, but that is a different subject. My point is at least she is asking me to do something. I see this as her showing a little trust or at least a chance for me to earn a little trust. I know,I know i am grasping to anything.
I really have to watch what I say though. Friday evening she put up the x-mas tree and I went outside and hung some lights. Later, I stood in the front yard and took a look at the house. When I went inside I told her, The decorations look pretty good except the tree is not centered in the window. Oops. I knew right away how she took it. It was criticizing her and what she did. Even though I honestly did not mean it that way. Have to always watch what I say even if no bad intentions were meant. I hope that is the smallest mistake I make.
I hope I can keep this up. I have to have patience which has not been easy for me in the past. I hope little things which I think I see happening keep occuring, because I see them as results and that is something I really need. It helps me keep going.
I often think how she is acting now might just be fake just to make the day easier. I have came to the conclusion though, that if it is fake at least she is doing something. Maybe in time she will see how it is now, or how I am now, isn't fake and it could just be real for her.
What I wish I could do better though is give her more space. I want to be with the kids all the time now. I take them places on weekends and stuff, but as for every evening I am home,and it is cold out now and it is dark by 5:30. It is hard to take kids outside just to get out of the house for a little while. I was almost never home before this happened. That is why it is hard for me to accept that doing what I did before will help anything. I have some major hobby's that only happen from april till september. She dropped the bomb on Sept.17. 2 days before my 40th birthday. Now it is winter and I need to give her space, but I don't have much to do. The last thing I need is another hobby. My summertime hobby is way to time consuming already.